Recovery notes aug 24

[JamesG3]

So, where are we now then?

Big changes afoot here. All good I think, but naturally, a little more dicey if c-ptsd is in the picture.

Firstly, work going through a transition as we go though a buy-out. It's good, more cash, more security and interesting to boot, but it will perhaps take energy, and if there is one thing I've learned about energy and C-PTSD, it's that you have to manage it, budget for it as if it were money. Two years more, then I retire. That's the plan.

Then there's a house move, quite a long way away to a sleepy town where we can work remotly. Lovely house but a fixer-upper. More energy.

Money is finally under control after a LONG down cycle. Significant.

An old friend finally came up good and started communicating. Seems we both have ADHD. Mixed feelings here as he clearly wants my understanding because he needs it, but... well... where was understanding for me, ya know? It's a tough one to shake, the feeling of weariness where friendship should be. But I'm better just pushing past that and welcoming him back in. If I can.

Then there's my coldness in my relationship, some from me, some from my partner. Both of us want it to drift away but there's a bit of manoeuvring. Clearly there are some seismic life changes incoming which will give us the excuse we need to drop our various foibles. I feel like I'm ready, I just have to cross t's and dot i's and all that. Money a big part of that, huge. I was massively exploited financially in the past, used by the four closest people in my life and it cost me everything. I have nothing to show for a decade and a half of mindboggling effort. It cuts deep. I have to trust again.

For me, it's all about time really, I need time away from work, quiet healing time. I need to think through the last chapters of a long story. It's hard when I'm so swamped with work. I'm also terrible and resting. Surviving c-ptsd and it's attendant financial chaos has been an epic, and I'm terrified of easing my foot off the pedal. But I'm close to safety now. All I want is a good few years with my creativity front and centre. My books are doing really well, but that's on a very small allocation of available time. If I break through in the next couple of years then I feel I've achieved my ambitions. I just wanna write, and paint. It's who I am. I could get very nagry at how my potential has been blunted all these years but that's gonna waste my energy. At 61, there's no point. I need to press on, start living and clean up the last  worries in my head.

[Kizzie]

James I'm sure you know there are all kinds of people who started painting, acting, writing, and so on in their later years so you do have time. Clean up those last worries and then you can get to the good stuff and really live doing the things you cherish the most. 

[Papa Coco]

James,

Congratulations on how your buy-out is giving you this new sense of relief and security. I trust that you will truly enjoy your time much more quickly than I'd learned to enjoy mine post-workaholism.

I can resonate with much of what you say here. I was forcibly retired from my 42-year career when I was age 60. My plan was to work until I was 65. But the world hit my employer, and they had to let a lot of people go during COVID and other global problems. I sank into a deep depression during the first two years due to a sudden loss of who I was. I called myself a workaholic without a job. Very distressing and difficult to come to terms with, but I eventually did. I now love the fact that I don't have to go to work each day. I get a lot of time to think and learn and grow emotionally. I hope that you find this sense of freedom more quickly than I did. I think you probably will, because you are more in control of your "retirement" than I was, and you already know what you want to do with your free time: More writing and painting. I had nothing. I just felt myself floating adrift in a sea of relaxation that I had no idea what to do with.

I am truly happy for you.