Confused memory

[Mael]

I've a very limited memory of childhood,I remember hiding under the bed , I remember hiding by lying very still next to my brother in his bed,I remember being scared,I remember tells my mother i didn't want to go to bed because ? And I remember her saying she would talk to him . I remember his weight pushing me down,I remember letting him win the game where he put the pillow over my head , and I had to get out , i thought if i lied still he had won ,but you have to struggle when you can't breath. I think he done this because he had done other things to me that I have only been remembering through physical sensations, I don't know if it is in my head or real. I get totally overwhelmed if I try to remember and start shouting at myself uncontrollable to shut up.i also tick loads and become overwhelmed .I don't know how to cope and I don't want these memories in my head .I won't let theses memories in my head

[Kizzie]

Mael, I'm so sorry your memories are causing you such distress. It sounds to me like they need you to let them out  which is why they keep pushing to the surface. Do you have a therapist? One thing a T can do is guide you slowly through them so you can tolerate them more. It's called being in your window of tolerance. Memories of abuse/neglect typically make us dysregulated because of their intensity so we have to learn to build up our tolerance in order to let them into our consciousness.

Here's some info about the window - https://www.nicabm.com/trauma-how-to-help-your-clients-understand-their-window-of-tolerance/.  Here's another one about going slowly so you can learn to tolerate the memories and feelings about what happened - https://www.nicabm.com/confronting-distressing-emotions/.

Hope this helps.

[Mael]

Thankyou, I have a T for about 6 months ,i think she feels that because I've been in crisis and have 4 teenagers to support ,she is unravelling very carefully. I think you are right that it seems to be forcing its way out, I seem to be triggered before realising i am . We are going to start addressing this on friday ,at the moment for me it is just to dark and painful .I trust and like her so i'll concentrate on her voice.   

 

[Kizzie]

That's great that you have a T you like and trust Mael  We're here so please feel free to post as it can really help to have fellow survivors' support and understanding.

[Chart]

Sending love, support and hugs Mael, if that's okay... Am so very sorry to hear you are struggling. Take your time. Be kind, gentle and patient with yourself. You are struggling with the most difficult thing known to us humans: Cptsd. You are incredibly brave. We're here if and when you need.
 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm sorry to hear about those experiences you went through, Mael. I can understand the feeling of not wanting those memories. I hope you can find some solace here.

Regards,
Aphotic.