to mom

[butterfly123]

Dear mother,

You were ill, a widow and because of that I had to take care of you inspite of you abusing me. I had to love you inspite of you beating me. It was not okay for you to beat me when my brother did wrong things. It was not okay for you to make me take care of my brother. It was not okay for you to make me do house chores when I was small, or yell at me when I missed a spot while cleaning. It was not okay to steal money from me. It was not okay to lie to me. It was not okay to take my money to give to my brother. It was not okay to use me to build assets for him. It was not okay to not love me or know me. I wish you could have kept your ego aside to see me for who I was. But I know you were not capable of your true self.

I am not able to forgive you, but I am trying. I am trying to forget you, but I am not able to.
Whatever love you gave me were breadcrumbs, which I had to earn. You told the neighbors that your daughter is very kind, if you knew that about me why did you hurt me.

I kept asking why why why. You could not give me any answers. You died without giving me any answers or solutions. Even before you died, you continued to financially abuse me. You knew what you were doing. You just did not care, but I was convenient for you.

I hope you heal wherever you are. The problem is, I still loved you, and still cared for you. I cared for you beyond you could ever understand. People love with the kind of heart they have, I guess yours did not know how to understand and love someone like me.

I am still angry at you.

[Papa Coco]

Butterfly

  Your love speaks highly of you. Your family's abuse speaks lowly of THEM. No matter what, you hold to the kindness of your own heart. They didn't take that from you. You are awesome. It's good that we break ties and protect ourselves from abusive toxic bullies, and it's good when we keep our own good hearts intact rather than become like those people.

I say this all the time: We, the people who struggle with cPTSD, are the good people of this world. We suffer because we yearn for good, and we didn't become what they became. It hurts. It's a heavy burden to carry, but in the end I'm proud to be a part of the community of people who have not become like them.