2024 Resolutions

[Bermuda]

Do you have resolutions?

I have been at quite a low point lately. The thought sounds daunting, but trying to be gentle. Resolutions are not ultimatums after all.

I only have one this year. I want to work on being more spontaneous. I want to put effort into allowing myself to just do things on a whim. I want to take chances. I don't want to look for approval, or ask permission, and certainly not apologise. I just want to try to allow myself, myself. I may shave my head, or tile a wall in green and orange, or maybe take a weekend away. Maybe I will sign myself up for a hobby, or buy something because I like it, not because it is practical or necessary. I desperately need more of that in my life. Today is my birthday, my husband got me a desk. It seems obvious that I should have one, but I never thought to go to one. It seems frivolous, but why? Anyway, that is all. Growth. I need to grow: bigger, wilder.

What kind of growth do you aspire for?

[Phoebes]

Being gentle with yourself is a great plan today, Bermuda. Happy birthday!!

I'm on board with you, un-indoctrinating ourselves of others' expectations. I want more of that this year, too. That and to be able to take action and not think everything to death, literally.

Grow wilder! I love it! 

[Blueberry]

Happy Birthday Bermuda!

I love your New Year's Resolution! Being more spontaneous could potentially play out in so many different forms - small things, big things - you've given some potential examples already.

I don't have any resolutions, I don't do that anymore because I've noticed I don't follow up. Whenever I have an idea, whenever it is in the year, I try and follow through right away. 

[NarcKiddo]

Belated birthday wishes, Bermuda. I hope you had a lovely day.

I love the thought of you growing bigger and wilder. Not because I think you are anything other than lovely just as you are now, but because bigger and wilder is just such a wonderful concept. It has made me think of the book "Where the Wild Things Are" by Maurice Sendak. I loved that book as a child - well, I loved the Wild Things, actually.

[Armee]

Happy Birthday, Bermuda! A desk of your own is a lovely gift. I love the idea of being more spontaneous. Also of tiling a wall in bold colors. How fun! I'm sorry it's been tough lately. 

I generally don't do New Years Resolutions for similar reasons as Blueberry. I don't really have the will power to force myself to do things especially not for something as inconsequential as a self-imposed resolution.

I've wished to lose weight for many years now. I used to be quite thin and ran marathons. Now it doesn't seem to matter if I eat well and exercise more, I still gain and gain and gain. I have trouble sticking to exercise because so often my body feels bad. So I might get in a routine for a week but then I get derailed because my body starts to hurt in ways that are not related to the exercise. And then I forget to notice when I am feeling well enough to resume exercising. So I set a loose resolution that I will simply notice each day if I am feeling well. If I am feeling well I will try to exercise but the resolution is only for noticing. For asking myself: how are you feeling today?

Overall my attitude about reflecting on last year and the coming year is a bit of pride which is new. I am happy with myself more or less for the first time in my life. I am proud of what I've overcome. I have healed enough to feel pretty present most of the time. The constant barrage of negative thoughts about myself has slowed into a trickle. It's a bit strange because I have done so very little the past 2 years to be proud of. In past years I have worked and gotten awards and took care of an ailing parent and remote schooled kids during the pandemic and got a masters degree. But the past 2 years I just hunkered down and did almost nothing aside from keeping the kids fed and the house minimally clean.

And I am finally starting to grasp that the way my brain organized itself into little pockets of separation truly saved me. And even that if my childhood had not been such that I developed this strong dissociation, I wouldn't have survived what happened to me later. I wouldn't have gone on to build a life that I love and that has kind of saved me too.

So mostly I'm not in much of a mood to think about what I need to do to better myself right now. My husband is big on people thinking about how they can improve themselves. He never directs it at me but it gets me riled up. I got pretty irritable this weekend about something related to this. Mostly because my pride is very tenuous and can still come crashing down in the blink of an eye or an errant comment. But that delicate pride feels like something that needs protecting. It's so new. But if I tried to tell him I feel proud (he'd agree with me) I would still feel intense shame at being proud when I have done so little lately.

I really wandered here in my response but it's all related to reflecting on the old and new years.