Act 3 of Life - Hard Choices

[nybell]

Hi All,
I hope I am posting this in the correct thread. If not, mods let me know and/or move it thanks.

By way of review, I'm 62, CPTSD, ADHD, ASD, Depression, Anxiety, Autoimmune Diseases, on permanent disability/not working. I'm married, my spouse is 63. We live in Southern California. He wants to retire in 5 years, which it's unclear if that will be financially feasible, but for the sake of this discussion, let's assume it is. He's also a 12-Step program person, with close connections all over the US. He has built in friends wherever we go/wherever we have lived (NY, FL, VA, CA). Historically I have always had a hard time making and keeping friends. Gee, wonder why... (eyeroll emoji)

Unlike the majority of women in my family, I doubt I will live into my 90s. None of them had the trauma or physical issues I have. I figure I have maybe 20 years left, so I'm really into the last act of my personal play already.

I understand it's important to have COMMUNITY for successful aging and increased longevity.  When we moved to CA in 2014, I started building a community through jobs, interests, hobbies, etc. I was involved in charitable works, I took many dance classes, tried to connect with parents of my then-teenage kid.  I would say I had about 10 good friends, plus 3-4 more I considered close. Mostly age peers.  Over the last 5 years, and in part due to the pandemic and in part due to politics, I am down to one close friend and one ok friend. That's it. People ghosted me (or in a couple of cases I had to cut them out for toxicity).

Here in CA I also have a couple of cousins, who I didn't know growing up (trauma story for another day), but have reconnected with successfully in the last 2 years. They are all older than me (over 70), with health issues of their own. I see them a few times a year, and we chat on the phone monthly or so. We interact on social media too.

Back in VA, I still have about 8 very good friends, with 2 of them being very close, and a circle of co-friends with my husband that's about 20 people.  They are all either age peers or younger than us. I have learned from one of my close friend's mothers (here in CA, she just died at age 90) that it's important to have a fair amount of friends that are younger than you are, because they keep you going and doing things that people older than you may not be able or want to.

Another thing I've learned about aging: it's important to end up where you have access to good medical care. While a cabin in the woods is great, I learned from one of my older cousins that it's a bad idea - they ended up moving from a very isolated area to a very suburban area specifically because they had to drive 1-2 hours for regular medical care, longer for specialized care. In both CA and VA we have had access to excellent medical care. This is not a concern in my dilemma, just bringing it into the conversation as a consideration.

I love SoCal - mountains, beaches, great weather. We are able to stay active 12 months out of the year. I don't miss snow or ice at all. My S.A.D. also disappeared since we moved here. I like the area we live in - exurban and quiet. I have no intention of ever living somewhere more urban ever again(it depresses me), so suburbs are fine with me. BUT I have zero community. I volunteered at an animal shelter for 3 years and came away with zero friends. Many of the women I took dance classes with have disappeared and the ones that remain are not interested in making new friends (I have tried). I find that I'm lonely here and I've been depressed more than not, and in therapy the whole time.

I like VA and also MD - both pretty places, but the weather absolutely sucks. It's either 20 degrees and icy or 100 degrees and buggy. April and October are great, that's about it. And they're not good at dealing with winter storms - our old street NEVER got plowed (and we'd get 5 feet of snow at a clip!). I can take some dance classes there, but none are tailored for senior dancers like in CA. I like the suburbs all around DC, but traffic is actually worse than in SoCal, and it's expensive as most roads are toll roads. Of course there's lots of culture there, too. The whole time we lived there I had a few depressive episodes, triggered by external events, but nothing that made me go rushing back into therapy. For that decade there I was mostly happy EXCEPT when it was winter.

So my dilemma: again, setting finances aside, is it better to stay in CA where we can remain active all the time? Or better to return to the DC/MD/VA area (aka The DMV), where we can't be as active but we have more friends to do things with (albeit less active - more indoor/cultural)?

If I leave CA only my 2 close friends will miss me, and they can afford to visit me wherever if they want to. Our friends in The DMV beg us to move back every time we visit.

One more factor: our young adult kid is currently single, has no real plans to marry and is uncertain they will ever have kids. I have let them off the hook in that regard and told them it's up to them, no pressure from me to become a grandma whatsoever, especially in this society where mothers are treated so poorly. They currently live with us for financial reasons, but will be moving on in the next 1-2 years (which is good, they are very triggering to me).They will most likely remain in SoCal, as they like it here. Even when they've lived nearby, they are not close to us (mental health issues unrelated to mine - no joke) and we'd only see them a few times a year anyway (and we can afford to fly them to visit us if they want to, or visit them, although unlikely we'd be invited). Husband would prefer to stay in the same state, I say it doesn't matter.

None of this has to be resolved even in the next year - we have time. But thanks to my issues, these things rattle around in my head all the time and I get no relief.  BUT WHERE SHOULD WE SETTLE IN OUR DOTAGE? SOCAL OR DMV?

Thanks for reading and I look forward to all advice, especially from anyone who has recently made a similar decision.

[Kizzie]

What about checking out some retirement communities in SoCal? These typically have social events, sports, hobbies, etc and are a good place to meet new people.

[Papa Coco]

I don't know if any of my answer will relate to your situation, but in speaking only for myself, I have spent most of my life in a decision-making paralysis because of a battle that rages on round the clock between my head and my heart. I'm 64 and struggling with a smaller version of that same location question: Should I move, or should I stay here? I am nowhere near ready to make that decision. Too many pros and too many cons for each side of the decision.

Usually, I feel torn between what I want versus what I should want. By should, I mean, what other people have trained me to want.

For most of my entire life, my family used "Oh, you don't want that." to stop me from wanting anything. They laughed at me, and insulted me, any time I EVER talked about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Then on my 18th birthday, my dad, who had never allowed me to want anything all, not even a career, burst into my bedroom and woke me up yelling "You're 18 now! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?"

My point: My upbringing gave me massive anxiety around making choices. I was raised to want what I am told to want, and that what I truly want is too shameful to pursue. Like getting what I want is selfish, so I need to want what I'm supposed to want. Not what my heart truly wants. So when I need to choose anything from a meal in a restaurant, to a location to live, I become paralyzed and unable to decide.

The goal is to ask our hearts what they really want.  From what you wrote above, it sounded like you want to stay in SoCal, but you think you should move back to VA to see if you can fall back into the social life there. (I could be wrong. Only you can know what you want).

I have often heard people say that they moved back to where they had connections, and they later said "You can't go back home" meaning that when they got back to where they had once been, it was different. People were different. The ability to slip right back into their old social circles from years past didn't work out how they had imagined.

Talk with people who've tried going back home. Make a checklist of pros and cons. Try hard to let your heart tell you where it truly wants to be. Follow your heart any time you can. Your brain will clutter your mind with reasons and shoulds and maybes.  But what does your heart want?

[nybell]

@Kizzie - one of my cousins lives in a HUGE community like that. Unfortunately the communities with a lot of amenities are not in areas we want to be in, and we have never been "HOA people".

@PapaCoco - If I could wave a magic wand I'd have my east coast friends all relo or retire out to CA. I almost convinced one of them... but they had a change of heart (very valid). AS for "slipping back in" - that's not really the case. We are still very involved with these friends. One couple joined us on a vacation last year. My husband is also a musician/composer and he not only gigs when we visit, but he and his east coast friends create music via the interwebz.  He even recently went to a [different] city on a biz trip and frequented a restaurant owned by an old college friend of mine (who I haven't seen since 1984), mostly due to the connections I still have. In fact, I'd say that the ONE benefit of social media is the ability to stay in touch with people. Typically we visit in the spring and/or summer. Your words have given me the idea that I should plan a winter trip and see what happens. If I end up sitting in a hotel room with no socialization because no one wants to brave the weather, that would be important info to have.

I guess if I win the lottery, I could become bicoastal - winters in SoCal and everything else in DMV. I have a lot of life regrets and unfortunately, as much as I love CA, moving here is one of them. VA is the only place I'm still homesick for. I don't miss or have nostalgia for anywhere else I've lived.

Question for the group: As Papa Coco says - it would be great to hear from folks who've moved back to an origination point - how did it go? Regrets?

[Kizzie]

I can understand not wanting to live in a seniors community, but typically there are seniors oriented activities in most places, even smaller towns, where you could meet people. It seems like that's the main problem you want to solve  so perhaps connecting with seniors groups or really any hobby/sports/interest groups might do the trick. At least then you've given SoCal a chance and always have VA to fall back on.

Or you could do it the other way round -- go back to VA and see how it works out knowing you have SoCal on the back burner--because you don't quite know what you want and both are calling to you.

I don't think anyone's experiences will be of much real help given it's such an individual thing, but at the very least we can pass along some ideas of what you can try.