Don't know what to do with the pain

[Beijaflor57]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here—maybe I just need to vent, or maybe someone could offer some advice.
 
Over a year ago I went low-contact with some of my family—mainly my narc sister and her flying monkey siblings—and when I did so, I sent letters to most of my siblings, confronting the ones that needed to be confronted, and then explaining I would no longer be attending many family gatherings. I also sent a letter to my parents, explaining a little of what was going on (without naming names), and inviting them to further discussion about the problems in our family. Although my parents reluctantly accepted my decision to go low-contact, they were not open to further discussion. This grieved me, but I realized I couldn't force any discussion on them that they didn't want to have. So I let it go.

However, because my parents are still in the dark about what's really going on, especially in regards to the narc sister, how she has treated me, and the overall damage she's inflicted in our family, I frequently have to stuff down very painful emotions whenever this sister is brought up by my parents in conversations with me—usually glowing ones describing the 'wonderful' things she's doing. It's especially painful when they seem to make these assumptions that this sister and I are on good terms. (This is how much their heads are buried in the sand.) I long to say something, but instead I have to bite my tongue.

I hate 'pretending' like this, but I don't know how else to deal with this situation. It just feels like it's getting harder, as more time passes, to keep up a happy-go-lucky façade—I can be having a perfectly good day, and then my mom brings up something in a text message about the narc sister that sends me on a downward spiral, mentally and emotionally.

I'm currently in one of those downward spirals, after something my mom told me yesterday. I'm beginning to understand how other victims of abuse feel every time their abuser continues to be put on a pedestal and worshipped, while they suffer all alone. It's so horribly unjust.

[Kizzie]

Beijaflor I understand only too well what you're going through as it was the same with my NB.  My parents did not want to hear anything negative about him at all, just as they didn't want to hear anything bad about our family. 

It took me a very long time to realize this was their way of protecting themselves and the image of the family they hoped to portray.  To let anything in that didn't fit the picture was extremely threatening and they did not want or couldn't handle that.  It isn't right, it isn't fair I know but it is what it is in families like ours.

Once I realized that they would not ever hear me, I left things alone and focused on my life. I got my doctorate, have a good marriage and an awesome son and so I moved into the position of Golden Child (although it wasn't something I was chasing).  He ended up getting a divorce (although they blame his ex-wife for everything that went wrong), so they had to face the fact that he wasn't the shining star they made him out to be.

I didn't talk to them about him after I realized they needed to hang onto their image of him, but life did the talking for me I guess you could say. 

Can I just suggest that you don't have to read those emails about your sister, nor do you need to talk to them about her?  You can simply say to them that you've tried to tell them you don't have a good relationship with her and don't want to hear about her and leave it at that. It may take them a bit to stop if they are anything like my family, but if you keep restating this boundary, eventually they are likely to "get it".  No need to bite your tongue anymore, no need to fear those emotional jolts when they talk about her, and so on.  It's really quite freeing or was for me.

Good luck!

[Beijaflor57]

Thank you for the kind and helpful response, Kizzie. I'm sorry you've had to deal with a similar situation. I'm glad, though, that you've gained some freedom.

Yes, like your parents, I've realized my own parents can't handle the truth and are simply protecting themselves. I guess where my situation might be a bit different is that I've never directly told my parents that I don't have a good relationship with the narc sister. Although I told them I was being bullied and mistreated by several of my siblings (I have seven, and I'm the scapegoat in the family), I never named names. I know, from conversations with my mother, that she has hunches about who some of these siblings are, but, again, I never explicitly told her, or my dad, who they are. And they've made it clear that they don't want to know, nor do they want to know details.

My mom doesn't send me emails, but texts sometimes, and it's in these texts, or even in-person conversations sometimes, that the narc sister comes up. Should I just outright tell my mom I'd prefer not to hear about my sister? Or, despite her and my dad's protests, explicitly tell her, "I don't have a good relationship with this sister"?

I think, if I were living farther away, and actually had a support system outside my family (sadly, right now I'm mostly on my own), I'd be able to handle the situation better. 

[Kizzie]

My mom doesn't send me emails, but texts sometimes, and it's in these texts, or even in-person conversations sometimes, that the narc sister comes up. Should I just outright tell my mom I'd prefer not to hear about my sister? Or, despite her and my dad's protests, explicitly tell her, "I don't have a good relationship with this sister"?

It is up to you of course but if you think you can deal with any of the potential backlash (and there may be some), then it's a good way of setting boundaries and protecting yourself.

Just a thought here but I know you mentioned you don't have a support system outside of your family but it doesn't sound like you have one inside the family (unless your other siblings are supportive of you). There may be actual in person support groups in your area - maybe not for CPTSD/trauma specifically, but for people on their own for whatever reason. 

If you do go ahead, I know with my NM she kept talking about my NB and I as though we had a relationship so I had to keep reinforcing that we didn't and that I did not want to hear about him.  It took some time but eventually she got it as I wouldn't answer emails where she talked about him. When she was still alive I know she would talk to my NB as though he and I were still communicating and he went along with it. Strange but typical of N's, they create their own reality. 

[Papa Coco]

Beijaflor

Oh my gosh, what you're writing about your sister and your flying monkey siblings and your non-supportive parents could be a chapter right out of the story of my own life. My narcissister is 11 years older than me. She's a monster. I had 4 siblings: I was #4 of 5. I was fifty years old when I'd finally had enough and went full NC with the entire family.

I look back in utter horror at the way my mother made sure I stayed within my narcississter's reign of lies and gossip and meanness. My little sister took her own life because of this monster, and when I became the new youngest of the siblings, I was the one to start getting the anonymous letters in the mail telling me to kill myself.

I'd tried a few times to get Narcissister out of my life, and good old mom would invite me over. I'd get to the house only to discover I'd been lured into an intervention where all my siblings were there, to support this family as mom would basically make me apologize to my narcissister for what SHE had done to ME.  Mom would whine and cry, "I just want all my kids to get along."  Waaaah.  It worked. It kept me in the family until my own suicidal ideation became too close for comfort. I almost went where my little sister went. That's what it took to get me to realize: My FOO or my life. I can only do one. It was do or die. A binary choice. So I chose my life and let the Family of Origin (FOO) go. I haven't spoken to or seen any of them in 14 years. I'm happy with my decision and hope to finish out my life without ever seeing or hearing any of them ever again.

I'm angry about what your parents and flying monkey siblings are doing to you because I still feel the sting of when my family did all the same crapola to me. I didn't deserve it and I believe you don't deserve it either.

I know there are reasons some people can't go full No Contact with their FOOs. So Speaking ONLY FOR MYSELF, I can report that my healing journey went from using expensive therapy and treatments as a way to just survive another day, to using therapy and treatments to actually move forward in my healing. Once the family was out of my life completely, I was able to start benefiting from treatment. I later wrote my own little quip, that goes like this: You can't start healing from a train crash until after the train stops crashing. To go into therapy while still in the abuse is just putting daily bandages on a body and heart that's still being abused.

[Beijaflor57]

Just a thought here but I know you mentioned you don't have a support system outside of your family but it doesn't sound like you have one inside the family (unless your other siblings are supportive of you). There may be actual in person support groups in your area - maybe not for CPTSD/trauma specifically, but for people on their own for whatever reason.

Sadly, no, I don't have any true allies inside my family. At least not currently. I have 'healthier' family members, and three brothers that I have an ok relationship with, but no one has ever stood up for me. Nor have I had a single apology from the siblings who have been abusive toward me, after I confronted them. Everyone is basically in denial and everyone but me is duped by the narc sister—who is oh so charming and wonderful to those who enable her and put her up on a pedestal (I'm one of the few exceptions in the family). I'm single and live alone, in a town over an hour away from most of the family, which, on the one hand, is good for me, but also incredibly lonely.

I tried looking into therapy last year, but didn't have any success. I live in a small, rural town, where resources are few. 

If you do go ahead, I know with my NM she kept talking about my NB and I as though we had a relationship so I had to keep reinforcing that we didn't and that I did not want to hear about him.  It took some time but eventually she got it as I wouldn't answer emails where she talked about him. When she was still alive I know she would talk to my NB as though he and I were still communicating and he went along with it. Strange but typical of N's, they create their own reality. 

I appreciate your advice and support, Kizzie. You may be right and that being upfront with my mother may be my best option at this point. Unlike your mother, mine is not a narc, thankfully (just highly codependent), so perhaps she'll be more receptive. However, previous conversations with her over sibling issues have often been tense. She just wants 'everyone to get along,' because to her, peace means fawning and enabling others (which is what helped create my narc sister in the first place!  ).

And, yes, it's so true that narcs create their own reality. I'd venture to say that codependents/non-narcs can as well. My parents also seem determined to live in their own fantasy reality.

[Beijaflor57]

Beijaflor

Oh my gosh, what you're writing about your sister and your flying monkey siblings and your non-supportive parents could be a chapter right out of the story of my own life. My narcissister is 11 years older than me. She's a monster. I had 4 siblings: I was #4 of 5. I was fifty years old when I'd finally had enough and went full NC with the entire family.

I look back in utter horror at the way my mother made sure I stayed within my narcississter's reign of lies and gossip and meanness. My little sister took her own life because of this monster, and when I became the new youngest of the siblings, I was the one to start getting the anonymous letters in the mail telling me to kill myself.

I'd tried a few times to get Narcissister out of my life, and good old mom would invite me over. I'd get to the house only to discover I'd been lured into an intervention where all my siblings were there, to support this family as mom would basically make me apologize to my narcissister for what SHE had done to ME.  Mom would whine and cry, "I just want all my kids to get along."  Waaaah.  It worked. It kept me in the family until my own suicidal ideation became too close for comfort. I almost went where my little sister went. That's what it took to get me to realize: My FOO or my life. I can only do one. It was do or die. A binary choice. So I chose my life and let the Family of Origin (FOO) go. I haven't spoken to or seen any of them in 14 years. I'm happy with my decision and hope to finish out my life without ever seeing or hearing any of them ever again.

I'm angry about what your parents and flying monkey siblings are doing to you because I still feel the sting of when my family did all the same crapola to me. I didn't deserve it and I believe you don't deserve it either.

Papa Coco, I'm angry on your behalf as well! I'm so, so sorry you had to deal with such vile malevolence in your own family. I can't even begin to imagine how traumatizing all of that was. I'm incredibly glad, though, that you made it out alive, and that you are here now blessing us on the forum with your compassionate presence.  You obviously made the right decision in walking away.

I've struggled with depression and episodes of suicidal ideation much of my life, but the suicidal ideation increased dramatically during the recent years I was living with my parents (due to health and financial reasons) and being subjected to escalating abuse from my narc sister and her flying monkeys. Like you, I finally realized I might end up killing myself if I didn't establish some boundaries and/or move out. I didn't move out till last year, and soon after I did I notified my parents and siblings that I would no longer be attending most family functions, for my own mental and emotional well-being. And I've stuck to that. I haven't found it necessary to go full no-contact yet, as there are family members I still want to have a relationship with, but low-contact has definitely improved my mental and emotional state.

Your mom sounds a lot like mine. She just wants 'everyone to get along.' I've tried explaining to her that 'getting along' is not always possible and the importance of boundaries in relationships, but so far she hasn't really demonstrated that she fully understands these concepts. I'm hoping she eventually does.

I know there are reasons some people can't go full No Contact with their FOOs. So Speaking ONLY FOR MYSELF, I can report that my healing journey went from using expensive therapy and treatments as a way to just survive another day, to using therapy and treatments to actually move forward in my healing. Once the family was out of my life completely, I was able to start benefiting from treatment. I later wrote my own little quip, that goes like this: You can't start healing from a train crash until after the train stops crashing. To go into therapy while still in the abuse is just putting daily bandages on a body and heart that's still being abused.

As I stated above, I can't/don't want to go full no-contact at this point, but I do understand the need for such a radical step for many people. I'm so glad it's helped you in your healing process.

I love your little quip--how true that is!
 
Thank you for all your kind words of support, Papa Coco.

[Papa Coco]

Beijaflor,

 

Just a big hug from me to you.

I'm glad partial No Contact is working for you. I never advise anyone to Full NC unless they absolutely need to.