Enmeshment with mother

[PaperDoll]

I'm feeling very alone as I reflect on enmeshment I have with my mum and how I am trying to emotionally separate from her. It is very painful but I think the anger that drives me to go no contact is probably for self-protection. It is made all the more complex because my mum was involved in the traumas that I experienced in such that she didn't protect me at a time I felt I needed her protection and this has left me feeling rejected by her.

I'm now in my 30s and she continues to interfere in my life and pass judgements if I allow her to. Until recently I would run every decision I made however big or small past her. I have now stopped myself from engaging in these reassurance seeking behaviours which I recognise were unhealthy but continue to struggle with the relationship and now I am no contact.

I can't see a way of having a relationship with her that doesn't leave me constantly triggered but I feel a lot of guilt. I pity her as she herself suffered neglect as a child however in my opinion she lacks the awareness to self-reflect or the courage to seek help. Despite whatever good intentions she may have had, she was unable to break the cycle and I am left feeling that at best she is indifferent to me and at worst I feel shamed by her.

Thank you for reading. I'd welcome any insights.

[NarcKiddo]

Years of enmeshment is very hard to untangle and can be confusing and painful. I've been trying to get out for the last 10 years or so. Started the process in my mid 40s, although at the time I did not quite realise what I was trying to do, or why. I just discovered that the grey rock approach seemed to help me.

Your entire post resonates with me. My mother has always claimed to love me, and part of my difficulty I think lies with the fact that she probably does, to the best of her limited ability. But she loves me in the way a child might love a toy (and not even their favourite toy). Sometimes I am wanted and sometimes I am flung to the back of the cupboard. If I do not do what she wants, when she wants, and massage her ego, or if I express views that do not fully align with hers, I am most certainly flung to the back of the cupboard.

I am still in contact because I feel too much guilt to cut her off, plus I fear the repercussions in the whole FOO. I think I do now have the strength to cut her off if she oversteps the mark but I don't want to precipitate anything. I am starting to identify the boundaries I need, and I am enforcing them. This is not going down well and can be very hard and painful. But my mother is now at an age where she may actually need me, and I think she may sense that there is danger if she pushes me too far. She is actively looking to others for regular supply and that suits me fine. If she were to become so infuriated by my boundaries that she cuts me off, that would also be fine. I suppose I just want to be able to feel that any schism is not my fault.

[PaperDoll]

Thank you for your reply, NarcKiddo. It is really commendable that you have found a way to manage contact with your mother. It takes a lot of strength and courage. I don't feel strong enough to cope with having contact with mine right now but maybe one day. It's reassuring to hear that you found the grey rock method helpful.

[Hope67]

Hi Livyacahlo,
I also relate to the stuff around enmeshment with a mother.  I am estranged from mine for a few years now, but I still feel guilty about that, and have mixed feelings about it.  But yet I can't cope with contact - it would be too scary for me.

You said that you don't feel strong enough to cope with having contact with your mum right now, and I just want to say that trusting your gut instinct on something can be helpful - it's protective sometimes to do that. 

Hope 

[PaperDoll]

Hi Hope67,

I'm sorry for what you are going through with your mother.

I've discovered a self-help book titled, "Healing Your Emotional Self" by Beverley Engel which covers enmeshment. I've found it helpful in gaining some understanding about my relationship with my mother and how it has affected me.

Beverley Engel is an expert and survivor and the book contains lots of suggestions to support the healing process.

 

[Healing Finally]

HI PaperDoll and others who have responded, 

I can relate to your post because I have had a very enmeshed relationship with my mother.  My first reaction to reading your post is a reminder that it's her behavior that caused the enmeshment, as I'm sure you know, but I need to remind myself too that I didn't start it!

I was not taught how to have a relationship with someone I love without totally being enmeshed. Fortunately I've finally figured this out and it's been 6 years since I've had a relationship with a partner, because I just don't want to do this again.  I hate the feeling of being so totally dependent on a person emotionally.

So I guess what I'm saying is remember you've been trained, and the habit is totally ingrained.  When you have learned how to successfully fulfill your own emotional needs, this with help with your relationship with your mother.

And another thought as I read your post again, I can relate to feeling my mother's pain knowing she had a tough childhood, but it's not up to me to fix this (like I've tried for so many years with behavior to please her.) No need to feel guilty about needing to protect yourself from her pain.  Going no contact is really tough, and low contact maybe the best solution, as long as you can protect yourself.

Wishing you the best on your healing journey. 

[Hope67]

Hi PaperDoll,
Thank you so much for mentioning that book.  I have read it in the past, and it also helped me.  Maybe I'll get hold of a copy of it again sometime, as I find reading things a second time after some time has passed can be helpful.

   to you.
Hope