Job choices

[PaperDoll]

I had to take time off work to focus on getting treatment but I hope to go back to work again when my son starts school. I previously worked as an early years teacher and I found I was really well suited to this type of caring role but the job is also emotionally draining and I am especially prone to burnout. I am exploring some other career options, for example, I enjoyed writing as a little girl. I would like to hear about how others with CPTSD have found working or if anyone has found fulfilment in a job and what type of jobs they are doing. In my experience, symptoms of CPTSD can make it really challenging to maintain employment. I am feeling quite lost at this point in my life.

[NarcKiddo]

The job that made me happiest was working on reception in a medical clinic just after I left school. It was a nice team, I felt I was helping people by being part of a team involved in medical stuff, and I did not have to take worries home at the end of the day. I can see how being an early years teacher would be very rewarding but also emotionally draining because of caring about the little ones so much. My career is as a lawyer and although there are aspects of it I enjoy (helping people) it is not really a good fit for me. I can do it well enough, but it was chosen because my parents approved.

I think writing can be a challenging thing to follow as a career choice, and possibly very stressful, especially if tight deadlines are involved. Depends on exactly what aspect of writing you follow, I guess. But I find that most kinds of writing involve you giving very much of yourself and if people criticise or reject your work it can be hard to take. I say that as a wannabe novelist who has had plenty of rejection. I would not want to discourage you from exploring something you enjoyed as a child, but I would counsel you to be careful not to spoil the enjoyment of something you can enjoy without it being a career choice. Maybe you could allocate some time to writing before your son starts school and see how you feel about it?

[Kizzie]

I found most jobs trying because of my CPTSD.  It wasn't that I didn't enjoy them per se but that I never knew when my symptoms would flare up and getting through the day would be a rollercoaster ride. Inevitably too I would come up against a narcissist (they have radar for me and I for them), and that would be the end of any peace.  I eventually got my doctorate and taught online which I did enjoy because there wasn't the whole faculty water cooler or competition, nor 8 hour days.  I was part-time and only had the occasion meetings to attend via Zoom.  It all went south when the Dean left.  She was a lovely woman I felt very safe with but her job was taken by a very career oriented, perfectionistic person I just was so triggered by from the get go so I retired.

I'm sorry this isn't a positive story but I suspect there are few of us who manage our employment well because we have CPTSD.  I did do better working on my own if that's something you can find - work where you're mostly on your own and not under the thumb or bumping up against triggering issues or people all the time.   

[Armee]

I had a pretty ideal career as a government scientist. I started off pretty dedicated and made good impressions, so by the time everything came crashing down I was pretty valued and cared for. I was able to reduce my hours for a while...from 40 per week to 20 and then I slowly went back up to 30 over the years. Even before the pandemic i was able to work from home 3 days a week. About 18 years into my career I couldn't really hang on anymore. I was getting more praise and recognition which are pretty big triggers in a work environment due to a specific trauma and I had to leave pretty suddenly due to overwhelm snd exhaustion and ptsd symtpoms.

I've been gone for about 2 years. My former boss has been in touch recently about me coming back to help out and they are pretty wiling to set things up the way I need to be able to return.

Sadly what that looks like is pretty restricted and even contemplating anything beyond this has triggered me into a point of dysfunction. What I feel able to do is in a very supportive understanding environment, work 16 hrs a week on tasks that are fully behind the scenes, no travel, no public speaking, and fully from home. This is the only scenario in which I can contemplate saying yes and returning to work without becoming nonfunctional. I felt super super ashamed about this but now I'm starting to recognize it for what it really is: sad. It's sad. And the shame belongs to society for not supporting victims better and for making us feel ashamed. So yeah there's a bit of anger too. I hope this helps you in some way to read.

[Kizzie]

Armee, just wanted to say how sorry I am you struggled so much.  It's is super sad and it makes me angry too. 

Livyacahlo, I'm certain many of us want to give you some positives about work but CPTSD often lays waste to functioning in the same way non-survivors do. Like Armee I was quite ashamed I couldn't manage teaching in person but now I know I was blaming and shaming myself for something I did not cause and that is super difficult to overcome.  So, if you can, try not to do the same thing, it only adds a layer of trauma to what's already there and it's not fair to yourself. 

[Bermuda]

I have had so much struggle holding a job, not that I have ever lost one per se... I leave. I also was a preschool teacher, and a nanny as well. I love children, but I also had a full shut down. It's taxing on your physical body in a way that you can't pause, the constant illnesses too, it's competitive and social, and the hours and over time. Dealing with parents who make questionable choices... I really tried. I also have worked as a writer, and it's nice but requires a degree of "putting yourself out there" or "believing in yourself" that I find difficult.

I have worked so many jobs, everything. I don't think I will join the job market again. A negative stastic. When I think of the things that seemed to suit me the best I think of odd jobs. At one point I was working with a contractor in Alaska who had me remodelling bathrooms with him. He taught me how to tile and grout, adhere fixtures, and plane boards. Sometimes I would just be outside repeatedly putting wood through a planer, and other times I would be aligning tile, or using a blade to remove excess caulk. I'm not saying this is my ideal job, but something about changing tasks, but doing repetitive things, things that involved a change in environment, not being involved with arranging jobs, but just doing things with little supervision at a normal pace... I liked that. Around the same time I was also working teaching Moldovan fisherman English in exchange for my stay. It wasn't a lot. I lived in a tent, but I was so happy (relatively speaking). It's nothing to write home about, but it worked for me.

Sometimes I get really sad and feel that I am a heap of lost potential. I feel guilty that my doctor assumed that I was writing for my postdoctoratal research. I didn't outright correct her. I can't present a paper to a panel but I can try to change how I view success.

[PaperDoll]

NarcKiddo, thank you for your suggestion to spend some time exploring writing before trying to make a career out of it. I have been taking part in a creative writing course and am looking into joining a creative writing club at some point.

Kizzie, it's so hard not to shame and blame ourselves. Thank you for your encouragement, I will try     

Armee, thank you for sharing your experiences. I too had to leave my job suddenly due to being overwhelmed by ptsd symptoms. It was a very painful experience and triggered lots of shame, sadness and some anger too.

Bermuda, I like what you wrote: "I can try to change how I view success". Your description of teaching English to Moldovan fisherman conjures up peaceful imagery.
     

[dollyvee]

Hi livaycahlo,

Like others have commented here work is a source of contention for me too. I struggled and achieved success (?) in a competitive arts field, doing something my 18 year old self dreamed of. However, it's basically field filled with narcissistic, competitive, self-absorbed cliques and bullies, which basically mirrors my family dynamic growing up. So, I guess on the positive side it's been helping me work through things (with a very good therapist - I don't think I would/could have continued without that), but I also wonder about repetition compulsion.

It reminds me of something that's been in the back of my mind since I watched the David Beckham documentary. When we set our intentions on something, we can achieve great things. However, like in the documentary, it doesn't always seem to come with happiness. My own thoughts here, but becoming a legendary footballer didn't necessarily make up for a happy childhood relationship with his father. Sometimes we get the things we want but it doesn't always equal the happiness we thought it would. I've been dialling back my own ideas about what motivates me at work, how I respond at work, what actually brings me happiness (and not just security as I was taught), which is slowly changing my relationship to the unhealthy dynamics. When I choose jobs that I feel are good for me, set boundaries etc., I feel more balanced and it's not so overwhelming.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Saluki]

I just can't.

I don't know how I got through university and an MA. It's almost like someone else was doing it for me and the other me cringing inside: autopilot?
I could never hold down a job either. I worked in banks (admin) for a while. I could never cope with so much petty office politics, never mind my CPTSD. I left a job I kind of enjoyed (it involved helping people) but it was very triggering at times and I ended up having a breakdown.
I went self employed, thought I could do it. Messed up, went through a lot of self blame for my "laziness and inability" which were actually pretty bad depression and insomnia and just horrible flashbacks.

I write fiction because I enjoy it. I get completely lost in the world of whatever I'm writing and I think that's actually quite healing. Because I feel as though I'm part of the story.

I'm incumbered with some sort of delusion that some day I will make a living from my writing. I hope it's not a delusion. Because it would be a shame if no one else ever got to meet my characters!

You can self publish on Kindle these days, but be warned, I have only sold one copy in a year because I do zero self promotion (which is also part of CPTSD and partly because I have to hide from an abuser.)

Wishing you the best of luck. I feel angry at myself that I "let the abusers win" by never being able to fulfil my career aspirations. I hope you can.

[supaduece]

I completely understand. Ill be honest i use my job as a means to clear my head. Honestly i hate my job and everyone ive had before it. I know now its not the job its me. I build transmissions for a living and there are so few people left in my field that it has made me very successful (financially in work) but i get absolutely no enjoyment out of it. Im just waiting out to pay off my house and build a small shop on my property so i can quit. Honestly to get by i put headphones in and listen to my audible account which i now have like 250 titles on. the combination of constant noise in my ears and keeping my hands busy rebuilding helps me forget or just block out the negative thoughts. I would love to find something out there for me i can enjoy waking up and going to. maybe one day