Uncovering versus covering trauma

[Marianne]

Does anybody have ideas about this?

I've done a lot of self-reflection. And uncovering of trauma. Both things that others did to me, and things I did to others. I feel it brought some growth. I can for example speak up for myself and others better now. But I'm also in pain all the time. And see everything in a much more negative light. I feel overwhelmed. So I can't be a good person. And a good mum.

I am starting to wonder whether I hadn't better let everything covered up. And continued my life. As my family did.

Suppressing trauma traumatized me, because I found myself repeating the same things over and over. Digging up trauma re-traumatized me as well. Because I just focus on all the painful stuff. 

Is there a better way forward?

[Blueberry]

Once the trauma is making itself known though is still covered, in my experience trying to leave it covered doesn't work. Mine made itself known through physical pain that eventually took over my body and in exhaustion. You can put up with that, until you can't. Different people will put up with longer. Different people's trauma shows up in different ways, but it shows up.

As for 'digging up' trauma - it depends how it is dug up, how fast, by whom and what support you have. Also whether you can self-soothe in a healthy way and how much resiliency you have.

You don't have to respond, these are more questions for you to think about. Are you uncovering trauma with a trauma-informed therapist? Then I'd suggest discussing all this with them. If you're uncovering trauma on your own, I can only suggest going slowly and allowing yourself rest and recuperation between uncovering episodes.

Also it's good to touch bases here. You say you feel overwhelmed so you can't be a good person or a good mum. Feeling overwhelmed is pretty standard when recovering from trauma. It has nothing to do with being a good or bad person or being a good parent!! The very fact that you are trying to heal from your trauma shows that you have this good quality. It also shows you're trying to be a good parent - the more you heal the better you can parent. Leaving the trauma covered unfortunately doesn't prevent intergenerational trauma. Trying to heal it goes a certain distance in reducing the impact (I don't know by how much, no idea.)

[Chart]

Hi Marianne thanks so much for your post. I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. It sounds like you're struggling. I can very much relate to what you're going through. I applaud your courage to be honest and truthful AND be active in asking questions, seeking answers and hoping for solutions. Know that what you are experiencing is one of the hardest things known to humans. I becomes a matter of degree, but pain is pain. And it is so very hard to deal with. What exactly to do to cope is still a very long and complex subject. But being here and communicating with others is, in my opinion, one of the best things we can do. So again, bravo for your presence and activity. It's important to recognize your desire to do right and make change for the better. All that being said here is my response to your question and a couple suggestions that I hope will help.
1) I don't think once something is conscious it can be made to go back to unconscious. The cat is out of the bag. But I believe ultimately this is a good thing even though in the short/medium term it can actually feel worse.
2) Find a good therapist. Don't hesitate to change therapists if you think the one you're working with isn't really helping. Try several therapists, you can always go back if you change. The therapist will understand, otherwise they're not much of a therapist.
3) Read as much as you comfortably can. Pete Walker's book is a hallmark on this subject. Perhaps you've already read it?
4) Your comment about your behavior with your children impressed me by its honesty. I have three children and I have always tried to apologize when I realized I did something wrong to them. I have spoken a little of my difficulties and and understanding with myself. Guilt will only deepen the wound. It's hard, but I try to communicate appropriately with my kids and forgive myself. My therapist helps me a lot on this one.
I hope this helps. I send you love and support. Remember we on this forum are always here for you.