I never understood what was wrong with me

[Little2Nothing]

For most of my adult life I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I didn't think like other people, I wasn't able to handle disappointment and failure like other people. I was constantly afraid that those closest to me would eventually abandon me. Every time my wife and I had a disagreement (no matter how small) I was twisted with anxiety, fearful she would leave. 

In 2015 it all came to a head. My world collapsed and I withdrew into myself. I wound up in a psych hospital. Which, by the way, was the worst experience of my life from a healing perspective. It was a prison. You had no rights. You were bullied and controlled. I left there in worse shape than when I went in. My psychiatrist said I had PTSD and loaded me up with enough drugs to keep me from functioning even at my diminished capacity.

I saw many therapist at the time. I don't believe most of them understood the impact of my childhood trauma. They did their best, but I never felt like they really knew how to help me. Now 9 years later I have finally found a T that understands and has helped me greatly. 

For nearly 60 years I bore these burdens alone. I never knew why I felt and acted as I did. My T told me I had cPTSD and after she explained it and after a few sessions a light went on inside of me. I have a long way to go, but knowing the WHY has done much to give me hope that I can improve. 

[PaperDoll]

Hi Little2Nothing,

I am sorry for everything you have been through. Your post resonates with me. 

I was put in an inpatient unit at 14 and experienced horrors that contributed to my CPTSD. There was little to no regulation back then because it was privately run. I am so sorry that you were treated so badly in the psych ward you went to by people who were supposed to help you.

You are courageous to open up about your experiences here. Glad that you have found a therapist to help you with recovery. I wish you peace and healing.

[woodsgnome]

Welcome to this next step on your journey, Little2Nothing.

Some of your experience rings very true for mine, especially the lack of feeling truly connected to anyone who seems ok to trust. This is why I find this forum/website so helpful. I hope you'll begin to feel you've found a group where you can begin unpacking the long years of angst, wondering what was wrong, and how to turn it around, especially when the 'professional' help wasn't adequate either.

 

[dollyvee]

Hi Little2,

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry went through that and hope you find what you need on this forum.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I wish you all the best on your continued journey towards healing.

[Little2Nothing]

I am more hopeful now than I was a year ago. I am determined to get better. 

I am grateful for my wife who is very supportive. She goes with me to couples counseling which means a lot to me. 

I want to thank everyone here for their kindness and support. 

[Chart]

Little2Nothing, I am with you 100%. I'm looking at Carolyn Spring's website. I find it superb. I highly recommend it.
https://www.carolynspring.com
And the same for her podcasts. Youtube organizes them easily in order, just search Carolyn Spring, but they're also all on her website. She's making the "things" I need to do much clearer to me. It's constructive... and I pray I can start doing it. I wish us both the courage to advance. Sending much love if that's okay.

[Cascade]

Wow, Chart!   
Thank you so very much for sharing Carolyn Spring's website.  It looks phenomenal!  I'll be diving in, too.
   -Cascade

[Little2Nothing]

Chart, thanks for sharing that information. I have bookmarked her webpage. 

[Gromit]

For most of my adult life I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I didn't think like other people, I wasn't able to handle disappointment and failure like other people. I was constantly afraid that those closest to me would eventually abandon me.

Yes, that is what it feels like. Luckily, I found the clues which led me here after 40 years not 60 and without a visit to any kind of hospital.

I also recommend Carolyn Spring and Pete Walker, of course.

G

[Chart]

Chart, thanks for sharing that information. I have bookmarked her webpage.

All the credit goes to the oots forum. I got the reference off another thread and checked it out. But am glad to have potentially helped!

[jimrich]

 
Hello:
I too had a lot of years where I just couldn't figure out what was/is wrong with me and then, at about 45, I became so bad that I just had to go for help which led to joining a 12 step AA support group, ACOA, and in there I was taught how to go back through my memories & life to finally discover that I'd been seriously emotionally damaged by my already damaged parents (plus some genetic stuff) and that was why I'd always been so "different" and troubled from day one.  Learning, through memories more than anything, helped me to understand what had happened to me and then I was taught how to OVERCOME all that emotional damage.  It took a lot of work and time but I finally got to a point where I felt normal & capable of living a better life.  My story is very long and complicated but I can say that therapy, more than any other thing, helped me and showed me what was wrong and then how to FIX IT.  I'll probably be working on my issues for the rest of my life and it's better than blindly struggling with myself and all the damage my parents did to me. They also were damaged but never saw a need to fix or recover from their "issues". 
It's very sad that emotional damage is so easily passed down through the generations but SO BE IT.  At least there is some kind of help, like this website, for Trauma Survivors . 
Good luck, jim

[Kizzie]

Jim, you may find this book helpful - It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn.