lostwanderer's recovery journal

[lostwanderer]

You are so welcome.  I can't imagine that it's a pleasant realization but I do hope it might bring some clarity or a new level of healing to you, Chart.

*****
09.13.2024
I have some feelings ... right now I'm feeling doubtful.  My sib, whom things are rather complicated and awkward with at the moment, reached out to me asking to connect at a certain time.  It's 11 minutes til that time and their usual night routine hasn't even started yet.  I want to believe that my sib will keep their word but I'm very doubtful.  The sad part is this isn't the first time & I'm afraid that if I call them out on it that somehow it'll get turned around on me, like I'm in the wrong. 

Like, I get it.  You're busy & distracted.  BUT DON'T MAKE PROMISES YOU DON'T INTEND TO KEEP!  Yes, I might be "future tripping" and having feelings about something that hasn't actually happened yet but their track record hasn't proven to be very trustworthy.  Here's to being disappointed again. (hopefully not but it's not looking good).

[Desert Flower]

And I wonder if the idea that my parents didn't actually love me is still too big for me to digest.

Me too lostwanderer and Chart. That's a big one to digest. But it totally explains how I've been feeling and why and that makes me calmer at least, I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. I will start trying to accept this or try starting to accept this.

[lostwanderer]

it totally explains how I've been feeling and why and that makes me calmer at least

I totally understand this DF!  When I first heard that I definitely felt some relief (like I had a real answer for the first time) but it's also so sad.  Still difficult for me to fully embrace the reality of it.  And I imagine it will be for a while honestly.

[lostwanderer]

09.18.2024
I'm feeling really sad and probably grieving.  And probably really confused with all the feelings I am feeling too.
I have this desire to share but then when it comes down to it it's like I go blank. I have no doubt it's due to the many times I was told by my M growing up that I shouldn't feel a certain way or that I was wrong, etc.  So then I'm just left in this emotional swirl wanting release, wanting validation or compassion or even to just be seen but I "can't".

This all feels like it's my fault even though I *know* it's not.

[Desert Flower]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way lostwanderer. It's just really hard sometimes. But you're becoming more aware and that's something. And I can validate what you're feeling, it's normal in our circumstances. And only knowing what it is doesn't instantly make it go away unfortunately. But maybe knowing you're not alone in this will help a little bit. Sending you support.

[lostwanderer]

Thank you DF, your kind words and support are helpful

*****
09.20.2024
I am feeling some anger and confusion and betrayal right now.  It's the aftermath of a hard conversation.
I've been living with my sib and my nieces and nephews (on & off when they're here) for the last 6ish months.  It wasn't even planned that I would be there this long.  It's been hard and triggering and disappointing and more often than not I have wondered if I made a mistake in asking to stay.

More recently my sib asked me via text to leave due to all of the "turmoil" and miscommunication.  Yeah, I have had some feelings about that but we had a chat to discuss things more in detail and I don't regret anything that I said.  I did feel some peace but I am holding that along with the anger and confusion.  I can't begin to know what's actually going on with my sib but when I first arrived here things were good.  The only reason I asked to stay longer was because of that - it felt like a soothing balm to my soul.  But something changed.  I don't know what. 

My sib would come in the kitchen where I was doing my own thing and just start talking.  Since I've always known this visit was temporary I took every opportunity to connect.  I feel shame that I did so because I wonder if that was codependent.  It seems that it was confusing to my sib, well more so when I stopped engaging as much.  I tried and tried and tried and tried to connect - with my sib, with my nieces and nephews to continued rejection.  I got tired.  I tried talking to my sib about it - nothing changed - in fact, I was told to keep trying.  It's been really messy and has now led to them asking me to leave. 

I'm hurt.  I'm disappointed.  I'm annoyed and angry with my sib.  I told them last night that I don't appreciate being a scapegoat and getting blamed for how uncomfortable things got when it's not just my fault.  At times they seemed a little remorseful.  The conversation's not over but here's the kicker... during all of this my sib started seeing someone new (nothing wrong with that).  BUT my sib and I had a very vulnerable conversation right after they met this person where I realized that I felt sadness due to how my sib basically abandoned me when they started seeing their first spouse (now ex).  I know it was never intentional (at least I hope not) but it still sucked - we were best friends and went through some really s**ty stuff growing up.
My sib seemed to be accepting of that and extended an invitation to grab a drink the next day because we hadn't really been spending any intentional time together.  They bailed on me.  Like, I understand liking someone.  I understand getting caught up.  I understand all that but to consciously do that the day after I shared some really personal stuff???  Kinda leaves a gross taste in my mouth.  The trust was even more severed than it had been already.  Like, tell me I don't matter without telling me I don't matter, you know? 

I confronted.  My sib apologized and owned it saying that was a really crappy thing they did.  They said that they understood if I didn't want to hang out and also that it would take a while to repair.  Yet there was no repair.  It's just gotten more awkward.  I know that my sib has created their own stories around it without talking to me about it and I have basically been left alone - it's like I have a disease here.  Like my sib thought that because I was just hanging out in "my room" all day one weekend doing my own thing and never saw me (because they all left and never told me and it just so happened that I would come down when everyone was gone) that I would self-harm!!!!!!  No, I would never!  And knew that's what he wanted to know but doesn't know how to ask me directly.  And after all that to be asked to leave because it's uncomfortable with me living here and they don't trust me because I'm "unstable"?!  SINCE WHEN have I been unstable?!  This whole thing is f***ing MADDENING!

Here's another kicker... it's been about a month, maybe.  My sib has been breaking their own boundaries left and right and spending all of their time on the phone with this new person even to the point of lying to their kids and feeding their kids super late at night because they're so busy on the phone.  And again I get it, it's nice to be wanted.  My sib left last week and took time off work to travel to see this new person cuz they live in another state.  I knew they would be gone but I woke up that morning to a quiet house - no communication, no nothing.  Not even a "Hey, I took off.  Enjoy your weekend."  Oh yeah, and they got MARRIED!!!!!!  Yeah, my sib has every right to make their own decisions.  And at the end of the day, it doesn't affect me much except if I'm being kicked out.  Except if I'm being lied to.  The whole time I've been here my sib has gone through at least 5 other relationships thinking they all could be "the one".  They said they wanted me to meet them because they valued my opinion.  They even broke up with one because I walked them through some stuff and encouraged them that they didn't deserve how they were being treated.  But I guess this new one is different?

Once again, I'm left so confused because the things my sib says and the things they actually do don't seem to match up.  I'm so disappointed.  In them but also in me.  It's hard for me to not blame myself continually giving them the benefit of the doubt for the promise of connection but that connection never seems to really comes.  I guess what can you expect when we've both grown up in dysfunction?  Constantly I am left in the dark.  I wonder if that bothers me because of my hypervigilence but I do think it's common courtesy to communicate especially when living in a shared space.  I can make excuses for my sib all day: they've been living on their own without having to answer to or communicate with anyone for a couple years blah blah blah.  It's in these moments where it's really hard to see the good things they have done to connect because it just feels like it's not enough. 

I don't know... maybe I'm just afraid of what that could say about me that I basically have no relationship with my FOO.  I really had hope that my sib and I were starting to connect more recently (even before I traveled here and stayed) but that hope is pretty much gone now.  And due to all this "mess" I have no desire to know anything about their new marriage.  So it just feels like I have ruined any sort of relationship with my sib and my nieces and nephews at this point.  So I'm alone.  Again.  Starting from the beginning trying to figure life out and pick up the pieces.  Does this ever stop?  Because I feel like I'm living that unconscious cycle that keeps repeating and I can't help thinking I'm the one to blame.