How to feel about losing my dad?

[LeonLaviu]

Hey Dessert Flower

I come here from another response you did on a post of mine where you left the link to this post

Something that really spiked my attention are your fantasies about a double agent dad. I used to dream about my dad being in shady things, like the mafia or the goverment or things like that. In my dreams I would often find him and ask him "*? aren't you suppossed to be dead?" and then he explains he had to fake his death cause they were after him

My dad was a very secretive man when he was alive, so is normal to assume I would dream things like that. but a lot of years later what surprised me the most, was to realize that when he was in his dying bed a lot of letters from the bank were sent to our house, and my mom learned he was in very big debt, like unpayable debt. But he had ensurance and when he died the debt was paid.

Which made me think that my intuiton wasn't so bad, I mean if he haven't died, maybe he would had to fake his death or scape or something shady.

And also reinforce the idea that he actually wanted to die and was trapped in a dead end, financialy and with our family.

For me it was debastating, my dad was a complex man, he always supported my interest, but could get very violent at times. He had mystery around him. But it was my only ally in the family and when he died I became kind of an orphan inside my own family

I did the mourning several years later, when I was an adult. And some of the thingss that opened it up for me was when I did ayahuasca and he appeared and told me to let him go. It was intense I cried a lot. I still get watery eyes as I write it.

We are all different, I'm not a therapist, I don't know if you should or shouldn't mourn or feel something regarding your father's death. But I was a little older than you, 12, so I had a close relationship with him and it really affected me.

I just wanted to share the secret life fantasy with you. I hope you find an answer too

As I said on another post. Hypnosis is great to untap blocked memories or distant life experiences, maybe it could help you connect with your dad, or the moment he died. But I warn you. It could get very intense, there's probably a reason why you numbed it

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Leon for sharing that part of your story.
It's very strange how some of these things come about.

For me though, I would have to say, I do not have the feeling there really was anything fishy about my dad or his life. To me, he feels like a stable and sensitive presence that was suddenly taken from me. And the stories I made up were a way for me to somehow make sense of that because I just couldn't believe it.