Dissociation (I don't get it)

[GoSlash27]

 All,
 I just had a weird experience at my therapist's office today. She was explaining 'dissociation' toward the end of our hour, and she said her next patient might not be there yet because her light wasn't on.
 I asked how the light is triggered, and she said by the toggle switch by the door. She said I flipped the switch when I arrived, but I have no memory of even noticing the switch was there, let alone flipping it.

 I told her this, and she chuckled and said we'll talk more about dissociation next week. 

 Apparently this is an example? How much other stuff have I been doing on 'autopilot' not even noticing I did it? 

 Not gonna lie, I'm kinda weirded out by this.

 Best,
-Slashy
 

[Armee]

Dissociation is part and parcel with CPTSD. It really doesn't exist without it.

Don't worry. Yes it's weird but also it's how we survived everything we did. It is actually a skill that saved us.

I haven't read it but another forum member has recommended a book called "dissociation made simple."

Don't worry this doesn't mean you are crazy, it's what saved you from being crazy.

[Papa Coco]

Slashy,

I feel your concern. I've always been easy to blame things on because my own dissociations have always made me wonder if I had done something bad but didn't remember doing it.

HOKEY SMOKES! I have taken the blame for so much because I don't trust my own memory. I was 3 years old in Seattle when President Kennedy was killed in Texas. My lifelong joke is "if you tell me I was the person behind the grassy knoll, I'll believe you and confess even though I don't remember doing it." I've always attributed these dissociative moments as part of the gaslighting done to me as a child and young adult.

I agree with Armee. The dissociative actions, like you, forgetting that you'd pressed the button on the wall, are part and parcel of C=PTSD.

I've lived it many times. The story I like to tell most often is this one:

During the distress of my FOOs' final months, I remember pouring a cup of coffee. Then walking into the dining room, and suddenly, the coffee cup in my hand vanished. VANISHED. Like on TV shows where witches can wiggle their nose and things vanish, that's literally what happened. I looked down at my hand and the cup was just gone. I could still feel the heat of the ceramic mug's handle in my hand. I looked everywhere for that cup. It was gone. VANISHED into thin air.

Two weeks later, I went to the answering machine to check on calls. There was the coffee cup. Mould was growing on the surface of the cold coffee. Suddenly I remembered: I'd poured the coffee. Took the hot cup to the answering machine, set it down, then checked for voice mails, then walked back into the dining room and noticed the cup was gone. I had NO memory of checking the voicemails, which I had just done seconds ago.

In the second and third grades, I would wake up in class after lunch having ABSOLUTELY no idea where I'd been for two hours. The first time it happened, it scared the living bejessus out of me. After the first episode, it just became normal. But man...is it scary to realize that I can dissociate and forget doing things WHILE I'm DOING THEM. It set me up for a life of not trusting my own memories, or my own thoughts.

It's trauma. For me, it only happens while I'm in traumatic states of distress or EF. I'm pretty alert when I'm my healthier self. But when the pressure is on: I could wake up at any moment wondering how I got here and where my coffee cup went.

Today I mitigate this problem with transparency. During times of distress I won't drive a car anymore. My wife knows this, and she chauffeurs me around when I'm not sure I can keep myself associated. I don't use power tools or do anything dangerous anymore unless I'm feeling "in my right mind." I even worry about my posts that I write when I might be in a dissociative trance, so I avoid the forum when I'm feeling this way.

I hope your therapist is able to help you find some peace with it. We don't hurt people. We are hiding from our own pain. Pushing buttons and losing coffee cups seems to be as bad as it gets with us.

[woodsgnome]

Just a personal opinion, but it seems as though dissociation is often considered a problem, when as Armee points out, it's a normal, natural alright part of Cptsd's aftereffects.

I also had an experience with my T a bit like that, and I started to apologize to her when she calmly, almost nonchalantly, said it wasn't so much a problem as an opportunity to note. In my case, she went on to congratulate me for at least recoggnizing what had happened. I felt relief -- I wasn't 'bad' for experiencing a natural process, and I could go from there, adding that knowledge to my discovery toolkit.

Dissociation still happens in my life, but I tend to catch it better when it happens, and not blame myself for it; just digest it, if necessary, and move on to a new blameless frame of mind about it.