How do you compartmentalize?

[Liliuokalani]

I am good at compartmentalizing relationships in my life. I've been pretty good at keeping work friends separate from friends I can party a little more with. I'm not one of those people that ends up getting drunk with the boss and lots of awkward things happen that I regret. But I cannot compartmentalize my life.

What I mean is, throughout med school I just feel like the life and school stresses just keep piling up and never cease. And when I fix one problem it's like five more come up in its place. I went NC with my family right in the middle of medical school because my parents were making my life a lot more difficult. But at the same time, I feel like I'm not very good at this whole being an adult on my own thing. I used to be very organized and good at budgeting and that has all pretty well gone out the window. And I think I've been subconsciously rebelling against it. I feel that I never really got to enjoy my childhood because I was constantly organizing and budgeting. That and I also had my mom to be constantly nagging at me and leaving notes all over the house about things I needed to do. I don't think I really even needed her nagging because I was trying to stay one step ahead of her in the hopes the nagging would go away. Well it never did. I was never organized ENOUGH. I was never perfect enough.

So how do I let things go for later? For example, I'm starting a new rotation on Monday and it's depressing the * out of me, I don't want to go back to rotations after I just took a huge exam, and I think it's catastrophizing. At the same time, I was harassed on my birthday two days ago, I wrote another post on that recently. I am still not getting the checks and credit cards I really need right now to be able to eat even though I have been talking to USPS for days and they are assuring me that my mail is no longer being forwarded to my old address. Also, I haven't heard anything about the rotations I applied to go to in August and September, which means even if I wanted to be organized and start looking into new places to live and if I should sell all my stuff or not, I can't, because I have no idea where I'm going, I keep bugging people and not getting answers.

I just feel completely like I have no control over my life and it's all piling up! What the * do I do!!!!! How do I survive this one day at a time! Gah!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi there thank u for sharing
I very much relate !
I came from a background of 'do do and more do ' lists - lines - perfectionism
And as an adult I have struggled with this massively.. Lately I am getting some relief and it feels so good --

So for many stress comes from the 'too much to do - too little time ' I think with us we have the added pressure of perfectionism and the feeling of there is never an end because we can never do enough and do it right -- much like a dog chasing its own tail it gets dizzy

So I can share the things that have helped / help me
Realising that this condition is wired in my brain - born out of fear - and so the compulsion ie the doing comes to try and relieve the fear - fear of not being good enough / perfect but because it doesn't get relieved by taking action the whole cycle starts again
Setting up a repeat pattern over and over and the anxiety increases

So for me I have done that stuff that therapists call exposure where I choose certain things in any given day to do and I leave the rest -- and the key here is tolerating that anxiety --
At the end of the day I list what I have done tick them and congratulate myself that I did well with these things
Meditation at both the start and end of the day really help me and mindfulness through out the day - learning mindfulness I have found invaluable

Having a mantra that feels meaningful has helped me too mine is
'I am competent capable and enough
Most people are not perfectionist and I learn from them - they are more organic in the way they do life - leave things unfinished - Realise that today is all I have
I often think of this ' soon the world will blow up and none of the other stuff will matter now I know this sounds drastic but it really helps me
And having fun -- in any given week there has to be some play and fun-- or else my brain just makes it about doing --
And finally realising that no one is actually going to tell me off anymore or be critical well not as critical as my inner critic anyway
I am my biggest critic and it's about being kinder to myself and seeing the pressure I put on myself is damaging
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be one task after another trying to get somewhere un achievable

I am safe and I need to feel that on a daily basis inside of me

[Liliuokalani]

I appreciate the sharing, I think some of your mantras would be useful for me. I am kind of stuck in an endless to do list because I think that's unfortunately how being a doctor is set up. I think it will continue into my residency. Perfectionalism is a hallmark of most medical students, but I'm finding that backing down from that a little is helping my performance, and I don't think it will lead me to make any fatal errors, or not more so than the average doctor. I decided to settle on an elective rotation that wasn't ideal for what I want to apply for, but I kind of had to make a last minute decision to fill a gap of time. I'm not sure if my decisions will cost me my residency matching, I feel like everything I do determines whether or not I will become a doctor. And it all terrifies me. The decisions just seem way too big. Which is why I kind of like the "if the world blows up none of this will matter" mantra. My version is "if I was diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow, would this matter?" to help me live in the now. I am very tired of the constant too do lists, so much so that I am all used up in the self control department, and when I come home much of the daily chores are left to the way side, and then I feel like a gross slob. Ugh.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi lili I really understand where u are coming from - or should I say where u mind is coming from-
I work as a nurse and part of that 'being a good nurse' is how much can be remembered, how much one can multi task and how detailed I am in my speech -
Gee what a task

In recovery it has been suggested 'wear your job as a loose garment' I like this - it reminds me to let my foot off the gas .. I am one tiny tiny small dot in the human race - my shoulders always tell the story ..

Another thing I tried and was really good was make a small list from the to do list and just stick with that and be happy with it -
Telling myself I did well at the end of the day is good too- going through what I actually did today and seeing it clearly ( it's usually much more than I give myself credit for -

Perfectionism is a horrible illness born out of 'not good enough' and fear
It's been one of my biggest and long term challenges

Yep I can relate to that getting home and collapsing - I find meditation / having a bath really helps and I imagine on the way home work floating out of me and back to where it belongs

Everything never all gets done - that is the reality I needed to keep telling myself - and to tolerate the feelings from that
I am pleased to report I am less perfectionist lately and am finding less compulsion to control things - ocd type behaviours is no fun and it's def a battle to be won...
Life was never intended to be so hard and rigid I mean where is the enjoyment in that !

But below it all I needed to feel more integrated before the control lessened that was key -good  therapy is the place

[Butterfly]

This reminds me of something I was reading in Pete Walkers book about the inner critic and perfectionism attacks. I printed the list and cut it into pieces so I can shuffle and move to the top the one I need to focus on for the week. Here's one excerpt:

Overproductivity/Workaholism/Busyholism I am a human being not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I am more productive in the long run, when I balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform at 100% all the time. I subscribe to the normalcy of vacillating along a continuum of efficiency.

http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

[Liliuokalani]

Thank you, I actually copied the pages at that part in the book and made them into a separate document I keep in my phone. I really should make more of an effort to read those every day so that maybe it stick in my subconscious. I know that I am constantly reminding myself of the parts that I have memorized. Soon I will have my electives finished and be officially graduated, I think maybe then I will be able to slow down a bit and focus more on myself. But at the moment I'm trying to finish up classes and work on the rather extensive application process for residency at the same time, as well as deal with my CPTSD, and it's ridiculous. I kinda think I'm not doing a good job of balancing everything and I keep beating myself up about it. Most students have already completed part of the application, the part where you ask for letters of recommendation, and I have not. And I'm worried that the procrastination and difficulty juggling everything will keep me from getting a match for a residency. But I'm trying very hard to do the best I can. Oy.

[Butterfly]

Sounds like you're juggling so much! For me just reading a sound bite daily helps. Every little bit helps.