Mary Anns Journal

[Mary Ann]

It's been ages since I've written anything in here, I've been reading bits of other peoples posts but haven't got round to writing myself.
Most of what I've been writing about recently, for my own well-being? Is about situations that happen now bring up echoes from the past.
For example, I started a new part time job, and the lady I work with is a very dear friend. Only I'm slightly scared of her.
And that brings up all sorts of stuff from the past.
The work involves looking after livestock, and as a kid I was used as unpaid labour by my grown up sister who kept goats and sheep.
This sister was a mother figure, but was also quite abusive and so I hero worshipped her and was afraid of her at the same time.
So even as a grown up now, this feeling of wanting to impress someone, while being scared of them while surrounded by livestock...it really takes me back.
The other day, I got flustered over a task, and fearing anger I started to get the shakes....and I know it's an echo from the past, which produced a spike in anxiety..
But it still feels bad, that even after all this time I'm still tripping over triggers all the time!
However. At least nowadays, I can identify the problem. It takes several hours and isn't helpful at the time, but I can write it down to discuss in my next T appointment.
Anyway, hopefully I'll manage to write a bit more in here later.