Emotional numbness

[Miyagido]

Hello, I've been feeling emotionally numb now for a good few years maybe longer. I'm a few months out of an unhealthy 15 year relationship which I believe to have been emotionally abusive. I still feel numb, disconnected from myself and others, sometimes I feel intense pain, usually nothing. I am highly functional - to the outside world - I'm perfectly fine keeping up with a demanding job. I've been going to therapy for a few months now. I'm at a point where I'm questioning whether I'm making up my experience of the world - am I anhedonic and numb because I've convinced myself? Am I actually ok now - because the source of my stress is gone - so why am I still feeling dissociated? Or maybe I'm not dissociated, maybe this is just life? I'm just so confused about what's really happening to me. I've been tempted to quit therapy because 'im ok now, I'm probably only going to therapy for attention or something and should really give this space to someone else's. But then I feel so empty.

Sorry I've waffled a bit. But the bottom line is, the source of pain is gone, and I'm still not feeling anything, alive/connected etc. Am I making it up, because I can't remember what 'normal' feels like, maybe this is it?

[NarcKiddo]

Only you can decide what is best for you, but based on what you have said my initial reaction is that quitting therapy sounds like the last thing you should be doing right now.

A 15 year relationship is a long one. Plenty of time for trauma reactions to bed in and become "normal". Once they bed in they become a part of you. The outside source of your stress is gone but you are still left with a selection of unhealthy coping mechanisms that were vital at the time but are now unnecessary at best and possibly very unhelpful or even damaging.

A good therapist should be able to help you work through all of this and find your way back to health and ways of being that serve you well in the here an now.

For a long time I thought that once my mother passes away I will be free. Then I began to suspect that might not actually happen because I will still be me, reacting to all the triggers that are not my mother in the way I always have. I started therapy when I realised that and my T said it was a wise thing to do. Otherwise I might stand there when the great day of freedom dawns and find it all to make no difference whatsoever.

I am sorry you are struggling with dissociation and numbness and I hope you can find a way towards healing. I am glad the outside source of the problem is gone because that gives you a much better chance of working successfully on the inner problems that you have been left with.

[Chart]

Miyagido, I agree with NarcKiddo. Give the therapy some more time. I believe the emotions will eventually come and at that point it'll be important to have support. Very happy you have been able to break with a toxic relationship. Often this nonetheless leaves a big hole in our lives and we don't know what to do next. I broke with an emotionally absent and egotistical partner a year ago. My reaction afterwards was the complete opposite, I had a major flashback to my infancy and basically broke completely down. I managed to function for the sake of my kids but otherwise would have probably ended things there. My emotions were totally overwhelming. But these extremes go both ways and I believe you will slowly find the emotions that do start coming up very revealing and important. And further recovery and healing will follow.

[Lakelynn]

When I've been required to "hunker down" and endure emotional abuse or toxic relationships, regardless of the timeline, I also feel that same numbness. I believe it is a protective mechanism. You might have withdrawn into yourself, just to keep going. That's a common experience here.

Don't doubt your perceptions. Whatever you feel IS your reality. And just because your tormentor may be absent physically, that doesn't "end" the threat. I waited 7 years to feel again, and another 7 to believe life could be enjoyable, even happy.

Sticking with therapy, even when it appears nothing is happening, is a good plan. A lot of that time is spent just building trust. Life can be different and fulfilling. Don't give up.

[Miyagido]

Thank you all for your input and sharing your experiences they are really supportive and make a lot of sense. It sounds like it can take time, and although I'm no longer with my ex he is still my son's dad - so still kind of around but I engage with him as little as I can. I guess it took me many years to get into this state of numbness, so it may take me a while to get out of it - it just becomes harder to validate my own feelings when I'm not in it anymore and there is 'no reason' - though maybe this is an echo from my childhood emotional neglect.

Chart mentioned the extremes of emotion, a couple of months into therapy I had a week of intense emotions - some I just couldn't identify, they were overwhelming,some were even warm pleasant feelings, but it was all at once (like someone turned on the taps) and I couldn't manage the intensity or understand it - and I numbed out again. Sounds similar to your experience, nice to not feel alone in this experience.



 

[Chart]

You're not alone Miyagido.