New to Group

[Regardz]

Hi. I am new to this group although I think I joined a while ago but am not sure I ever posted. I think I got scared.

I was diagnosed many years ago with CPTSD (diagnosed myself and then finally found psychiatrist and neurologist who both confirmed my diagnosis).

I am 58 and have struggled my whole life. I don't ever remember not being scared and riddled with anxiety (at times paralyzing), paranoia, inability to moderate my emotions, etc.

The physical and emotional abuse and neglect from my parents started before I have memories. My oldest sibling has told me about one incident in which my mother beat me with something that left my back side black and blue when I was 3. My mother was by far the most abusive. Basically my parents had a third child because my dad was desperate for a son. I didn't turn out to be the charm that's supposed to come with the third try.

I've tried so many medications and types of therapy with little results and usually just a lot of bad side effects. I meditate and did quite a bit of reading about Buddhism until it became obvious I was using it to judge myself and convince myself further what a horrible person I am.

My first marriage was a disaster as i basically married a man who is a raging narcissist. I finally left back in 2009 and am now remarried and in a mostly very good relationship although it is hard on my spouse.

I quit work a little over a year ago. I feel like a failure around work even though I was a solid, productive and mostly well liked employee. But, I always seemed to somehow get taken advantage of and ended up with too much work and very little or no reward. My spouse said I tried too hard and made it too easy to be taken advantage of. I don't know if that's true. I'm wondering if other people on this forum deal with or dealt with a feeling of having to take on everything and work too hard to prove yourself. I felt frantic all the time. I also just couldn't handle people and would end up leaving a job after anywhere from a year to three years and then have to find another job. It left me feeling beaten down and like a failure.

Thank you for being here for people.

[Lakelynn]

Hello Regardz and Welcome 

I believe it's very common with those diagnosed with cPTSD to feel the need to constantly prove themselves. We want and need to overcome those inner voices that tell us we're less than others, or no good at all. In employment, it's quite easy to fall into doing more than anyone else, that raises red flags and almost seems to invite being used. I know it was true for me.

Congratulations on leaving a disastrous marriage and finding something better. Learning how to choose partners, even friends can be a problem. But we're here to learn, about ourselves to get on track, maybe for the first time, or maybe after an illness or traumatic event.

Thanks for posting and allowing us to know you. There are many resources here, and it takes a bit of time to poke around, read, learn and connect. I hope this is the beginning of a new part of your journey through life, with others that understand.

[Pangur]

Welcome Regardz, and I'm glad you felt able to post now.

I can relate to a great deal of the journey you describe and feel for you.  It's very hard when you've tried so many ways to deal with the trauma and don't feel that much progress has been made, or worse, that a modality has made things more difficult.  I spent many decades trying to fix what I saw as 'my' inherent flaws, not realising that the awful childhood I'd had was the cause of my suffering.  When I first tried inner child work in therapy, I wouldn't engage with her because there was so much shame and disgust.  At times of low mood, and severe 'flashbacks', it is easy for me to revert to black and white thinking and feel that I have made no progress at all, but in less challenging periods, I can see that this is not true and I can at last at least feel compassion for that poor child.

I'm glad that you have found a good enough relationship now - that's a huge step forward, not to repeat the patterns of engaging with narcissistic partners.  Still working on that one (although alone atm)!

Again, I can relate to the work situation too.  I have always taken on far too much in every job I've ever had and see it very much as yet another effect of trauma and low self-worth.  I left my last job in a co-operative social enterprise because I took on so much and worked so hard that I burned out. I saw how my overly responsible attitude allowed other people to step back and leave me to it, because they knew I would step up (or they just had a healthier approach to work/life balance!).

I've been going through a very bad episode lately, and have found Peter Walker's book 'Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving' really helpful - maybe worth a look? You are not a failure - that sounds like a voice from the past and your inner critic (Peter Walker has useful whole sections on shrinking the inner and outer critical voices).  I hope that you find the resources and support to help you through these difficult times and am glad you've made it to the boards. Sending you a big hug of solidarity 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Regardz! A lot of us are perfectionistic because either it helped us to avoid further abuse (by doing everything well), or because it was one way to get positive attention, or both. There's a saying I like that goes "If you can name it, you can tame it" and for CPTSD that means becoming aware of issues we have like perfectionism and challenging them. For example, you might ask yourself "Do I really need to work so hard and do so much or am I a great person just as I am?" That's what I started doing and still do because it's really ingrained.  But it's a good feeling to challenge those beliefs and look at who and what I am anew or at least that's what I've found.

Hope this is helpful.

[Regardz]

Thank you to all who responded.  It has been so helpful just to read the first replies.  I have read Peter Walker's book and it did help, but I am wondering if I need to pick it up again.    

[Chart]

Hello Regardz. I relate to so much of what you describe. I too have an older sibling who serves as my witness to what I went through because I was too young to remember any of it. Being beaten by your mother at age three just tears at my heart. I was/am an imperfect father but I held and loved all my children from the moment they were born. All children deserve that. My own physical and psychological abuse was greatly reduced when my mother left my biological father. But those four years of terror haunt me still, 55 years later and my life has been much of what you described. I only learned about Cptsd a little more than a year ago but I've been working like the dickens to get out of the cycle of uncontrollable flashbacks, self-abuse and depression. It's intensive learning and life just keeps on piling it on. Sometimes I meet it head-on and other times I turn and run like the wind. But I'm identifying progress which I think is incredibly important. Anyway, I'm rambling a bit. Sorry for your suffering, but glad you're with us.