Our Journey

[Shedea49]

Hi and 

My inner 2 year old feels able to be with me now I have stopped doing a very scary job and have told one my FOO that I need space.

I am glad she is here. She has things to tell me whichever way and whenever she chooses. I love her and I have missed her. My heart aches for her and I do not know how she has managed all these years (48 of them) alone.

Whatever happened (I know in my body what happened) I am here for her now and am with her and I will take care of her.

Today she has shown me much exhaustion and fear. She wants to just rest until she feels like getting up again but adult me has to do some functioning too. We did a bit of both today. I feel how exhausted she is. I want to give her all the time I can. Though I will need to shop tomorrow for food.

I love you little one. I am sorry that you have been alone so long. I know you are a good sweet girl and there are so many things that shouldn't have happened to you. You are amazing and I am going to look after you and keep you safe now. I know you feel terrified but I am here for you - I will hold you, cuddle you and be with you always. I promise.

She is smiling as she likes the fact she is important enough to write about. This is our space and she can be seen here as she wishes.

I hope that we can find fun things to do too. I am thinking some colouring, playing her Disney game... we will keep thinking. We watched some cartoons today.

If she could, she would draw the tallest sunflower with the happiest and brightest of smiles to end this message.

And if she could, she would hide this sunflower for you to find when you are feeling sad or alone so it could brighten your day with Sunflower Love.

Thank you and with love,

Shedea 

[Hope67]

Hi Shedea,
I love the image of the yellow sunflower that your inner 2 year old wants to share - it is beautiful and has brightened up my mind and heart this morning.

Sending you a hug if that's ok 
Hope 

[Shedea49]

Thank you Hope67, that makes us happy. Hugs are most definitely ok with us!
 
Shedea

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you for the sunflower, Little Shedea49. I'm feeling kind of sad today, and I feel brighter after reading about it, so it is doing its job already.

 

[Shedea49]

NarcKiddo - big love and smiles for you...

[dollyvee]

Hi Shedea,

I'm glad you found some time to be with your two year old and are willing to sit with her and give her the things she needs.

Like Hope said, it has made me smile too.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Shedea49]

Thanks dolly. 

I realised yesterday it is mothers day this Sunday and so had a headache all day and felt tense.
No headache today so far thank goodness.

I have told FOO I need space and guess they won't take that as I meant it. They already said they will ring in 2 weeks - I did not have the energy to put them right at the time. It is exhausting.

I don't know what others do for mothers day. Adult me has had enough and does not want to send a card; I feel totally manipulated and I feel much anger around the idea of sending one. Little me is afraid of the consequences.
 
My husband does not really get it but I know will support me. It is hard that he doesn't get it but he does love me and trust me. Sometimes I get scared and I wonder if she will be able to wreck my marriage but after over 20 years, I guess that is unlikely.
 
I am angry with my FOO. No interest in me but they want a card because a card means everything is OK and there is no external show of their dysfunction. Tired of all the games. I have seen all my mother's sides, I know her.

My mother said she was afraid I'd eat her when she came round last autumn. All I have ever done is try to love and care for her. My 2 year old knows she is a monster but is unable to tell me directly quite why ( I know in my body that she is). The victim mentality she has really does my head in and little one and I just get traumatised again. It took a month for the flashbacks to settle after that last visit.

Little one is sad. She wants her mum but not that mum. She is a good girl but FOO will say she is a bad girl if I don't send a card but I am not a bad girl. Mum will always hate me and I don't know why. Maybe cos I seen her bad side? I did not ever really do anything wrong. I am sorry it is this way. I did try for 50 years.

This feels like a ramble of thoughts today but I usually think everything through and have to be careful so it nice not to be a little bit.

I would like to draw a Magical Sparkley Wishing Well today. Feel free to use it too if you'd like. Apart from little one and I are wishing this would all go away, I am wishing for Peace in my Heart ❤ whatever happens going forward in this life.

My little one just feels the need to say sorry. She is sorry for existing and sorry it has all been so hard.

She deserves so much love and kindness. Adult me also struggling but will cuddle her and hold and take care of us both I guess for now, going forward and always. This brings to mind:
'If the universe/your God can hold the world, it can sure hold you'.

If you have read this, thank you.
With much love,



S