Homework from therapy

[Tee]

So I made the mistake of taking my new book from Pete Walker From surviving to thriving.  So she flipped through it and landed in the back and read the human bill of Rights on page 315.

Why just why.

So my homework for the week is to work on believing number three. Which is "I have the right to make mistakes" ( just writing that makes me feel sick)  Because she said we can keep going round and round but that with classical cognitive behavior therapy she can't help get me out of my struggle because my core belief is I can't make a mistake.  So I pretty much I set my self up to repeat the self hate because I'm going to screw up which loads me down with self hate and crushing critisim so no matter how hard I try. I repeat the hate cycle because until I believe I have the right to make mistakes it won't change.

Possible TW
I'm not sure how to do this because making a mistake or getting away which was a mistake it ended in emotional abandonment, verbal ridicule name calling, and often physical punishment and beatings too. Both at a very young age and up through as I was growing from what I know.  But also during my teen years by other abusers who added sexual torment to the above-mentioned abuse when I screwed up.
End trigger warning

So how do I let myself believe it's ok to make mistakes?  I feel sick just asking the question. I feel like I'll fall apart.

[Not Alone]

Understandable that the thought of making a mistake is so disruptive when the consequences for making mistakes in the past were so horrific. I have some of that too, although for me the consequence was not as direct or immediate. I can't say I have this down, but what has helped me is having people respond to me with compassion, kindness, and mercy when I do make mistakes. As a parent, I've made tons of mistakes. Kids are really forgiving. Many other people (including my husband) have responded with kindness. Being human means being imperfect.

Baby steps. Kindness.

[Tee]

Thanks notalone

As a parent, I've made tons of mistakes. Kids are really forgiving. Many other people (including my husband) have responded with kindness. Being human means being imperfect.

Baby steps. Kindness.

I have made mistakes with my kids too and my husband but my ICr practically kills me when I do.    I don't know how to do this.

[Jazzy]

Well, that all makes sense. Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time of it.

I don't know how to do this.

That's okay though!

I have a lot of cognitive dissonance about making mistakes, so I wish I could give you a better answer, but its a struggle for me too. The best I can think of is that everybody makes mistakes, so when it happens, just argue with your ICr and tell yourself it is okay. It should help if you have others to help like kids/husband. Basically try to retrain yourself to a new response of acceptance when making a mistake... at least that is my approach. Hope it helps a bit. Take care!

[Tee]

Thanks jazzy

[jimrich]

Hi, I can only speak for myself & my process.
In therapy I was taught to change things or try new things out in SMALL, BABY STEPS...chunk it down....take on only as much as I can handle FOR NOW.  So, if I had to adopt a new belief like: "I have the right to make mistakes", I'd start by deliberately making some real LITTLE mistakes, and see how I or others react to it.  If all went well, I'd intentionally make a few BIGGER mistakes, and see what comes from it. As soon as possible, I'd deliberately make some REALLY BIG mistakes and then deal with the consequences.  Once I got used to handling MISTAKES, I'd move on to the next troubling belief/behaviorist and try out new and different actions in SMALL, BABY STEPS until I could handle the change or differences. 
Another method is to brazenly and boldly do something new & different like make a REALLY BIG MISTAKE and then courageously deal with the consequences.  I rarely do the "bold and brazen" one yet it sometimes worked for me before.  I prefer the BABY STEPS method for new & different actions.
good luck.....

[Blueberry]

Tee hasn't been around for quite a while so may not read this.

Jimrich, this method sounds like behaviour modification / cognitive behavioural therapy. That does have its place - it seems to have helped you after all - but in my experience it doesn't work on deep-seated stuff like this or if it does, it's only on one particular example of a mistake whereas there are millions of additional possible examples!

I have something similar going on around mistake-making as Tee due to parents' similar treatment of me around mistake-making from early childhood onwards. There is NO WAY that I am going to make any deliberate little mistakes. The EFs that come out of non-deliberate little mistakes are bad enough, or of course out of non-deliberate huge mistakes. In fact, it's often hard to figure out what is a huge mistake or a little mistake because in FOO there wasn't much differentiation in reaction. At least once I'm in an EF (which can go on for weeks or months) I can't tell if a mistake is huge or small.

I have needed various forms of trauma therapy to make a dint on this topic. And a lot of encouragement from therapists / or sometimes fellow patients. That's enough of that. Hard to write about this topic, my mind keeps going blank. 

I'm glad it has helped you, jimrich

[NarcKiddo]

I think the idea of baby steps absolutely has a place and makes sense on many levels for many things.

But I cannot understand how it could possibly work in reconciling oneself to the fact that we are human and make mistakes. I, too, have a problem with mistakes and perfectionism. I hold others up to impossibly high standards, too, which is grossly unfair, although I am far more forgiving of them than I am of myself. Part of what I cannot understand is how it would even be possible to make a deliberate mistake.

What has helped me is talking my over reactions through with my therapist. So now, if I do make a mistake, it is easier for me to talk myself down from my immediate response of "CALAMITY!" to something more like "That's a shame. Is it fixable?"

[Chart]

Here's my logic that I've pieced together over the past nine months digging throughout the forum and elsewhere. Not sure it can help everyone but it's sure helping me:

There's no possibility of learning without "conflict". And by learning I mean "true understanding". (Note, memorization, for example, is not the same as true understanding.)

And "conflict" implies a fundamental shift in understanding. You butt up against something that resists your previous view of reality. That is to say, something that we thought we understood "changes". We are in "conflict" with our old ideas. Or we are in conflict with someone else's ideas. But this is the fundamental of learning, so conflict is necessary for learning and growth. But as in any conflict we (or others) can insert a negative judgement, and define the experience as a "mistake".

So "mistakes" in reality, are simply the natural process of learning. (This we've understood pedagogically for a long time. Kid's make mistakes all the time. They're just learning.)

However, there are humans who have clearly twisted this process in order to manipulate and control others.

The guilt feelings surrounding our learning processes (mistakes) are conditioning from Abuse.

When anyone feels overwhelming guilt for simple "mistakes" they are experiencing a Trauma Reaction from past abuse.

So say it out loud: WHAT I AM FEELING IS A TRAUMA REACTION. Make it pre-frontally conscious even if the emotional amygdala doesn't change, ie you still feel horribly guilty. Of course you have to repeat this for awhile before starting to sense a change, but it will come.

Tee, I don't think you are feeling guilty because you made a mistake... You are having a Trauma Reaction. Because you were manipulated and abused during your perfectly normal childhood learning process. This abuse created shame around something everyone does and is fundamentally necessary for all humans: Learning.

Taking this perspective is a fundamental mind-shift that absolutely must be recognized, brought out in the open and made conscious.

For working more directly with the amygdala and the feelings of guilt (or whatever), my latest technique involves Tapping. (See Butterfly Technique.) I get comfortable and safe, close my eyes, tap alternately left and right shoulder, and ask myself the question: "What's wrong? What do you need? What can I do?" I do this for as long as I need. And I see what happens. So far with this technique I calm and shift in 15 to 20 minutes. I often get an answer to my question as a Part of me literally responds, telling me what it needs.

I firmly believe I'm getting through to my amygdala using the pathways of Left brain prefrontal conscious Logic, passing through to the Right brain Emotional Creativity which can usually come up with something that my amygdala "understands" AND THUS is able to respond to, because the pathways are opened BOTH ways via the Tapping.

But there are certainly other techniques you could put into practice to reduce and get under control the emotions that the amygdala automatically produces upon feeling the "shame-mistake sequence ".

Hope that can help. It's working for me at the moment. What I REALLY like about this technique is the price!