Hi, I’m here

[Stillost]

Not sure if I did this right. Crossing my fingers. New here, somewhat newly diagnosed, but spent the first 20 yrs in extreme trauma. No father, illness and death of 3 older siblings, birth-20, spent the next 30 yrs self medicating and taking care of business. Realized I was loosing my mind and have been trying to get better ever since. At this point,59 and in therapy.

[Hope67]

Hi Stillost,
Welcome 
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to the forum Stillost. I didn't know I had CPTSD until my 50's and I think there are others here who discovered the reason for how they were feeling later in life. I hope therapy and being here helps you. 

[Chart]

Hi SL, looks like you did it right Welcome to the Forum. I'm 55. Never too late to begin understanding and healing.
Sending hugs if that's ok.
 

[Stillost]

Hey all, thanks for the welcome. It's been a hard road. It's hard to share what happened with me. I tend to cut off all emotion. I always feel alone. I feel broken most of the time. As long as I stay home, away from others, I can almost convince myself I'm ok. But then something happens and I'm overwhelmed. When I was young, I was the only "healthy " kid. That being said, everyone thought I was going to get sick and die also. Including me. I  got all the treatments, all the medications, the biopsies, the hospital stays etc. When I was 11, they decided I was ok, and my mom put my sibs in hospital, so I could have a normal life. It was too late. Within 3 yrs, I was on my own. Lived on the streets until I was 19. Got married, had kids. I met my dad 2 yrs before he s*d. Was an orphan by 32.

I found out a few years ago that I had never been sick. Everything that happened was at least explainable if it saved my life, but, I was never sick!

I grew up wanting to be a hermit. I don't fit in this world. People are so scary.

I'm hopeful that talking to others who have been through this will help.

Thank you for your support

And the hug 😊

[Beijaflor57]

A warm welcome, Stillost. I think you will find this forum a safe environment to share and be supported. 

[Papa Coco]

Stillost

Welcome to the forum. You've been through a lot.  Sharing it is something you can do in your own time. You're not required to share anything you aren't wanting to share on any given day.

I'm glad you found this forum. The love here is very nurturing and healing.

I look forward to reading more of your posts. And as you navigate the complexities of C-PTSD, I hope we can help and bring comfort as needed.

We tend to feel like isolated souls, lonely and yearning for love, so I like to remind myself over and over, that I'm not the only person who feels utterly alone on a crowded planet. This forum is filled with beautiful people who also feel alone.

We're alone together. But also: We're stronger together.

[Kizzie]

Do you think your M may suffer from Munchausen by Proxy Stillost? https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/munchausen-by-proxy.  It's a form of attention seeking at the expense of the child much like narcissism, a form of abuse/neglect many of us here were exposed to.

I also want to mention that feeling like we don't belong in this world is a very common feeling many of us have and you're spot on to think that talking with others may help. When we each realize we're in a community of sorts with people who get it we start to understand we are not alien. All that we feel are normal responses to abuse/neglect.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm so sorry for what you went through. Welcome to OOTS.

[Stillost]

Lizzie,

My family had a very rare disease. It was undiagnosed for many years. Part of my issue I think is that in some ways she was all you would want her to be. She taught for us, took us all over the world for different therapies etc. my sibs lived at least ten yrs longer because of her. Everyone thought she was great and amazing. Everyone thought I was great and amazing. I lived in a land of Drs. But again, everyone thought I had it too, they thought one of the things she did worked. She and I were absolutely convinced she had stopped it in me. I know she took out a lot of her frustrations out on me. I was her helper. I knew how to talk to Drs. I took care of my sibs. I know she did her best. It just feels like I was somehow forgotten along the way. She spent my entire childhood trying to save us, then left them in a hospital and left me with the state. I guess she had enough. She died over 25 yrs ago. I still miss her and talk to her. I wish we had talked about what happened.

[Kizzie]

OK I see.  I'm so sorry you've had a long tough road Stillost 

[Desert Flower]

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through Stillost. A very warm welcome here.

[Stillost]

Thanks again. Reading your posts, I don't feel so alone. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I don't fit in this world. People are so scary.

I often feel the same way, Stillost. I'm sorry you've had such hard experiences in your life. I hope you can find some comfort here on the forum.

Regards,
Aphotic.