My intro (trigger warning)

[Mercy]

Hello! Thanks for accepting my membership. I've read through the rules so I'll try to abide by them and keep things as brief as possible for now. Hopefully I don't overshare.

I'm a man in my 30s with a long history of childhood neglect as well as suffering other forms of trauma due to my parents being addicted to substances that they used to self medicate severe mental illnesses, dealing with losing loved ones to addiction at a young age and being put through the foster care system. I had managed to block up all the years of trauma until I became an adolescent and everything I repressed came back with a vengeance affecting my mental health severely, becoming agoraphobic (not leaving the house) for a year, eventually seeking treatment and after years getting a proper diagnosis of CPTSD.

I've made a lot of progress and strides in my life that I'm proud of but I also always feel like I'm 2 steps forward and then 3 steps back. I've reached a plateau in my treatment and been really unable to find effective therapy with my limited means. I find much of it boils down to my lack of self worth, self esteem, and self confidence after my childhood. Struggling with relationships due to my trauma doesn't help either. Not really sure how to rebuild as a person yet, but I hope to perhaps find some likeminded people on here who will hear me out and give me someone to relate to as well! Thanks.

[Blueberry]

A warm welcome to the forum, Mercy

Two steps forward and three steps back is a very well-known phenomenon here on the forum.

I am sure you will find like-minded people on the forum. I find there is usually at least one mbr who recognises themselves in me, no matter how outlandish my symptom seems to be. With a lot of symptoms - almost everybody has something along those lines.

[Chart]

Welcome Mercy, yes straight away I relate to your relationship problems. I just recently threw away a beautiful three year relationship due to an emotional flashback. Since, everything has resurfaced (like in your adolescence) with a vengeance. Hope we can help, at least through understanding.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome!

I am familiar with the "three steps back" feeling. But it sounds like you have made a lot of progress even if it does not always feel like it. Maybe the three steps are really only one step that feels extra bad because - well, going backwards usually does.

[Lakelynn]

Hello Mercy,

Welcome to the forum. 

You will find like minded people here and we listen! You've already made significant progress, which is a firm foundation for future growth. I'm glad you posted.

[Cascade]

Hi Mercy,
I'm glad to see you here!  You are not alone.  I'm sorry to hear of the past you had to endure.

One thing that has helped me with worthiness, esteem, and confidence is to begin noticing when the inner critic(s) start their attacks.  I certainly don't feel worthy, esteemed, or confident yet, but I'm just noticing the attacks and beginning to lay the blame at the feet of those truly responsible, instead of shaming myself and letting the old messages repeat themselves.  It sounds like you've done a lot of work already.  If you haven't found Pete Walker's book yet, From Surviving to Thriving, it has helped me immensely with my inner critics and much more.

I hope you can be merciful with yourself.  We're here for you!
   -Cascade

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Mercy.  I think your name says it all, show yourself mercy, plus compassion and kindness and recovery does seem to take hold.  I agree with what Cascade posted; that is, it's helpful to start noticing the negatives begin creeping in and what they're related to provides a measure of control. That way before the inner critic gets too loud you can tap into your inner protector and begin to question the criticism/fear mongering, and balance/cancel it with more realistic thinking.
 
I remember starting with "Am I really a bad person?" And then looking at myself realistically and saying "No, I'm actually a decent, kind person who has the "normal" anger/irritability/etc that non-survivors have". Another thing I started saying was "I do NOT have to be perfect, it's not reasonable to expect that of myself or anyone else for that matter". That takes a lot of pressure off.

Anyway, just some thoughts. I hope they help and again welcome to OOTS - now you have a trauma community you can rely on.

[Papa Coco]

HI Mercy

Welcome to the forum! I'm very glad you found it.

[Mercy]

Wow thank you all for the warm welcome and the advice! I didn't expect myself to become overcome with emotions but I think without meaning to I haven't allowed myself to feel troublesome emotions, like vulnerability. There's something incredibly powerful about feeling heard and understood though that I didn't realize I'd been missing for a long time.

[Kizzie]

 

[Papa Coco]

Mercy,

It's awesome to read that you are feeling the positive emotions of connection.

For me, living with CPTSD has been living with crushing loneliness, even when I'm with friends or family. Having people to interact with here on the forum who get what it feels like to be who we are is a pretty great feeling.

[Little2Nothing]

Mercy, I'm sorry for what you had to endure, but am glad you found OOTS.

[ednasurvivalmode]

Welcome Mercy. I'm new here too. Have mercy on yourself in the process of your healing!

[Kcrystal2]

👋 Hello
I'm Kat, new here

[Dalloway]

Hello Mercy,
I joined this forum recently, too and I can confirm that it's so wonderful how helpful and welcoming people are. It really returns and strengthens my hope in humanity 

I can also tell that I am very familiar with this one step-two steps dance and that I always thought when I was feeling down or not doing any progress that I am at square one again but then I realised it's so untrue and also very unfair from my critical inner voice to say that because I am not starting over in a sense of forgetting everything I learned so far, I am simply having a hard time cause I am human. There are times I have to remind myself of this fact because I also have a tendency for pessimistic point of view for understandable reasons but I'm trying my best, even if it means trying my best to accept that I'm not okay 

Sorry for long reply but welcome anyway