Shame and intelligence

[Blueberry]

From this conference topic on shame https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13719.msg104605#msg104605 I learnt that toxic shame/being shamed makes you go into freeze and your IQ goes down 20 points while you're stuck there.

I asked my T this morning if that sounds plausible. He says it does, though in some cases it may be more than 20 points (in other cases presumably less).

That explains to me why I felt dumb for most of my teenage years with just a few glimpses when I was able to access my intelligence and realise 'I'm not dumb after all!' I think it became more noticeable to me when I was in high school, so 12 yo onwards.

Anyway, I thought this information might interest others on here.

[saylor]

Thank you for sharing, BB. Very interesting and makes a lot of sense to me, as I have generally felt my brain going offline (and causing me to lose my tongue or otherwise do something dumb or fail to act how I would've done best to act) in response to sudden/unexpected shaming. And that ends up breeding even more shame! 

Also, thanks for the notes in your other thread. Inspired by what you posted, I checked out the Center for Healing Shame website, and there are some great resources there. I especially liked this page: https://healingshame.com/self-help

I have lots of work to do to tackle my pervasive shame, which is fueling depression and really awful to live with, so this is timely. 

[Blueberry]

Bumping this because I'd forgotten all about it.

The usual: FOO spent years telling me how dumb I was and this article explains the correlation between shaming and temporarily - at least I hope it's only temporarily like when in an EF - losing a bunch of IQ points.
these FOO abusers and the problems they cause!

[Gromit]

I have the same experience whenever I am put 'on the spot', mostly at school, but recently in interviews too.

Some of my trauma comes from school. And from work too come to think of it.

G

[Kizzie]

I absolutely had this experience too, mostly in job interviews. When you think about it our brains are not working in the present, they are dealing with a lot from the past, fear, planning an escape, and grappling with feelings of humiliation and shame, etc. So it may seem like our IQ decreases but I'd suggest it's spread a little thin more than anything.

I do hate that feeling of "losing my tongue" and looking like I am less intelligent and articulate than I actually am.  There's a saying I posted on my door in the inpatient treatment I was just in that really resonates with me and how I treat other survivors and would like to be treated myself:

"Watch carefully
the magic that occurs
when you give a person enough
comfort to just be themselves."

- Atticus

[Not Alone]

So it may seem like our IQ decreases but I'd suggest it's spread a little thin more than anything.

That is a good way of looking at it. I think it is accurate and honoring for those of us who struggle with this.

[Blueberry]

"Watch carefully
the magic that occurs
when you give a person enough
comfort to just be themselves."

- Atticus

That gives me such a warm feeling, Kizzie. Good on you for treating others that way. I'm not sure I do irl. Tho it'd be really nice when others do to me and/or if FOO had done so. ETA or obviously if I was always capable of doing so for others. A thing I could work on

I absolutely had this experience too, mostly in job interviews. When you think about it our brains are not working in the present, they are dealing with a lot from the past, fear, planning an escape, and grappling with feelings of humiliation and shame, etc. So it may seem like our IQ decreases but I'd suggest it's spread a little thin more than anything.

Spread a little thin is a good way of putting it. More cptsd-friendly, the way we came up with alternate ways of naming cptsd e.g. w/o the disorder which sound more to the point from our pov. Despite what we and our brains are all dealing with - listed above by you Kizzie... what I wanted to write is gone.

It's a pertinent thread for me today because (1) once again I had no idea I started it and no idea I bumped it about 3 weeks ago and (2) my mental capacities are at such a low ebb atm. I forget mid-sentence. I forget the word I want in both languages. My mind feels empty tho it has been suggested to me in former years in similar situations that it really is overly full. So I guess it feels empty but it's actually blank and/or satiated. I just can't anymore. This situation will pass, like any other EF or multi-EF.

I'm sorry you get this too Kizzie and Gromit, but at least - haha - I'm not alone with it.

[GoSlash27]

 Possible trigger.
All,
 I was always a precocious child and a genius. Not bragging, just objective fact.
 My 'shame' came in the form of failure. My inner critic latched onto the fact that I was an abject failure despite that advantage. Everything I tried to accomplish failed, and my inner critic never passed on the opportunity to remind me of that.

 My intellectual development was ridiculously fast, but my academic progress was stagnant. By age 2 I was ready for kindergarten, by age 8 I was reading at a collegiate level. By 10, I was "inventing" mathematical theorem that had already existed but were new to me.
 At the same time, I wouldn't participate in class, never did my homework, etc. It was *extremely* frustrating. I didn't *need* to do that stuff, I was trying to learn *new* things and they weren't teaching me. I reasoned that so long as I continued to ace their tests none of that should matter.

 I was constantly falling short of 'expectations', and everyone would remind me of that at every opportunity. Here I am with this 'gift', blah blah. I owe it to the world to... blah blah.

Trigger warning

 Fast forward to 1992. I was unemployed, poor, had a son on the way, living in the projects, no future prospects. Some 'genius' I turned out to be, can't do anything right.
 I attempted suicide. I would later joke after the failed attempt that I couldn't even do *that* right.

 See... My 'therapy' wasn't working, it was actually counterproductive. And my inner critic was killing me.

 My son's birth transformed me; gave me purpose and direction. He saved my life. I stopped the therapy and medication and resolved to kill my inner critic once and for all. I succeeded, and have never been troubled by self doubt and criticism ever since. And I've never contemplated suicide after that.

 I'm not perfect by any stretch, but the things I'm good at, I'm *very* good.

 It is somehow possible to silence that inner critic forever. I can't explain how I did it, but I did. I wish I could explain how. Pretty much sheer force of will. 

 Happy Sunday,
-Slashy