Marcine’s journaling forward

[HannahOne]

Hello fellow INFJ! 

The vulnerability is beautiful and strong, resilient and full of grace for self and others. I see that in you. May that beautiful vulnerability flourish safely where it belongs---grounded, not high-flying, rooted in who you truly are.

[sanmagic7]

   thank you, dalloway, for putting those feelings of deep and heartbreaking into words.  that sentence grabbed me as well, but i wasn't able to see the fullness of it.  to think of how long we've been running just to keep that 'kite' in the air is mind-boggling.  if i stop to think about it, well, i can't.  it's too big.  can't surround it with rational thought, altho i know in my heart of hearts it's absolutely true.

thank you, marcine, for that picture-perfect picture of my life.  i won't forget it.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

A kite without wind looks like it's flying if the person holding the string never stops running...

Oh, wow. What an apt analogy for so many of us.

Thank you.

[SenseOrgan]

And surprise, in the crumbled wreckage, in the charred remains after the inferno, Seeds of true me resprouted... tiny, pale, determined vulnerableness.

I nurture and protect myself naturally as I grow, learning as I go.

I am here— with my compassion and curiosity intact, learning to advocate for myself and to live with a loving heart. Because that is who I am.

Not wasting away in bitterness and cynicism after such devastation is a monumental achievement. It's beyond the victim identity (that does deserve to be embraced for however long needed). It's truly free of the burden of the past to include and transcend it, by sinking into who you always were. It's a pleasure to witness that unfolding in you, as you. I hope you don't mind that I see you as a warrior of the heart. "An open heart is a fearless heart." Michael Taft.

[Papa Coco]

Marcine,

So much of what you said could fit my life too. Punished for holding boundaries, punished for ever being angry at people who hurt me, compassion that I believe we were born with, but our training turned us into people-pleasers which sort of watered down the compassion. Those born without compassion become the next generation's bullies. In that respect, you're ahead of the game. You have good bones to build on.

From reading your posts, I would bet you have a lot of good in you and are struggling to learn how to appreciate and enjoy it.

I feel like I can sort of connect with your story, so I think of us as being somewhat alike. And for me, having all that compassion in me but not knowing how to use it felt like I had a Corvette in the driveway but could never find the key so I could enjoy driving it.

[Marcine]

Thank you friends for your support and encouragement! It means the world (alive and well) to me.

I'd like to braid in with PapaCoco's Corvette analogy of the powerful car with no key to enjoy driving it. In my case, I was taught to keep lending the beautiful car out to anybody who asked and they kept crashing it. And I had to repair the car to lend it out again.

I got so accustomed to my needs not mattering, to my job being the repair of other people's crashes of my car, to having no option to refuse, to be the one longing to feel the thrill of driving free and having to over and over deny my desire, that need for speed and freedom.

The ignition key was there all along. It wasn't lost. I just kept handing it over to others because that's what I'd been programmed to do and it was too much to question.

I now know I hold the key and I want to drive that 'vette!

It is my vehicle, my joy, my compassion, my job to maintain, my responsibility to not cause harm as I drive. As I drive smooth and fast, knowing exactly when to start leaning into the curve. Or driving slow and idling in a purr, through the school zone.

I do and always have loved driving, especially on the open road. My dream car is a classic Maserati Bora. But I digress...

I've recently had several opportunities to voice my needs and preferences, at work and in social settings. It's still very challenging for me, but some things I've set up for myself are working:

- Noticing as my body tells me clearly when my boundary alarm has been trespassed, by me or others. This is key for me. As important as watching the gages on the dash. There are internal muscle twinges and a felt sense of "wait a minute- what?!"

I am committed to staying connected with myself even as I dread what action will be required. I will honor my truth this way.

- Stopping then to check in with myself. And deciding what I need to do. This still feels like a difficult, radical pivot even as I've been practicing for a while. It may feel natural someday or not. I'm going to keep doing it.

- Honoring my natural compassion and desire for teamwork. This is the code I am currently (re)writing. How to respect myself and build meaningful connections with others who are authentically living their truths?

I got so used to believing my needs didn't matter, I didn't matter. Nothing mattered unless I gave up myself. Which of course is the ultimate abandonment and sacrifice. A true deadend road.

What a place to be now— alive and well, exploring what it is to be authentic AND compassionate, speaking truth AND building connection...

Still lots of tinkering to be done under the hood and sometimes gotta pull to the side of the road because of an overheated engine, but I'm not staying parked in the garage. I feel the wind in my hair, sharing the open road with other fun-loving, good-hearted, nutty folk

[Hope67]

Hi Marcine,
I really enjoyed reading the car analogies.  I am imagining you feeling the wind in your hair, and enjoying your drives in the open road - and lots of us travelling along beside and around you - some in cars, some on bikes, and even the odd aeroplane in the sky. 
 

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Marcine,

Sounds like you're learning how to keep your hands on the wheel while still sharing the road with others ... not parking the Corvette in isolation, but also not tossing the keys out the window every time someone asks for a ride 😊.

That's some seriously hard-earned driving skill right there.


P.S.:
TBB: Lamborghini
Baloo: any spacious SUV will do

[sanmagic7]

marcine, i also loved the car analogy, have spent many, many miles on road trips by myself or w/ others, and felt safest there, on my own, that feeling of freedom.  so glad for you that you are now able to keep the keys for yourself and enjoy your own ride.  that's the best!

love and hugs

and my ultimate fav car is an Avanti.  fell in love w/ a white one in '65.

[Marcine]

Hope, TBB, San, thanks for the responses! Good vibes all around, and I love hearing the dream car list...
(Maybe Baloo the wonder dog would like a convertible too?)

[NarcKiddo]

I am committed to staying connected with myself even as I dread what action will be required. I will honor my truth this way.

- Stopping then to check in with myself. And deciding what I need to do. This still feels like a difficult, radical pivot even as I've been practicing for a while. It may feel natural someday or not. I'm going to keep doing it.

  

That's inspiring.

[sanmagic7]