Intentionality

[lostwanderer]

I'm not sure if this is the place for this - sorry if it isn't.  I'd be glad to correct my mistake.

I am realizing more recently how important intentionality is for me.  I do wonder if others will relate but I also think I'm probably going to spend some time venting as well.

A little context: I've been living with my sib for a bit now - it's temporary but it's been longer than I anticipated.  We were pretty close growing up but then "life happened".  I know throughout the years I have made efforts for connection and more often than not it seems those efforts haven't been reciprocated.  I know I already have deep pain when it comes to connection so the lack of reciprocation definitely hasn't helped matters any with my sib. 

Recently I have been having EF connected to actions (or non-actions) from my sib and I think it might be related to intentionality.  My sib says that I'm valuable or that our relationship is important to them yet there doesn't seem to be much in the way of actions to back that up.  They'll say, let's connect and grab a drink yet blow me off without communication (unless I reach out) because they're spending time with another person or let's do lunch & I'll let you know but doesn't actually.  I sometimes feel like I'm being so picky when it comes to these things but it matters and it hurts to be continually let down. 

From my perspective, it seems that my sib just doesn't have the capacity for a relationship with me (yet is making LOADS of effort in the context of a new potential romantic relationship) and it's been pretty painful to be a fly on the wall.  I mentioned that if I didn't live under the same roof I'm not sure if we would even have a relationship and I know I'm not interested in a relationship based on convenience.  I want to KNOW that I matter, that the other person is making an effort to spend time not just we happen to be in the same space and it's dinner so let's eat together.  I wonder if I'm making a bigger deal out of this than needs to be.

Anyways, all that to say, with this coming up, I'm realizing how important intentionality is.  I don't need words, I need action.  I need follow through.  Don't tell me something and then not do it or not communicate that something has changed.  I don't think that what I'm asking for is too much.

I'd be curious to know if anyone else has felt or experienced similar feelings about intentionality.  Is this "normal" for CPTSD survivors? cuz sometimes I feel like I'm expecting too much or drawing really rigid lines in the sand for others to love me.

[rainydiary]

I resonate with what you are sharing.

I don't think it's too much to expect that people follow through on things they say are going to do or at least communicate that something has changed. 

I find relationships with others to still be a really big and hard thing to navigate even though I've experienced some healing and growth.

[lostwanderer]

Thank you, rainy, for responding and sharing some of your experience.  I totally relate about what you said about relationships being difficult to navigate mixed with having healing and growth too.  I have found plenty of times in my life where a relationship triggers me into a swirl and then I can start to question everything.  It's still so scary for me to be in relationship with people even though I enjoy connection and am also really good at it at times too. It's in those swirly moments where it's difficult for me to see any sort of healing or growth that I've made.  Thanks for that kind reminder.