I´m happy to have found this forum - introducing

[WeAreAllAPartOfUniverse]

Hello everyone ,
I'm very happy to have found this forum and happy to be here!
I've been recently diagnosed with C-PTSD and am currently practicing to speak about it. So forgive me , if my text is a bit clumsy.
I come from a ,,perfect on paper" family. Mercedes Benz in front of the door, nice house, house wife and kids doing balett. The whole village thought we were the perfect family, but inside it was the opposite. Narcissistic abuse, violence, humiliation, toxicity, abandonment, a mom with a helper-complex + co-dependency and a sister, who had picked up narcissism and continued narcissistic abuse on me along with my father, without any protection from my mothers side. Instead sometimes, she even went on their sides abusing me with them together.
I know now, that my family role is the scapegoat, the truth teller and the one, keeping everyone in line and happy.
I'm struggling with depression, self-worth and anxiety my hole life. After a burn-out and beeing bullied at work from my superior 7 years ago, it started with my immense fatigue, what I suffer from until today. Doing a new therapy since 2,5 years, where I luckily found a therapist with a good "antenna" for narcissism, my first revelation was last year. The therapy got me to the point, seeing everything clear in front of me, like the curtain has lifted. A first "tsunami" of pain and fatigue (like after a surgery), combined with an immense feeling of calm, was washing over me. After that, I did a family cut-off. My intuition got me to youtube and some channels of professional therapists talking about c-ptsd  and narcissism. I felt like "coming home", "finding my pears". I just knew and felt, "I have that!" Another tsunami of pain and fatigue was rolling over me. Now my therapist finally gave me the diagnosis now.

Feeling isolated from the "normal world" and beeing with "normies", often feeling like an alien,  I long for people now, who know, what I´m going through and support one another. Also in my country the knowledge about c-ptsd does not exist in society.

I struggle with long freeze states, emotional flashbacks, nightmares every night and immense fatigue. I am not able to run my small business, as I should to. I might need to give it up due to that, what would lead to big financial problems. My husband is super understanding and sweet, with a good heart, but I fear, that one day ,,he just had enough".

I hope my text was not too long.
I am super happy, to have found this forum and wish everyone here understanding, support and healing.
Warm wishes

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, WeAreAllAPartOfUniverse.

It's often good to finally get the diagnosis! Your story sounds familiar, though there are differences too of course 'in the facts', like I don't have a partner but I would definitely be frightened of one giving up on me and my difficulties and going. There are members on here with partners who don't give up and disappear!

I'm glad you're in therapy and making progress with that. There's lots of good information on the forum and lots of places where you can write your story or bits of it to get it out or practise getting it out. I wish you much support and healing here on the forum too 

[Papa Coco]

WeAreAllAPartOfTheUniverse,

Welcome to the forum; a community of likeminded people who understand, all too well, how awful it feels to be in the role of the scapegoat. I feel sure you'll find empathy and compassion here, as there are so many of us who played that same role in our families. This community of awesome people has given me great comfort and strength over the last few years, and I hope that you find them to be as awesome for you too. I'm sorry for all you've been through, but glad that you are on the road toward recovery. It's a long road, but it's made so much easier when you have people who are on the same path to share your thoughts and feelings with as you navigate the various healing tools that are becoming available to us survivors of narcissistic trauma.

I really love your name, WeAreAllAPartOfTheUniverse. So true. In my own healing journey, When I acknowledge that we're all connected in some way, I make better progress. Knowing that we're all a part of one universe has been one of the keys to my healing progress. I've taken a class or two from Dr. Robert Falconer, the author of The Others Within Us, and I believe, as he does, that any healing technique we participate in needs to have a spiritual component to it. A sense of soul-to-soul connection. For me, anything that recognizes that universal connection between us all helps me to respond better to the healing. When it's science only, it doesn't work so good for me.

Your post was not at all too long. I'm glad you shared as much as you shared, and I look forward to interacting with you more in coming days on the forum.

Welcome to a safe and loving place for those of us who've felt alone for far too long.

[WeAreAllAPartOfUniverse]

Thank you Blueberry for a first reply. And nice to meet you. 
You are literally the first person in my entire life, saying, that it sounds familiar! I am glad to meet you, and at the same time, I  am very sorry, that you know this situation and went through something familiar.

Thank you for telling  me, that here are partners, who last  . That already feels better.
I wish you, that you, one day find a good partner, too (if you want to). I think with healing and beeing aware of our past abuse, we have a good chance of finding a good person.

[WeAreAllAPartOfUniverse]

Hi Papa Coco,
nice to meet you. And thank you for your warm words  That feels very good. I just dropped a tear. I am glad, that you like my  name  . I am indeed on a spiritual journey also. But at the moment I am very into science and all the new study results on  trauma. It shows me like "oh, that´s why I acted like that", "that´s why I have ilnesses, based on inflammation", "makes total sense".

(Triggerwarning Religion)
A few years ago, I was used to be a part of a bhuddist group (not a cult). Which felt very good at first, the community, studying texts, what changed something in me positively. But then, I observed some things, not matching to my situation. "Forgivess", "pray for them", "you can do it". I know now, that it triggered me and put the responsibilty on my side, if that makes sense. So now, I plan to reunite and teach them about trauma and sensibily for such cases. They are good people, just didn´t have the knowledge. What are the practises or beliefs you are doing? I am eager to hear.
(END Triggerwarning Religion)

I like to hear, that you are spiritual too, and hope you found something, what matches to you.
Thank you for your tip also with Dr. Robert Falconer. I will check it out. I am currrently following and reading books of Gabor Maté, Pete Walker  "From surviving to thrieving" and John Bradshaw "Homecoming - Reclaiming and  championing your inner child". I can recommend those.

I look forward too, writing with you and find out more on the forum.
Wishing you healing and the warm, fuzzy feeling of knowing to beeing a part of the universe 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I come from a ,,perfect on paper" family. Mercedes Benz in front of the door, nice house, house wife and kids doing balett. The whole village thought we were the perfect family, but inside it was the opposite. Narcissistic abuse, violence, humiliation, toxicity, abandonment, a mom with a helper-complex + co-dependency and a sister, who had picked up narcissism and continued narcissistic abuse on me along with my father, without any protection from my mothers side. Instead sometimes, she even went on their sides abusing me with them together.

My family dynamics were very similar. Completely normal and functional from the out, derelict and sinister on the in. My mother was also heavily co-dependent and would often watch from the sidelines without intervening when she should have. I understand your pain.

I struggle with long freeze states, emotional flashbacks, nightmares every night and immense fatigue. I am not able to run my small business, as I should to. I might need to give it up due to that, what would lead to big financial problems. My husband is super understanding and sweet, with a good heart, but I fear, that one day ,,he just had enough".

These struggles and fears are also so familiar. There are so many things I should do, want to do, and would love to give it all I have - but I just don't have the energy to spare. Sometimes feels like everyone around us has their own set of C batteries but we CPTSD folks only have a handful of AAA batteries to use... trauma is tiring.

Welcome to the forum, I hope you find the site to be a useful resource.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[WeAreAllAPartOfUniverse]

Aphotic,
it feels sooo good meeting someone with similar experiences and also I'm so sorry, that you need to go through this, too.

I very much like your analogy with the AAA battery! That's so true!
I have another one, you might like :
It feels like taking a bike-ride with others, but your bike has a flat tire, what no one notices. While everyone else is riding without effort, you get more and more exhausted and more and more behind and then you need to take a break. While the others have already arrived at the final destination, you are still struggling with your situation.