Scapegoating and self-blame

[Saluki]

I alternate between, "I don't want to think about this gunk ever again," to, "Okay, let's keep working on the gunk to get to a place of peace and joy.

Me too.

Sometimes I actually wonder if I'm torturing myself by focusing on it. Other times I realise that it's in my head 24/7 anyway, so wonder if I can make myself numb to it so it doesn't matter to me any more if I write it down. That doesn't seem to work, then I worry I'm just reinforcing the memories hence making the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts worse.

I so desperately want to get to a place of peace and joy! I hope you achieve this, that all of us here do.

[storyworld]

Saluki, I am so very sorry for your pain. I can sense the inner turmoil you are feeling now. I don't know why you felt such intense anxiety writing the above post. But I know I tend to feel anxiety whenever I even tiptoe toward hard childhood stuff. Up until recently, I didn't journal, or when I tried, stopped as I feared, from past experiences, my anxiety would become too intense and that it would remain intense for a long time. I have been practicing deep breathing and tapping, which has been super helpful for me. I tried journaling again, and when I felt my anxiety climbing, instead of stopping journaling entirely, I paused and deep breathed. With pauses, I have been able to journal for 10 min at a time.

When I first considered that I might have been the family scapegoat, I felt intense anxiety. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it was in part because I had developed a fantasy world I found comforting and that allowed me to avoid dealing with hard stuff.

I am so sorry for the intense fear you have as you think about your doctor's appointment. I can understand why you feel threatened and vulnerable. I didn't think about this just now until considering your situation and how I might reply. But I too struggle with feeling like people in authority will think I'm lying or bad or in some way deceptive. This has especially been true in relation to male spiritual leaders. I wonder if perhaps having grown up being taught we were bad and dishonest if that creates a fear that others will view us that way as well. For me, there were times I was told I was manipulative, but I couldn't figure out how I was being manipulative. Therefore, I developed an enduring confusion regarding when I was and wasn't being manipulative. This is getting somewhat better as I am beginning to acknowledge my trauma, that my memory fragments came from real events, and that things that occurred were as harmful as my physical reactions now suggest. It is also helpful to read people's thoughts and experiences here as I feel less odd or "emotionally out of control."

Please let us know how your doctor's appointment goes (went) as I do feel compassion and concern.

[Saluki]

Thank you Storyworld.
What you say about feeling judged especially by male authority figures is very familiar to me, authority figures in general terrify me. I think the fear of not being believed is huge for me because of the gaslighting, grooming, abuse, being accused of lying.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding. Low on brainpower still. I will try to remember to write more after doctor visit.

[Saluki]

I got to my doctor's appointment and my partner helped me remember what I needed to say. I don't know wht I kept forgetting words for things and at one point the room started strobing? Like there was a strobe light on. Which I didn't mention as it knocked me for 6. What even is that?
So he's prescribed me mirtazipine. I'm hoping that helps me sleep and doesn't make my nightmares worse.
So all in all it went okay. Thank you for asking me to let you know how it went.

It's weird: I can type about stuff easier than write it down with a pen. Probably because my writing gets messier and messier but typing doesn't do that 🤣

[Saluki]

I was just reading your comment NarcKiddo, on "war gaming". I do that all the time and it is absolutely exhausting. It started with planning how to appease my mother too. Oh, the unpredictability is horrible, isn't it?
The last time I had telephone contact with her, she answered the phone and started a tirade of abuse. I told her "this isn't working. I'm going to call you back" and she answered in a different voice, different regional accent, and promised things that never came to fruition. Both were abusive. I don't know if she was just being manipulative or if she switched. Knowing whether she has DID or not would help me understand, but wouldn't change that she abused me throughout my life so maybe I should stop trying to figure it out.

Storyworld, I really struggle with the worry that I'm "just making a big deal out of nothing" re. my mother, as she gaslit, denied, blamed, DARVO.Knowing about DARVO was like switching on a light in my head. It was absolutely real and very frightening. I think part of my denial was desperately wanting it not to be true and wanting to believe my mother had the capacity and inclination to change, admit, apologize. She doesn't.