Frustrated Emptiness

[Cascade]

Hi group,
I'm so frustrated by not being able to function... well, to fully function.  I can do the minimum; food, sleep, occasional shower; therapy, the forum, my BFF once a month; but there's just nothing there to draw from anymore.  I feel like an empty shell.  And I want to scream from the top of the highest mountain at the top of my voice, just to try to release the frustration.  Maybe the shell would crack.
Maybe the emptiness would be released.
Maybe my energy would shine brightly.
Maybe that energy is the new energy I need.

The visualization is nice.  My body is still tense.  Somehow I know I cannot go searching for that new energy or try to generate it.  It must emerge, on its own.

Am I ready to function?
Do I want to function... really?
 
It's so confusing to be caught in the middle of the drive to function without any drive to function.  I want it (do I?) but I don't want to have to do anything.  I know it's up to me.  I'm trying to take responsibility.  It feels like maybe functioning better is more of a should than a want.  So I guess I'm back to avoiding responsibility for my own life.  I should be able to live a life but somehow mustering the energy to live life seems impossible.  I hate this.


Ugh,
   -Cascade

[Little2Nothing]

Cascade, I know the feeling of being weary in the battle. There are precious few days that I feel free of the pressure.

I have often wondered if it was worth the effort to continue trying. Then I think if I give up then my abusers win. So, I struggle on grateful for the moments of sunshine and trying to be hopeful in the dark of night.

I hope things get better for ypu.

[Dalloway]

Cascade, this really resonates with me and it´s so hard to describe, yet you did it so well. I can totally relate to the frustration you are describing here, oftentimes I feel like exploding because I have all these feelings and thoughts and it´s just sooo foggy and messy and I feel like it will just never end.
So yes, I understand that it can be very frustrating and I´m really sorry for that, but I hope things will get a little clearer for you with little time. Sending encouraging hugs, if that´s OK.     

[Cascade]

Little2Nothing, yes, battle weary for sure.  Thanks for your hope.

Dalloway, I feel like you summarized it perfectly!  Thanks for your encouraging hugs!

I have all these feelings and thoughts and it´s just sooo foggy and messy and I feel like it will just never end.

Hanging in there together,
   -Cascade

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm so frustrated by not being able to function... well, to fully function.  I can do the minimum; food, sleep, occasional shower; therapy, the forum, my BFF once a month; but there's just nothing there to draw from anymore.

I completely get that. We're living but... are we living well? It's so incredibly difficult though to just get up, to want to get up. Things that others do so effortlessly seem to feel so impossible.

I have all these feelings and thoughts and it´s just sooo foggy and messy and I feel like it will just never end.

Absolutely.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Cascade]

Thanks, Aphotic, for your recognition and validation. 

Trudging through another day,
   -Cascade