to anonymous

[lostwanderer]

I wasn't lying (I don't think) when I said it was ok for you to spend the rest of the night talking to this person.  I really was ok with just chilling and watching a funny show and working on a project until I went to sleep.  YET I still woke up angry about it.  Angry that somehow I ended up with the short end of the stick.  Angry that I can see your schedule more clearly than you.  And you just don't have time for me!

And no amount of your "want to" is enough to bridge that gap.  And that hurts.  A lot. 

I wish your "want to" was enough but it's not.  Not without action behind it.  Not without intention.  And I'm not sure you have that.  At least not with me.  And I just don't get it.  It leads me down the road to wondering what it is about ME that seems difficult to follow through with intentionality.  I don't know how to fix it.  I'm not sure I can fix it.  The sad part is, if I didn't live under the same roof as you right now, I'm not sure we would have a relationship.  And, once again, I'm the one who seems to be making all of the effort with intention.  I'm tired.  I'm so tired of trying.  Of continually asking for clarification and specifics.  Of trying to connect the dots between "I care and want to have a relationship with you" "you matter to me" and the actual effort that's being put forth: I'm just living my life and you can make all the changes to be a part of it

I wish I would have never opened my mouth because sharing a need and just having it sit unresolved and barely getting met is completely and utterly uncomfortable.  And the thing is I don't think that I'm asking for much.  I think that's the other baffling thing about it.  I'm asking for things that you yourself have complained about!