Sinking into depression because of comparing

[Desert Flower]

I don't know where to put this topic, is it emotional disregulation, re-experiencing trauma, or negative self-concept? I think all of the above.

(Okay, I found it really difficult that the subject of hijacking threads was brought up. I never thought of it that way. I thougth I was just bringing my experience to the forum. And I have great difficulty when I feel I did something wrong. It makes me feel small and angry and not want to write anymore. This contributed to my EF.)

So my EF really started when I read a message somewhere about some of my former college friends who all made it to be directors of something in their professional life. And me (crying now, I've been holding this back) being the little nobody that I am it feels. Still a regular employee at some government agency because I cannot bear to do more, the tension gets too much. Just cut back my hours because I couldn't cope and am starting therapy. (I might say: good for me, taking care of my needs. But it just feels like losing.) Being of the perfectionist type, I always thought I should be the best at everything. And I'm not. And it shouldn't matter, I know. I am okay the way I am. But it just makes me feel like such a failure. Here I am, taking care of the kids, the house, work, my n mom. How come I never feel it's enough?

[Hope67]

Hi DesertFlower,
I felt emotions reading what you wrote here - and wanted to come and offer you a safe hug of support, if that feels ok 
Hope 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Hope 

[Lakelynn]

Desert Flower,

We don't know each other well yet, but this topic has been an issue for me as well.

May I suggest it is part of a grief reaction to your losses earlier on in life? In our feel good, look at me culture of posting only wonderful, happy, cute moments on social media (or learning about accomplishments elsewhere), the reality of daily life gets lost. It's a double edged sword remembering that we are here on in this forum because we didn't get what we desperately needed as children.

The problem is we never could reach our "full potential" because of that. (IMO) And when we see others doing what we could have done, or tell ourselves SHOULD have done, it's debilitating.

But I still think it's possible to get on top those feelings, or in time make them so small they don't have their power to bring us down. Can you create a space for yourself which is only yours? Mentally? Is it possible to say, "I am doing it differently that what I received." " I AM able to work and have chosen to prioritize my family over that same work." Don't forget, women are in an impossible bind, doing everything for others, yet receiving the message they can HAVE IT ALL.

You are enough, you are doing enough and all the people you care for could not do without you. 

[NarcKiddo]

The world needs regular employees. If you could in theory "do better" then society is lucky that you are in the position you are because I am sure you are doing your best. The pressure to be the best is horrible and impossible to achieve anyway. So I am sorry you are struggling with that - but it resonates.

(I am totally with you on the thread hijacking issue. Really sorry it contributed to your EF. I am glad that even if you are feeling small and angry you are still writing. I hope the nasty feelings will pass soon.)

 

[Blueberry]

(Okay, I found it really difficult that the subject of hijacking threads was brought up. I never thought of it that way. I thougth I was just bringing my experience to the forum. And I have great difficulty when I feel I did something wrong. It makes me feel small and angry and not want to write anymore. This contributed to my EF.)

I also have great difficulty when I fear I might have done something, it's triggering for me. It has got a lot better in the past couple of years but before that I was often almost paralysed with fear of doing something wrong. Had I felt I actually did do something wrong, well, I don't even want to think back to that. So when I read your first two paras - I knew, I just want to write and say I can really resonate and I'm really sorry you felt small and didn't want to write anymore and that all of that contributed to your EF. Gentle    if you like, but if it's too much/too close, please ignore. It's brave of you to come back to write about the situation on here I hope you didn't feel uncomfortable in your anger, but realise you might have done, since anger isn't always that easy a feeling to sit with. But you also acted on it imho by writing that bit in brackets and that's a great step  

I don't know where to put this topic, is it emotional disregulation, re-experiencing trauma, or negative self-concept? I think all of the above.

I sometimes find it difficult to decide where a post belongs because it seems to fit 2 or 3 different boards (I call that 'trauma brain'-induced, which may not be your case though.) Anyway you're not alone there. In case you're worried about 'doing something wrong' by starting a thread on a slightly less than ideal board, I can assure you that at least objectively nothing bad would happen. I do realise that with cptsd, it can still feel really bad. Occasionally such a post is moved by Admin (Kizzie), but you would get a gentle notification about that in your in-box. End of story. For various Guideline infringements your post might be edited a little and you will get a PM from Kizzie. I used to moderate on here and remember how that kind of thing was done. Kizzie was Admin then too, so it won't have changed. I've been on forums (not for cptsd) which are far stricter, immediately send a warning and I gasp with shock at the wording. Doesn't happen here

[Desert Flower]

Nice to get to know you Lakelynn, thank you for your response. That's spot on. It is a grief reaction to earlier losses in life, that I'm only now starting to feel and for not having been able to live up to my full potential because of what happened. When I accept it, I feel better. And anyway, this perfect picture is not real, is it. It's a picture, it's not life. Life is messy. And I'm getting better at dealing with the mess, I do see that too.

Thank you for your comforting words NarcKiddo. The nasty feeling did not quite go away but I did manage to talk about it to my husband a little and that helps. Now, what's left is a headache from crying. And some other stuff I encountered, I'll put that in another post maybe.

Yes, Blueberry, I get very anxious about making mistakes. I heard so many times in my life all the things I supposedly did wrong (which was all rubbish of course), this is ingrained in my system very deeply I'm afraid. So I'm used to working very hard to avoid making mistakes, which is impossible in the end if we wanna do anything in life, I know. And whenever I do made a mistake, it's very hard for me to think about it or accept it. And then I'm so relieved when things do turn out okay. They most always do of course. It's an irrational fear. But it's there, yes.

(Just to make sure, it's about me being triggered, not about Kizzie moderating this forum and when it's necessary to intervene, Kizzie, I'm happy you dare do it.)

[Armee]

Gentle hugs.   

I find the hijacking threads conversation difficult too.

I can relate to what you wrote and indeed can barely work 16 hrs a week as a government employee.

But yes, you are doing that and it is important. Not everyone needs to be director.
The jobs of the employees who get the work done is important too. And you take care of everything else too. It's a lot, it's enough, it's too much. But that feeling of not enough is so stubborn, isn't it?

[AphoticAtramentous]

(Okay, I found it really difficult that the subject of hijacking threads was brought up. I never thought of it that way. I thougth I was just bringing my experience to the forum. And I have great difficulty when I feel I did something wrong. It makes me feel small and angry and not want to write anymore. This contributed to my EF.)

I felt my own EF there too, Desert Flower. You're not alone. A hug if you would like:

Still a regular employee at some government agency because I cannot bear to do more, the tension gets too much. Just cut back my hours because I couldn't cope and am starting therapy.

You should very much do whatever you are comfortable with doing, and if that involves cut back hours working in a government agency then that's completely fine. I remember having a classmate who ignored his health, decided to take on too many classes at once on top of part-time work. As a result, he couldn't complete all the work he was assigned, and his mental health deteriorated even more. We all have our limits, and only when we are within those limits can we truly excel. I am glad you take those steps to work within your limit. Nobody wants you breaking down on the job! 

I also would like to remind about the hierarchical organisation structure pyramid. Within your average organisation, there's only one CEO, only a few executives, only a handful of managers... the largest portion of the work force are the employees, the workers, the front line staff. If everyone was a CEO, we'd have no food, water, electricity, or shelter. Every single role and career in the world has a purpose, and though we may be a small part, we are still equally as important.

But also, those higher roles can be so stressful. Sometimes I wish I could return to a simpler role, doing work that doesn't require me to think so much. But unfortunately I need the money, heh.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you for the reassurance Armee and Aphotic. I appreciate that.

[Desert Flower]

And also, I wanted to add, now that I feel better, of course the point is not to achieve the highest possible position, although that is what my Ms. Perfect would have me try, the point is to be happy. In whichever position I fit best.    Just to affirm that for myself.