Podcast about the Untouchable Mother - Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

[dollyvee]

Wow did this podcast sum up some of the things I have been going over lately. I identified with her story of bringing something up that was very wrong in the family and then having it be shut down because they couldn't deal with it. It was helpful to see, even as a teenager, that she did the same thing, which was bury it and fall into line. Then, even as she was continually "doing the work," going to therapy etc, the trauma remained untouched and lived on in her until she began to open up and feel the feelings.

I'd also never heard the phrase The Untouchable Mother, and it's so apt. My mother truly was untouchable as I would call her, trying to get through and ask about something for example, and would always get voicemail. She never, or rarely, picked up to talk to me.

Other things I found that stood out were:

- "As kids we had to hold onto the desk and be like where are we?" and that lying about the reality of what was happening was more damaging than seeing your mother passed out for example. In your body you knew it wasn't safe, but everyone was telling you that it was fine.

- Seeing the parent be one way with you, but then hear they said something else, which was negative, to another person/family member (because they couldn't address the reality of what was happening.

- Weren't entitled to a process because they needed it more. That we were the more healthy ones and we were supposed to help them.

- Feeling like it's unsafe to be held because we were the ones who had to be there for everyone else. So, not being able to process those feelings that are there.

- When she describes that "she's going to be me at any cost" and the feeling was that she was going to alienate  everyone and just be horrible, but she was actually recognized for herself, and seen for who she was in a way that her family couldn't.

The Untouchable Mother - Believing Me, Healing From Narcissistic Abuse with @IngridClaytonPhD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzzUrAdMkJk

as a ps or afterthought, there's also a part of me that doesn't excuse their behaviour, but also can't help wondering about the effects and who bears that of being a woman in society. Are these the places where that larger systemic abuse shows up? I remember my gm telling me that she cried when I was a girl. Maybe this is a way of thinking that lives on generationally in my family.

[NarcKiddo]

Wow. I have just watched that.

Thank you so much for bringing it to my attention.

I am glad that in several places it touched on the fact that one can see the truth of a situation with the logical part of the brain but simply cannot fathom it emotionally. And until the emotional part of the brain "gets it" the trauma just trundles on unprocessed. That is very much my experience. I've had so many conversations now with my T where I say "You or I can say xyz until we are blue in the face, but only the logical part of my brain accepts it. So we have by no means finished with this aspect because I simply cannot process a situation or explain it to myself or take your advice or whatever, because as far as the whole emotional side of my brain is concerned the situation is different."

[dollyvee]

Yes, you can have a phd in trauma, but still live with unprocessed trauma, wondering what's going on.

I'm glad you related as I was hoping others would get something from it. I'm only beginning to grasp the emotional component because for so long, I was the one who had to "hold it together" as she said, and because I was the healthier one, I didn't have a process. I have also explained it to t that when I was talking about the conflict, it's like it's happening in a different part of my brain. I also logically know I was left home alone, but didn't "feel" it and what it was like. I think the lying and the pretending everything is fine in the family is a big part of that as she mentions, where you begin to doubt your feelings and experiences, and/or have to hide them for safety. I really relate to that idea that you're doing the work and this stuff still keeps happening.

I also think it's pretty incredible that the intervention she talked about happened in high school with the social worker, and it wasn't as an infant. To me that you can be that cognitively developed and go in on yourself (if that's the right phrase? Diminish yourself, doubt yourself) is eye-opening. What chance to us who had this happen from infants have? Though I'm sure she had other gaslighting experiences happen from younger and this was the final straw so to speak.