Recovery notes... back after a long gap

[JamesG3]

Hi all. Couldn't log in as my old JamesG.1 self so here I am in a new hat.

Been a long time since I posted. Lots of things have been and gone which are worth relating from a C-PTSD owner's manual point of view.

Last time I was in here I was dealing with a period of depression. C-PTSD symptoms were lessening but were stubbornly hanging on in these pretty horrible dips. Usually I'm pretty good at rooting out causes and sources for these things but I was really struggling to focus on these enough to hunt them down. What was evident, was that I was not creating, and that was huge for me. I'm a writer, and I've hung on to that all the way through the trauma and post trauma years. It's kept me going, frankly. I feel it's pretty much the only thing I really brought out with me. But, lockdown, homelife and a full time job were just wiping out any chance I had of finishing my third book. The frustration was awful. Because the first two had done so well, I felt like I had this open goal, but life had tied my shoelaces together.

So... eventually, I decided to hunt out EMDR. I looked into getting this through the NHS, but waiting lists were just horrendous and when I did see someone, they decided I didn't merit it. In hindsight, I may have shot myself in the foot. I talked up my recovery,and didn't sell my ongoing C-PTSD. Result... no EMDR. Wasn't happy. Neither was my GP. My hypervigilance just wasn't going. It was making me utterly worn out and she could see I wasn't getting anywhere. In frustration, I went private. Not cheap. 150 quid a session but... wow. I had four sessions, only two of which were actual EMDR and the results were mindboggling. Rather than deal with the whole story, we talked about my issues with my darling sibling, a narcissistic bully, and once we'd found the earliest memories of that psychological abuse, away we went.

Weirdest thing... it triggred this whole cascade of reprosessing. Long embedded memories were lifted out, reappraised and then put to bed. I found myself thinking through my entire history in a line, changing these early events as I saw them again as an adult and then feeling the whole of my story shifting. One way of describing it is like something nudging the back of a long train, and then that wave of energy bumping all the way through til the engine. It mostly happened quite deep in the subconscious, so I'd wake up knowing it had been happening, but suddenly unable to know what it was I was remembering and processing. Another metaphor... it was like moving files from a computer onto an external hardrive, out of the active part of your PC to a storage area, from RAM memory to something less active. Often tho, I'd wake feeling like I'd been in a 12 hour chess game, my head just wiped out with the effort. I'd go into work like a zombie. I found it really hard being around people at home, REALLY hard.

Anyhooo... I didn't have the funds to do more than 4 sessions, but it seemed enough to trigger about four months of this before the effect seemed to catch up with the more recent horrors. It was then very clear to me how that vile psychological abuse I'd had since I was a tiny wee lad had shaped me. It was now very evident how dysfunctional and hands off my parents had been and how they'd let my brother run unchecked. At no point could I fix a moment where he'd been pulled up. I'd been running this lie to myself that they'd been overwhelmed by my brother as well but in truth, they'd missed every chance they'd had to prevent what came later. His ultimate abusive patterns started there. Once I'd got all that cleared in my head, I could see that the lack of intervention in this very sophisticated psycholgical abuse set a pattern for my life. Somehow, I thought I deserved this kind of treatment, that the reason I was a target came from me, an effect that is very common I think in sibling abuse.

Then came the next revelation. Our youngest here had just come back from college and after a very short period back in the nest, was exhibiting very obvious ADHD traits. Being hypervigilant, the effect of the sound and the jabbering nonsense in a very small house was tough, not gonna lie. But, we packed her off to a private chap to have her checked out. Well she aced that, and we had a diagnosis, right there. Then the penny dropped. The questions asked were uncomfortably accurate for me. Suddenly I could see that the positive and negative effects of having ADHD were exactly what I was bullied over. My cognitive abilities were and are, very mixed. My maths and problem solving can be poor to non existant, but my creative ability has always been way up there. I can paint, act, write, sing, make music... the whole thing, but I can't hold a date in my head for love nor money. My focus and concentration is diabolical, unless I enjoy doing something, it's like trying to thread a wet noodle through a needle. Penny after penny dropped. The more I observed her, the more obvious it got. I'd been ashamed, made to feel ashamed, bullied for traits I simply had no understanding of. School was a nightmare. Work was awful, I got good at avoidance tactics and I dodged the hard stuff. I negelcted my own needs to pacify others. I accepted abuse from countless narcs socially and professionally because it was normal for me.

I escaped my brother, I thought, and eventually made a pretty good life for myself, but then he came back in on the back of my mother's ill health and the pressure on me ramped up. As the pressure mounted, my ADHD traits re emerged. As life wanted more from me, I could do less. My head went to pieces. Amazingly, I held it together until finally, I walked away from them all, including my alcoholic partner and then... wham... C-PTSD.

The thing is, that the C-PTSD covered the ADHD. I was so certain that everything I was experiencing could be down to that. It gave a very wrong picture and muddied my recovery. Now that I can see the ADHD, I can see why I was so primed for such a severe reaction. I've read reports that say ADHD people are anything up to 9 times more likely to develop PTSD after trauma. Relational trauma over decades from everyone around you is especially tough on people who find personal management hard anyway. Attitudes of my generation to theses kinds of neurodiversity were shockingly bad... victim shaming, mockery, intolerance and condescension. Well I had all of that.

Well, that and the EMDR had a massive impact on me. I could now genuinly start showing myself compassion. I didn't crave the validation of my frankly negligent friends anymore. That all melted away. I just stopped fighting, I stopped hiding who I am.

So a massive jump...

But wait, there's more.

I'm no longer on meds of any kind, but I was still getting constant anxiety.. dear old hypervigilance, especially at home. Stress hormones just don't wanna go. Although I'd made major breakthroughs, I was still being triggered. I have grown totally used to it. So anyway, I'm not big on supplements, I've never liked the idea of pill popping a lot of frankly ineffectual woo woo plants and compounds. But... the whole lion's mane mushroom thing which is huge online right now came under my nose and eventually I just thought why not? I checked out reactions and side effects and could find nothing to indicate a risk and gave them a go.

Well, effects have been remarkable. Cortisol just left the building.

Maybe it's a placebo, maybe other factors explain it, but I have to say that the last of my symptoms just went away. Everything changed. Not one of the many anti-deppressants I've taken did me any good, and coming off them was just horrible. These just give a sense of normality that is quite unique. This is all over the counter stuff, harmless, benign health shop product with next to no interactions. Bizarre. I can't find anything online that says otherwise too, which is something. Try looking up an SSRI and it's nothing but horror stories. Mirtazapine made me so hungry, I ate my own bodyweight in bread every night. They certainly do something.

At any rate, these three things have seemingly changed everything for me. I do genuinly feel like I'm back into my own life again. Awful stuff happened, tragedies, crimes, abuses and just... stuff, but somehow they're just not there beside me when I wake anymore. I'm much easier to be around, less effected by others and a lot more in control of my emotions. I was just a different kid, for better or worse, and I was a sitting duck for what happened. I get it all now. Suddenly it's just a story. It's not brilliant, but it's not my future. My future is still out there. MY new book is about to launch, I'm starting to enjoy my relationship properly and well... it's just life. Other people hurt me, I don't have to do that to myself anymore.

It's my life again.

[Hope67]

Wow James, I am feeling so hopeful reading your updates here, and thank you for sharing your developments and the outcomes of those.  I am really happy that you have your life again, and wishing you success with your latest book. 
Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

What a wonderful post. So honest, sharing, informative and hopeful.

Thank you very much.

I wish you all the very best, with life, the book and everything.

 

[Blueberry]

Wow James!   That's great, I'm so happy for you! Thanks for updating us, and for the previous updates too which I mostly read, with interest, but I don't think I ever responded. It's really good to be able to read the success stories of mbrs who used to be on here regularly and struggling.

All the best as you go forward!
Blueberry

[Papa Coco]

Great to see you back on-line James,

It's always inspiring to witness the determination in those who keep searching for answers. You are exploring new ways to deal with past issues and it's working for you. I'm excited for you and hope that the positive changes continue to keep you upright and on the journey toward a better life.

I was doing some microdosing with mushrooms here, and while they were helping with my energy and focus, they were proving to be hard on my stomach, so I had to move on to other methods. But, like you, I'm open to new things, and they are often very helpful.

I hope you keep posting your progress. It's helpful to see what is working for others as I search the solutions for myself as well.

[Cascade]

Wow, James, welcome back here and welcome back to your life!  

All you wrote sounds amazing.  Thanks so much for sharing it with us.
   -Cascade

[BrightArrow]

Hi James, I know this is an old post but I just wanted to reach out as someone whose recent ADHD diagnosis helped make sense of the CPTSD in a new way. Som much of what you said resonates with me—my responses are much bigger because of the ADHD and the relational piece is so complicated because I feel judged/criticized and just "different" for the way I was (from early elementary school onward).  haven't heard of Lion's Mane mushroom and will give it a look.