Rejection after applying for job

[Shedea49]

Hi
I have recently had two rejections from 2 different jobs both of which I thought I could be happy in. One about a month ago and the other yesterday. It feels like they are saying no, you don't deserve to be happy - you are not wanted and not good enough.

 I turned our phone off about a week ago as my mother knew I was having a tough time and then wanted to make it all about her. In the conversation I just cut her off as I did not want her to get any reaction from me but I also didn't want to pretend she wasn't hurtful. I just cannot deal with her at the moment. I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused as a child and the emotional abuse is ongoing. I have not verbalised any of this to them and I suppose I am colluding by not speaking up but they don't really listen much to anything I have to say in conversation anyway.
 
  I have been in a tough place with an emotional flashback this evening where I felt terrified and now am feeling generally unsafe.

Thank you for reading. I am feeling very alone and find it difficult to actually talk/ make sound when having emotional flashbacks.

S

[PaperDoll]

Hello Shedea49,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to your post.

It takes courage to put yourself out there and apply for jobs. I'm currently unemployed but want to get back into work when my toddler starts nursery.

I am scared at the prospect of rejection but what helps me somewhat is hoping that the right job will come along.

I am no contact with my mum at this time as she triggers EFs for me and hasn't been supportive following my CPTSD diagnosis.

I hope you can find some support elsewhere and that you will have success in finding a job that brings you happiness.

[Armee]

 

I'm glad you posted here. I can also have difficulty speaking when triggered. Writing can be easier. I don't have any advice, just empathy for all you've been through and a gentle reminder that these uncomfortable and highly distressing emotional flashbacks do come to an end, I hope yours ends soon so you can have a little relief.

[NarcKiddo]

I am sorry you are struggling and I hope you can get past the current lot of EFs soon.

As for the jobs, I totally understand how you might be feeling as you are, emotionally. The job rejections, however, are very unlikely to be personally aimed. The employers are certainly not saying you do not deserve to be happy, or even that you are not good enough. For whatever reason they do not think you would fit into their organisation. They might even be right, and maybe you have been saved getting stuck in a job that turns out unsuitable and difficult. Even if you think you could be happy in a particular place, you can't know for sure until you are there. That said, rejections of any kind are hard to take, and disappointing. I am sorry this has happened to you.

The main thing I want to address in my reply, though, is your statement that maybe you are colluding by not having spoken up to your parents about their abuse. I don't think you are at all. That is trauma speaking. I have never spoken up to any of my FOO about their abuse. I sometimes feel maybe I am being weak by not doing so, but actually I think I am just being smart. I know from long and bitter experience that voicing my true feelings and vulnerabilities around them never ends well. Never. You have said yours don't want to listen to you anyway. So I can totally see why there might be no point whatsoever in challenging them.

 

[Shedea49]

Hi, thank you for your replies.
Paper doll - thank you. It is hard but am feeling better about it today. They did say they will contact me in the next few months if a suitable post comes up, so I guess that is positive. Been thinking of turning the phone back on but started feeling anxious at the thought so have left it for now. Thanks again x

Armee -thanks for your post and understanding. Fortunately the flashback hasn't been ongoing and has settled. I think keeping the phone off has helped with this too so leaving it off for now. Though I feel a bit like a coward doing this.

NarcKiddo - thank you. It never goes well discussing anything to do with how I feel. So yes there is little point but sometimes I wonder whether if I say I was abused as I have above in my original post then I am speaking up for little me. As long as I don't try to explain or justify etc.they won't accept this but I will have said my truth. Terrified of doing this though.

I remember when I was trying to talk about my feelings some years ago with my dad: he said (hyperventilating and very distressed) something like 'It is not as if you've been abused or anything'. The way he said it was like it couldn't possibly be true. Maybe he was distressed he may be found out. My mum has said this too over the years. I remember I instantly shut off inside and went numb.
It would be easier in lots of ways to just continue to keep the phone permanently off.
Just thoughts not sure what is best all round.
Wishing you all peace and love
  S x

[Armee]

Speak up when you are ready too, for sure, if the time ever comes that you are. But another way to stand up for your little parts is to let them know that even a big strong adult (adult you) can't get through to your parents because they are such bad people and there wasn't anything a little child could have done differently. It was never her fault. Only theirs. Now you are an adult and can protect your little parts from them and can even completely escape them if you need to and never see or talk to them again if that's what is needed.

But I can see how strong the need to confront them would be, especially with CSA and the silence around it and the way people just get away with it. But I'd make sure I was in a really strong place before trying, because I can imagine that would be extremely taxing to do.

Keep on healing. 

 

[Shedea49]

Hi don't know what to do.
My dad has rung my husband's mobile not mine (and on valentines day). I don't know what to do. Applying the flying monkey pressure. I feel so angry. Maybe I just need to tell them not to ring. Maybe I need to tell them I find them abusive and suffer from complex PTSD. But I know they will twist everything. My heart breaks again. Not doing anything now about it. I am going to go and buy some paella rice to cook my husband his favourite meal. My mum really is a piece of work.
Sorry to rant.
Very interesting they do this on valentines day. And phone my husband and not me.
Love to you all S x

[Blueberry]

Based on my own experience, I wouldn't say I have complex PTSD. Probably not even that I find them abusive. I really understand the desire to do both and I have done the first. The problem if your FOO is like mine is that they are either incapable of understanding or they simply don't want to and will gaslight and/or turn this sort of information against you. Which you know because you write that they twist everything.

I know how much this hurts, I've been through this hurt again and again with FOO. In the hope that it helps I'm sending   

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

I agree with Blueberry. I've been tempted to have it out with my parents and tell them how awful they are. Then I've felt bad about that but thought maybe they deserve a reason for my change in behaviour and grey rock approach, so maybe I should tell them about the damage they have caused. But I won't. They would, as you say, twist everything. I would be the bad guy at once. They would fly into righteous indignation. They would use everything they could against me and I would have handed them a whole lot more weaponry by confiding in them.

Your parents are different and your situation is different - but I would urge you to think very, very carefully before telling them anything.

 

[Shedea49]

Hi Blueberry and NarcKiddo.
Thank you for your replies.
I have settled a bit. I agree, my instinct when settled is to not tell them anything. They will expect a phone call and they want me to have an emotional reaction. I am not going to give them either. I am so tired of all the drama and gameplaying. It is so hard to deal with. I just want to love and be loved. They can't do that -how very sad this is.
 I am angry as they tried coming at me through my husband. My little girl inside is upset. However I have said to her we don't have to contact them and I bought her/me a cup with a shining sun and rainbow on it; it says 'Shine All Day' on the rainbow. She has me to love her/be with her now. I am going to give her cuddles and lots of love today and forget about them. The cup is to remind her she is loved and to keep shining.
I have agreed with my husband that he doesn't answer his phone or passes the phone to me. I will just put it down then probably.
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your replies so very much.
  love S x

[Blueberry]

  

[Shedea49]

Thanks Blueberry x