Shame over distrust

[Mathilde]

Sometimes when my parent does something scary (e.g. manipulate) I get extremely scared of them.

Afterwards I feel very guilty. Towards them. And towards God. I feel like a horrible person.

It is difficult to see them as a person who did something mildly abusive. I'm just terrified and then shameful. Switching from one extreme to another.

Does anyone do this?

[Kizzie]

I definitely felt scared of my parent when I was younger Mathilde, it's common for survivors whose parents are the abusers. They loom very large in our lives and it's generally not until we are  in adulthood that we learn that they are not as scary as we once thought they were.  It doesn't happen overnight mind you, it takes time to loosen the grips of guilt, shame and obedience we learned.

One thing we talk about a lot here is nothing is/was your fault, it's just something abusers want us to feel because it makes us powerless and them powerful. Recovery means stepping away from those beliefs and toward putting the responsibility back where it belongs, on them.

I am not religious but I think the God I would want in my life would truly NOT want me to feel guilty about every little thing, but instead to live a good, healthy and joy filled life. 

Just my thoughts but I hope they help.

   Hug if that's OK.     

[NarcKiddo]

I have spent the majority of my life being terrified of my mother, or because of her. Terrified of her rages, of her retribution, of making her sad, of making her angry, of her discovering how terrified I was and that making her sad or angry.

I do not think being scared is anything to feel guilty about. I mean, I get why you feel guilty, but would you scold a child for being scared of monsters under the bed? Would you tell the child that there is actually a seething mass of monsters under their bed and the only person who can keep them safe is you? Or would you seek to reassure the child that there are, in fact, no monsters under the bed, so the child does not need to be scared any more?

I agree with all Kizzie has said. I think abusers make it their business to have us believe in the monsters under the bed. And if we believe the monsters are there then it is perfectly reasonable to be scared of the controller of the monsters, because they are the only ones who (we think) stand between us and the monsters. When they start behaving badly to us (such as manipulating us) they show us that they might not actually have our best interests at heart. That they might actually let the monsters out from under the bed.

Really the only way to negate their power is to find a way to believe in ourselves and accept that there are no monsters.

Easier said than done.