New member saying HI!

[nybell]

Thanks for the add, mods.  I found this forum while searching online for how to heal CPTSD on my own.  Background:

-60 years old, cis, straight, female. Scapegoat. 4th Gen American. 3rd Gen college graduate with post-grad too.
-Married with 1 internationally adopted, now adult, kid.
-Diagnoses: "functional" depression, anxiety, CPTSD, ASD, ADHD, Dyscalculia, Autoimmune Diseases (including: Celiac, Hashimoto's (Hypo), Vitiligo, Insulin Resistance, Alopecia, CFS, and more).
-I'm on permanent disability.
-Have had many careers, never could hold a job longer than a year or so, most less then 6 months. Longest careers were: Speech Pathologist, Actress, Restaurant work, Travel Agent.  Hated speech pathology most of all.
-I'm not shy, but people think I'm standoff-ish. I do have RBF. I have only 2-3 close friends.
-Have always loved the company of animals over humans, for which I have and am always ridiculed. I currently have 2 sweet cats and 1 sweet chiweenie dog. I used to volunteer with my local animal shelter, but after a couple of years I realized I had made zero friends and many of the other volunteers were very weird and mean, so I left.

-Parents separated/divorced when I was 8 (golden child bro was 5)
-Father - undiagnosed/untreated ADHD and I now suspect ASD - remarried when I was 11 to a stepmom with OCD/MDD. I have 2 half brothers (one is also undiagnosed ASD, the other is undiagnosed OCD but milder than his mother). Came from a loving family.
-Mother - was misdiagnosed as Bipolar back in the day, but really was BPD with narcissism. Her parents were NOT abusive - attachment issue arose due to illness of my grandmother when she was born - family had to raise her the first year, so she didn't get a lot of attention (again, though, no classic abuse).
-My abuse began as soon as my brother was born (I was 2 1/2 and I remember most things back to age 2). Never physical, always psycho-emotional.
-I begged my father for years to remove me from her custody. He always had excuses and so never helped me. He was verbally supportive over the years, but never any real action.
-All 3 parents are deceased. Thanks to all of them and my issues I have little to no contact with what was once a very large extended family full of cousins. Also, my in-laws all don't like me and I remain polite but distant with them, having long ago abandoned the idea of becoming actual friends with them (FIL and MIL are also deceased).
-I'm the ONLY person in the entire family who has had this much therapizing. Also the only one with this much damage and disease.

-I was married previously, to a sociopath who was scamming me for a green card. As soon as he got the card, the abuse ramped up til I had to call police to get him out.
-I ended up moving back in with my abusive mother for a few years. (Bad move in retrospect.)

Why I'm here:
-Have been in and out of traditional talk therapy since 1989. CBT. DBT.Lots and lots of "Parts Work" too.
-Current depression level is background hum - 2/10.
-Have been doing EMDR via Zoom (because I literally can't find an in-person therapist in my area who takes insurance), since May 2023.
-EMDR seemed to help for the first 5-6 months. Since late last Fall it has stopped working.
-Tried Neurofeedback a month or so ago and it was a horror show. Very dodgy practice and I'm not about to try that again.
-Decided to take a break from EMDR and therapy for now as there's no point in continuing what doesn't work.

I've decided to try healing myself, but need ideas, resources, and support to do that. In a few years I will be on Medicare and I know there are few to no therapists who will take Medicare, so I'm trying to NOT end up and old depressed person (like my dad). I feel like the depression gets slightly worse every year no matter what I do. I figure I have maybe 20-25 years left and would prefer to live them in peace at least.

I don't like how my life has turned out - mind you I'm grateful to some extent because it's not a bad life, it's just not what I would have chosen had I known about my CPTSD and ASD earlier in life (have only been diagnosed in the last few years).

Any and all help appreciated. Thank you and namastè.

[Papa Coco]

Nybell,

Welcome to this forum. 

I'm sorry to hear of all you've been through. Life has been such a struggle. But I'm happy that you found this forum to help you connect with people who understand your struggles and emotions. We all come from different backgrounds, but somehow we all ended up with a similar set of symptoms and reactions to life. Trauma.

You mentioned that any and all help is appreciated. While I don't really know how to help, I can openly share the things I've done that did and didn't work: I've done a lot of various things; CBT, DBT (Which I'm still doing because this one's actually helping me), IFS Parts work, EMDR, facilitated Ketamine Infusions, facilitated MDMA, hypnotherapy, spiritual energy work, dozens and dozens of good and not-so-good books, videos and documentaries, various medications for anxiety/depression since 1980... I find that some of these things work better than others. Some work at first, but don't continue to work for very long.

As of late, I've decided that, for me, any treatment I sign up for has to have a spiritual component mixed in with the science, or it absolutely doesn't move me forward even an inch. I've taken one online class so far with the author of one of my favorite books as of late, The Others Within Us, Dr. Robert Falconer. He helps me a lot because he believes the same thing; that having a spiritual component (Which is little more than just a sense of connection with something bigger than myself), is the key to turning a scientific treatment into a gifted healing.

For now, the MDMA, (Which I did only once in early July this year), Ketamine, (Which I do a few times a year if my depression dips too close to suicide), Books, the forum and my DBT therapist are working well for me, but, like you, this has been a long and complicated road to recovery. Oh! I'm also a recovering alcoholic from the years where I tried to hide from my pain through numbing myself into oblivion each night.

No matter what we find and decide to try, this forum remains a mainstay for me because having people who care about me, as I've found here, carries me through a lot of the daily pain of my mood-swing ups and downs.

I hope that the compassion and understanding that comes from the people in this community bring you some comfort also as you work with the ever-growing healing tools coming online in the world.  I've been in therapy since 1980, and the quality of care today in the world is far better than it was then. Granted it still has a ways to go, but at least there are people trying to help. That's a new thing for me. Being alone with this dysfunction was the hardest part. Having people to talk with, who readily understand what I'm saying and going through, definitely softens the sting of the loneliness that comes along with C-PTSD. My hope is that you feel this same friendship here. There are some truly wonderful people on this forum.

Looking forward to interacting some more in the future. Welcome!

[nybell]

Papa Coco - thank you for the warm welcome.

I agree treatment overall has gotten better over time. When I tell current therapists some of the things my first therapist said, they cringe visibly.

I'm happy to find this group because only a few people in my life acknowledge my issues -- even my spouse downplays, dismisses and gaslights me on issues that are not physical.

I am grateful that I don't suffer addiction issues (my spouse is in recovery, so I cut him a lot of slack because I see he's trying - 20+ years clean).

I hear what you're saying about spirituality. I was a Reiki healer for a time, too. That was honestly one of the happier times of my life, but it's not something I can return to.  Currently the only thing in my life that has always and continues to bring me joy is dance. I've studied many kinds over the years, and currently still do modern and tap. Even though each class kills the rest of that day with fatigue, the mental/emotional boost is great and makes the fatigue worth it.  To me, dance is a form of spiritual practice.

If you don't mind - direct me to a thread where you discussed your experience with MDMA - I'm interested in that.

Also - I actually have a good story from a recent reconnection with a cousin that was very affirming --which thread should I post that to?

I'm grateful to have found this forum and look forward to further interaction as well. Thanks again.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello and welcome.

I've found everyone here to be very supportive and helpful. I hope you do, too.

You asked where you might post a story about a recent reconnection that was affirming. We have a forum section on healing which has a section about successes. That could be a good place. Or we have a section about interactions with others, which might also be a good place. Maybe you could have a look around and then decide which place is best suited for your story.

[Papa Coco]

Nybell,

I was also once a Reiki Healer. And like you, it was a wonderful experience. I felt so connected to spirit while I was practicing. But, life got in the way, I got distracted, and I don't think I'll do that again.

To answer your question about my MDMA and Ketamine infusions. I just wrote up a report and posted it in the forum at the following location:  Treatment & Self Help > Treatment > General Discussion.

For telling me your story of your reconnection with a cousin, feel free to go to my Recovery Journal. I haven't posted there in a few weeks, but I check it regularly. PLease feel free to write as long and detail as you wish. I tend to be pretty long-winded, so I'm okay when others are as well.

I'm excited to hear your story. I may even choose to send a story or two back to you. I've had many, many, many unexplained connections happen in my life. For me, the supernatural is more real than the physical world. I mean, really. The stories that others tell only serve to validate that I'm not the only person experiencing connections beyond what the eye can see.

 

[nybell]

Thanks NarcKiddo - will do.

Papa Coco - I'll figure out where to post my affirmation story in the next few days.  Nothing supernatural about it. I have plenty of woo-woo stories, but that's not one of them. I believe that those of us who are survivors tend to be more intuitive. I stopped doing reiki for 2 reasons: 1) people kept asking me to massage them despite my explanations about how that's illegal; 2) my autoimmune stuff kicked into high gear, and I have a hard time keeping my own chakras open.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum nybell, it sounds like you've been through a lot. I hope to hear more about your experiences and your journeys throughout therapy, if you ever feel up to sharing.
Hope you can find some benefit from this forum.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Welcome Nybell,
I can relate to some of the things you say very much.
Like how life has turned out so far (not bad, but could be better) or how difficult it can be for others who have not been through this to appreciate what we're going through and trying different therapies (starting again tomorrow).
 
And I think you came to the right place because for me it's been incredibly supportive to be out here and be able to share and be understood. That's very helpful in itself. Beyond my expectations, I have to say. I hope being here will help you too.