My Positive (at last) Journey in Therapy

[woodsgnome]

What's the best thing you've ever heard from your therapist? It can be about anything, technically; but I'm curious to know how it might have affected you personally.


For myself, at the very first session, by way of introducing her approach, my T  explained: "I don't do therapy. That's what you're [me] doing. I'm here to help you accomplish that as best as I can." I was very relieved to hear it put that way, as I'd burned through several T's who had an agenda or a set methodology with no acceptable variations from their 'program'.

Finding my present T was the first time I'd been invited, allowed, and encouraged to just be myself, and not feel like a round peg being pounded into a square hole. Having survived so many years of trauma, it was ironic that, until finding her, I'd also had to survive so many therapists with whom I couldn't relate.

During a later session she noted: "The best thing about you [me] is that you're authentic." As she explained, upon hearing of my background in acting (and other experiences), she'd first wondered if maybe I was schizophrenic. It became apparent, she explained, how the acting had been one of my outlets away from my old story of  shame and victimhood.

Through the acting I was able to get outside my 'orphan' status and feel free to express myself from another angle. And find something there, and she noted that this played a huge part in my 'coming out' process. And how, in my offstage life I became less afraid to just be myself or, as she put it: "you were working your way to being the authentic person I've come to know. Yet still struggling mightily with the mess you felt trapped from your old story." That validating attitude has made a huge difference despite, as she noted, all the leftover sludge from before. Yes, it still can seem to hurt me, but through the therapeutic interchenge I've noticed I have other options.

 With so much grief and hurt held inside for so long, I realized I'd found a friend/T who could allow my whole BEING as valid and worthwhile;  to begin feeling some deep healing, beginning with fully accepting the deepest parts of my being to finally emerge into the light on trails leading away from my past.  Never as easy or sure as that sounds, but at least I felt encouraged by her caring expertise.

She's also keen to recognize my habit of turning against myself. I recall once when I had to admit that something she had said I must have missed, slipping into dissociation. She was quick to respond that dissociation wasn't a fault, it was quite normal for abuse survivors, and I needn't apologize or feel ashame for. This was new for me, to have this recognition of how I was really doing okay, and not to feel  guilty about these sorts of symptoms. The many other therapists were never this compassionate, could even be very judgemental, as if having symptoms was breaking the rules. Huh?

TRIGGER WARNING NEXT 4 PARAGRAPH

*During the early times of our time together, she deftly handled a deep suicidal ideation that was part of my funk. My plans were there, and I felt like I could tumble the whole way without a lot of prompting; everything had bubbled up to the point of no return.

**Without panic, she chalenged me to give life a chance. Then one day, I slipped a mostly burnt candle into my gear and arrived for therapy ready for some clarity to somehow surface. From her, from me, I didn't really know how the resolution might occur. During the session, I kept grasping the candle stub in my pocket.

***I'll spare you the details, but by session's end, I drew the candle out and requested that we light it there, and I felt drawn to pledge to hold off on any plans for a while (this became a long-term commitment a few sessions later).

****As a folklorist of sorts, later on a further metaphorical 'candle' was lit when I realized that the date of that session -- December 13 (former Solstice date) -- was the long-established observation of St. Lucia's Day in Sweden and elsewhere. The legend tells the tale of how on that day Sancta Lucia, a refugee fleeing persecution and death, shared the light with others. That the therapy session which 'saved' me happened on that day (without prior knowledge; just a feeling to bring a candle) struck me as more than a trivial coincidence.

*****END OF TRIGGER WARNING

There's been many other things she's said, and she's also allowed me to say, that has nourished my journey into this new story. I'm wondering if some others on this forum might also have found something their T has shared about or with you that has created a similar sense of well-being during your up and down struggles to make peace with the leftovers of cptsd's impact on your life.

Thanks for wading through this rather lengthy post. And if you're so inclined, perhaps there's something per your therapist experience -- pro or con -- you might deem worthy of sharing.

Thanks for reading.

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome,
I have read what you've written here a few times (three), because there was a lot in it, and I am grateful to you for sharing your experiences - I am happy that your therapist has been so helpful, and that you've been able to work alongside her in the way you've described.  I found the metaphorical 'candle' part very emotive as well. 

Anyway, you wondered whether some others in the forum could perhaps mentions something their T shared that created a similar sense of well-being.  I had a T a few years ago, and she surprised me greatly when she shared her thoughts that she believed that I should leave my FOO and also my job - both of which she clearly felt were toxic.  I was so surprised that she'd share her thoughts in that way, but I am ever grateful that she did.  Because she clearly thought it would be extremely damaging to my mental health and well-being to continue in those systems.  Years later, I do feel it was the right thing for me, even though it was challenging at the time.

So I'm grateful for having some therapy back then, and to meeting that T.  I sometimes wonder whether to return to her - because I know she does some creative things (Art) and I wonder if she'd be able to help me to overcome my lack of creativity - that's for a different thread I think, but I appreciate you sharing your experiences, and encouraging replies, as it's helped me to think and acknowledge these things.

Sending you a hug 

Hope 

[Kizzie]

Hey Woodsgnome - I am so happy for you and wanted to share this little poem that your post made me think of:

Watch carefully
the magic that occurs
when you give a person
enough comfort to just be themselves.
                          - Atticus

It's the poem I've used at the top of my story for the book we're writing about relational trauma. It speaks to how your T approaches you and personally how I wish more T's would approach us. It's relational, compassionate,  comforting and it gives us agency in our own recovery.

[Armee]

It's a beautiful post to read Woodsgnome. It's such a gift to find a therapist like that. More so when so many had already harmed. It's a beautiful rite too you created there around your pledge. I'm happy you and others here have survived everything.

My T has done so much for me. He's had plenty of missteps too. I'm mostly grateful he and I have worked through each one so that we could get the gold too. He's open that he's learned quite a bit about treating trauma from working with me. That alone...knowing that I am part of his learning that he then passes on for other clients' benefits is really helpful for me to keep going and being as open as I can, so he can learn and I can heal.

It also went against his training to say something he said a few years ago....that I had him until one of us died, that he wasn't going anywhere. This from someone trained for rapid results. I know that life happens but the intention behind the statement really made a difference in my trust to dig into the harder things.

He also just with intuition knew to stop me once from sharing what I was about to share and instead to tell me what happened, himself. He went out on a limb to do that but as I was about to speak he saw in his own head what I was about to say about what happened even though I hadn't said that yet. I was full of doubt about the whole thing, questioning myself. When he said let me stop you and then told me what I was trying to work up the nerve to say...that the grandfather had set everything up...it dissipated all my doubt and finally allowed me to admit and believe what happened.

If he had not stopped me and said it himself and put together the pieces in his own minds eye...I would have continued to doubt myself. But my jaw dropped instead because I had not even hinted at what I was about to say.

But mostly, I'm still quite closed off in session still and sometimes I just take in the fact that this person has sat there across from me through so much for 5 years, 4 of which I couldn't even make eye contact with him or even really speak. And he has been there for me all this time. He also brought me closer to my husband and saved my son's life.

[woodsgnome]

For all who've responded so thoughtfully to my post -- a huge Thank You.

Therapy can be tricky in its initial expectations. The results that matter the most are those of ordinary life -- acceptance by another, validation, and support for a fellow human, especially for those of us who've lost almost our entire being at times; those times when we feel close to the edge.

And it's never easy -- my T may be easy-going, but also recognizes how essential it's been for me to find my own way of handling the pain that was/is so prominent in my story. Especially early on, I almost pleaded with my T for an easy, expert answer. With whatever process we worked with, the only true outcomes were those that came from my own soul, my feelings, often based on strengths she saw in me that I didn't.

That's probably more than enough of my rambles  .  I'm just grateful for your responses and hope it may have allowed others some perspective as they navigate the rough seas of our frantic search for a life worth living.