Im so confused right now, how do i know if i can trust my memories? TW for CSA

[Andy9934]

Im not really used to posting here, i think i only did my first post here and after was really scared but i need someone to talk about this, really.

So this is a alert of child sexual abuse triggers because that's the main trauma i need to talk about

As I said sexual abuse from when I was a child is my major trauma, and the worse was during years with my ex stepfather but even being years I remember not much of it, I just know it started soon when I was 7 and he got with my mother and escalated continuing until they broken up when I was 13. But in the last months, I'm having sometimes panic attacks with what I think can be flashbacks remembering more memories, i just don't know if I can trust them bc what I remembered before was sexual abuse but not so far as these memories. Like in one of the flashbacks I remembered straight up rape where before it was just his finger for what I knew. And yesterday in a panic attack I saw the memory of him covering my mouth and penetrating me (idk with what exacly) and really angry but in other memories he wasn't so angry at those times. But he was angry during a lot of times especially bc he physically abused me and my mom too and they used drugs so could have happened. Idk I'm so confused i wanna believe but at the same time not and I can't see Professionals now.

[Armee]

I believe you and your memories. I'm sorry he abused you in such horrid ways.

[Chart]

Andy9934,
You have a lot of questions because you were and are being wrongfully abused. You are normal but what was done to you was wrong and very very hard for you. You have made the first step to changing your situation by going on the internet and researching and learning. This makes you very intelligent and incredibly brave. I and everyone who has experienced similar things like you are proud of your courage.

Your English is excellent. You communicate very well and I understand all your words.
To answer your title question please be aware that your "exact" memories are not so important, especially now. Memories are very strange and when we are abused very often the brain "shuts down" because it is too painful. So you can trust your memories, but it is normal that they are jumbled and confused.

What is important now is that you get help to be in a safe place. Sometimes this is not easy to do depending on your circumstances. You have access to the internet. Can you do some research online about getting help in your country? There is also a lot of information on this website:
https://www.outofthestorm.website/links
Keep us posted what you find. You are very brave and I send you support and hope for the best.

[Papa Coco]

Andy,

I resonate with your post about how the memories come back with panic in them at times. I feel compassion on what you're going through right now. I'm no stranger to it myself, so I know how frightening it is and I hope that we, here on the forum, are able to bring any comfort we can as you go through this.

Over the years I've gone through some very scary bouts with memory recall that threw me into sheer panic. Screaming panic. Falling to the floor and begging God for comfort panic.

But I think that when we become stronger, that's when our brains believe it to be okay to leak out our memories so that we can process them as adults. Recovered memories are deeply uncomfortable, but I tend to believe that they are a sign of healing in progress. A bad feeling, but a good sign that the ugliness is coming out of hiding for healing.

Our brains have been hiding the events to protect us. Just look at how the real events were so traumatizing that we had to hide from them. So now, during the healing process, the brain seems to begin letting the memories back out, but not all at once. I believe that if I had remembered all my abuse all at one time, I'd have been just as badly traumatized as I was when it first happened at age 7.

As a child, my brain helped me to cope by hiding me from what happened. Then when I started to learn about Trauma, my brain saw me gaining some strength, and knew it could begin to let me see the truth, but only a little at a time. As painful as it was, I was making it through the trauma this time. As a kid, it blew my mind completely. As an adult, it blows my mind in metered doses, allowing me to process it--albeit painfully, but, even through the pain, I can process it now. As long as it comes out in bites and not the whole thing at once.

But that doesn't make it easy. So I am feeling for you right now and hoping that as the memories come out to the degree that your healing needs them to that some of us on the forum can bring you some comfort and friendship. We understand what it feels like and we care about each other.

I'm pulling for you,