Dad

[Rizzo]

When I was little, things happened to me with my father that I am still not ready to detail.
But.. we are still in touch. I can say that he kicked me out of the house at the age of 15 and I was homeless for two weeks. He cursed me, humiliated me and despised me. He told me he hated me. When I was a baby, other things of a different kind happened.
I feel that maybe something is wrong with me that I am able to put everything aside only because I value a relationship with him.
I understand that I am a person who values family very much and it is important for me to stay in touch with them.
That's one of the things he taught me as a child.
But my father did terrible things during my life and so did my mother who allowed him.
I'm trying to figure out why I'm like this.
In therapy it is difficult for me to talk about my father.
I've had a lot of things happen to me with bad people in my life who aren't my dad.. I've been sexually assaulted many times. My life felt like it wasn't my life, it was other people's.
But what I had with my father was the most complex.. Makes sense.
I feel no anger or contempt for him, no hard feelings at all, which makes me feel like a very strange human being.
Sometimes I imagine what it would have been like to be born into a normal family, but there is no such thing, I know.

[Armee]

Safe virtual hugs.

[Kizzie]

But my father did terrible things during my life and so did my mother who allowed him. I'm trying to figure out why I'm like this.

I think you have your answer as to why you are as you are. No child who is subjected to ongoing abuse/neglect comes out unscathed sadly. It's 100 percent nothing you did or didn't do or who you are that brought it on, it's solely their demons and bad choices.

It may become less difficult to talk about all that happened as you go along and learn you are safe in therapy and sharing here. It can take a minute and patience though because we do tend to guard ourselves to save ourselves any further pain.   

[Papa Coco]

Rizzo

Your ability to hold no contempt for your father says a lot of good things about you as a person. I'm just now, after 40 years of therapy, I'm JUST NOW losing my contempt and hatred for my abusers. It feels good to let it go. And when I read posts like yours I feel encouraged to continue to let go of more anger. I still have trauma triggers, and I still have trauma EF flashback reactions, but the hatred is waning away. I just can't stand that feeling of the poison of hatred coursing through my veins. It's been said that hating someone else is like drinking poison hoping it will hurt them.

People like you, who have found forgiveness, are the heroes that I try to emulate.

I can see the beauty of who you became despite all that has happened.I'm super touched by your post. I'm going to be thinking about this post for a few hours today.

[Little2Nothing]

Rizzo,

I had a similar experience with my M. Though I am finding a deep anger rising up in me. I thought I had forgiven her but now I'm not so sure. 

[Rizzo]

Rizzo

Your ability to hold no contempt for your father says a lot of good things about you as a person. I'm just now, after 40 years of therapy, I'm JUST NOW losing my contempt and hatred for my abusers. It feels good to let it go. And when I read posts like yours I feel encouraged to continue to let go of more anger. I still have trauma triggers, and I still have trauma EF flashback reactions, but the hatred is waning away. I just can't stand that feeling of the poison of hatred coursing through my veins. It's been said that hating someone else is like drinking poison hoping it will hurt them.

People like you, who have found forgiveness, are the heroes that I try to emulate.

I can see the beauty of who you became despite all that has happened.I'm super touched by your post. I'm going to be thinking about this post for a few hours today.

Thank you for the kind words
The truth is I'm not sure I forgave him, I know I don't hold a grudge against him.

[Papa Coco]

Rizzo,

Sometimes I wonder if forgiveness is a daily choice. Some days I feel like I've forgiven the whole world for every bad thing anyone's ever done. Then the next day I feel all my anger and rage return for every bad thing everyone keeps doing.

Maybe it's a sign of the different parts within us. On the good days, my more forgiving parts are in charge of my body. Other days, other parts are in charge of my body. My "Self" is sort of swayed by which parts are at the helm on any given day.

Forgiveness isn't a gift we give to our abusers, it's a gift we give to ourselves. I feel clean and joyous when I feel forgiving. I feel like I'm full of hot poison when I'm not feeling any forgiveness. The abusers couldn't care less if we forgive them. Forgiveness is a gift to ourselves. I just wish I could get it to stick and stay with me every day.