Hyper aware or hyper sensitive?

[Phoebes]

Lately, it seems I am very hyper aware or hyper vigilant or hyper sensitive to things people say. I don't want to say they are meaning to be aggressive, or slight's towards me. At least not on purpose necessarily.

For example, a casual conversation with a friend included a question "you do know that you're lucky to have family at the holidays, right? " we weren't talking about family specifically I did reveal that I don't have a relationship with my mother. Her parents have recently died in the last 2 to 3 years. I can see from her perspective why she would ask that, but to me, it feels like you should be grateful for your abusive family members. Family is family, etc..

Being approached by a peripheral acquaintance, and suckered into a pseudo-conversation, where I was berated for making a normal comment. Just caught me off guard, and it struck me at the time but I kind of froze and didn't realize how aggressive it was until they left, and it was all over. This from a person everyone views as a very nice person. There's no way you could say anything negative about this person without being viewed as the bad guy. So I just kept it to myself, of course. But it feels ick.

Then I respond to a coworker with some questions, and they copied me back, including the boss in the CC. There is nothing more of a pet peeve than that at work to me. It feels like they were threatened by my questions and wanted my boss to take over. My boss is a total N and I try to avoid them at all costs.

My landlord and so-called friend constantly is telling me ridiculous things that feel like they are trying to tell me what to do. Like texting me to turn my porch, light off or telling me a few twigs I talked to the side, are going to attract rats, when I am surrounded by reptiles and rat homes that he has created with his hoard.

I tried to be nice to a student and explained something, and they got extremely defensive, and acted like I was accusing them of some thing I wasn't. What the h? Sometimes I feel like I cannot go anywhere or do anything or speak without feeling attacked quite frankly. I try to constantly tell myself not to be so sensitive and they didn't mean it that way. But isn't that what I've always done?

I get very overwhelmed and depressed, and even SI sometimes, and all these things are things I can't really control, things coming out of other people that I should not take personally. It's just constant.

[Chaos rains]

Oh, Phoebes, I so hate it when that happens. I try to remember that everything other people say is 99% about them, not me. Rinse, repeat as necessary.

[NarcKiddo]

 

Chaos rains is right. But I would also suggest that you really try to put it on them, and not on you, when you have time to consider what was said. Because "I try to constantly tell myself not to be so sensitive" kind of feels a tiny bit like you blaming yourself. Might it be possible for you to re-frame it more to "I am glad to be sensitive because it means I try to treat others how I would like to be treated. It is good when I notice behaviour that could be hurtful because it means I can try to avoid doing it. Others can't always do that back to me. It sucks, but it's on them."

[Kizzie]

Phoebes, one thing I learned over at our sister site Out of the FOG and a book I read about how you respond to others when you are triggered (sorry, can't remember the title but will see if I can find it) is to as calmly and respectfully as possible, reply in a way that reinforces your boundaries but doesn't make it so personal they feel the need to fight back. Also, sometimes you need to ask the person what they meant just to make sure you are hearing what you think you are hearing.

So, the casual convo with your friend - "I know you lost you parents and that's really sad, I do understand. I know you don't know my family, but they are abusive, so I do not feel at all lucky to have them at the holidays. It's stressful and horrible and I always just want the holidays to be over truth be told."  Or something along those lines.  It is the truth and when you speak from the heart most people will hear that.  It may even bring you closer together.

As for the hoarder landlord, you could say something like "Okay I will remove the twigs. How about you clean up x, y and z?  I think that's also part of the reason there's a problem with rats and so on."

Even with the oh so lovely person (who can't be all that wonderful if they are berating you), when you see them again you can calmly and respectfully ask why what you said seemed to upset them as you don't feel what you said was particularly negative or whatever and you felt their reply was berating you.

I must confess I still don't manage N's well so I have no suggestions except to disengage as much as possible. Hard to do when you work for an N I know so    - all I have on that one. 

[Phoebes]

Thank you all so much. I think I have been frozen lately overall, which creates even more freeze when these little opportunities to share my feelings comes up. Oddly, I have been really good about realizing that most of what everyone says and does is all about them. I do believe that and have been able to internalize it more this past year. I remind myself of this often.

Even while feeling that, I still start to feel like it's odd that it's like these people and comments attract to me when we're alone. I wonder if that happens to everyone else as well. I tend to think they would never say that to XY or Z person. There is something about me that makes them feel comfortable to say it even when they don't even know me. Like yes, it is all about them, they obviously need to get some sort of frustration out and oh look there looks like an easy target to ambush.

 This is really not an area where I shine. Especially with my landlord. I feel like if I say anything, I will be kicked out and homeless. Same with my boss. I feel very stuck and fearful that if I lose my job or my current home, I will be homeless. Over the years I have tried offering to help, gentle reminders about things that need doing. They never get done and I know they will never get done now. So I start looking for places to live and everything is hundreds of dollars more than what I pay here.

 But it helps to hear you guys reinforcing reminders. Kizzie your role-play conversations sound very reasonable and kind. I don't know why this is so hard for me.

[Kizzie]

I think or rather know they're hard Phoebes and it's because we're trauma survivors and have a lot of difficulty speaking up for ourselves.  To do so would have meant more abuse for most of us so it's no wonder. It isn't easy to enforce one's boundaries tobe sure, it can fill us with fear.  I found over the years if am genuinely calm and respectful it seems to make it easier for me and for the person I have to deal with. Baby steps are good when trying these strategies out though