Hello Everyone!! Glad to be here and hope to help and be helped

[LeonLaviu]

Hello

My Name is León.

During the pandemic, as I was locked up and living alone, I watched tons of Youtube videos of different topics (I'm curious about a lot of things) and that let me to videos about Narcissistic disorder. It was a rabbit hole.

First I realized that one of my most damaging relationship, that I couldn't get over even tho I had a lot of other relationships in between, even tho it was very short lived, almost inexistent, even if it happened like 8 years ago at that time, it was actually with a covert narcissist girl. She did all the things they talked about in the videos.

And I realized I wasn't pathetic for still thinking about her, and I wasn't dumb for falling for her. That's what narcissists do, it feels like a drug, a very addictive one. Then I realized that the beautiful parts of that relationship were a lie. It really was like a gift from heavens. I SAW THE TRUTH!!

But then I wondered how couldn't I see it in so much time. So the rabbit hole let me to videos about narcissistic families. And the family dynamics between siblings being rivals and distant, the roles of golden boy and scapegoat, the relationship between a narcissistic mother and a weak character father. It was exactly like my family.

For the first time I didn't feel like I was a bad son for being so distant to my mother, or for not loving her, and it was such a release. It wasn't my fault, my intuition was right all along. I wasn't guilty for feeling that way, it was a natural response

And even if it sounds weird I WAS SO HAPPY TO BE A VICTIM!! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!

I must admit after that I got a little paranoid about narcissists between the people I knew, close friends and relationships, I realized they didn't have the personality disorder (they weren't psychopaths) but some of them still had a lot of narcissistic traits.

I spoke to some of them that I loved and felt like I was being mistreated, not abused, but I felt like I was treated unkindly or like I was lesser than them. I tried to set boundaries and I lost some of them. It really hurt. and I realized I let people treat me like that cause of my low self esteem and lack of boundaries, but what hurt the most was to think that if I had been healthy and set boundaries from the beginning, maybe we haven't even been friends at all.

after that period I felt lighter. Before this realization I had been doing some emotional release exercise that were really helpful, so I kept doing that. I also took psycho analisis therapy a few years after, but for me it was a waste of time. But in general I felt better

Nowadays I had been feeling a lot of anxiety towards an artistic project I'm already in, I'm getting outside of my comfort zone being confronted to asking for help, working with others, I had some trauma regarding being humilliated in the past cause I didn't sing very well when I was younger.

I don't feel comfortable sharing my project with my circle of friends that are musicians, that shared a band with me when we were kids, and learn music together with me. I have some impostor syndrome going on. I'm still moving forward, but it becomes a burden to do it with such anxiety. And I feel very alone in this project so far. I have met some new people that help me, or give me advice. People that believe in me and support me, but they have their own things going on, so is more a moral support than anything else.

A week ago I stumbled upon youtube videos about toxic shame and felt very identified, then I realized it's all related to being a scapegoat from a narcissistic family. They recomend to see a lot of information about it, and also to find peers and people who had suffered the same. So that's why I'm here.

I would love to find some in person meetings, but I haven't found it on my country yet, I'm from Chile.

In the videos i've seen so far they recomend cognitive behavioral therapy as the best for this kind of trauma, So I asked a psychologist friend that does that, to recomend me some colleagues to treat. But he said that he'd been doing some EMDR lately and he thinks it's way better for trauma than CBT.

I trust him, so on monday I have my first session with a new EMDR therapist that my friend recomended.

And that's my story so far.

Thank you for letting me be part of this forum 

[Papa Coco]

Leon,

Welcome to the forum. Your intro is a wonderful story of becoming aware of what's really been happening around you. Learning about narcissists opened my eyes to see how they'd been mistreating me also. I really do resonate with your comment, "...And even if it sounds weird I WAS SO HAPPY TO BE A VICTIM!! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!..."

Becoming aware of the narcissism that surrounds us is very empowering. I was happy when I found out I was a victim, and it wasn't my fault also!

I will chime in with my own personal opinions about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy also: I had 6 CBT therapists before I finally came across my current, 7th therapist, who is a Dialectical Behavioral Therapist (DBT). ALL 6 CBTs failed me. Their philosophy is that you can change your core wiring by just behaving differently. In the 1980s they called themselves "Behavior Modification Therapists". I call them Dog Trainers. They talk to your head, while the true struggle is in your heart. I never had a CBT who understood how much it hurt to have been treated as my family's servant rather than their son. Most people with CPTSD suffer because they didn't feel loved when they needed to be loved the most as children. So we go to a CBT who doesn't give us any love either, they just talk about why we shouldn't feel how we feel, and they give us suggestions like to scream into a pillow. One told me to go out and become rude to strangers to see if I could get past my desire to always be nice. For me, CBTs were talking textbooks who cared more about their craft than they cared about me. One of them even told me "I work for money" and made sure I knew that I was his job, and that he didn't care about me once the paid hour-long session ended.

Those are only some of my horror stories of what CBTs did while I was in their care. In the end, I did what they said, nothing helped, but I eventually pretended I was cured so they could feel good about themselves, and I went home in as much pain as ever. When I look back I can see: I was a People-Pleaser. They weren't able to see that. So when I fell into my habit of being what they told me to be, they didn't realize I was people-pleasing them, and they believed they'd cured me. I believed they'd cured me too, until a few months had passed and I fell right back into my feeling of worthlessness and misery. Hmm, screaming into a pillow and being rude to strangers didn't help me feel loved after all.

A good trauma therapist is very different from a CBT. A good trauma therapist empathizes with how we feel, honors how we feel, helps us to feel that we are as lovable as anyone else is, and helps us blend our fractured parts back together.

I'm very glad you found this forum. I look forward to more interactions with you in the future.

Welcome.

[LeonLaviu]

Hey, Papa Coco.

such a shame you had so many bad experiences. I only had one experience with CBT regarding insomnia, it worked wonders. I guess it's supposed to work for more specific issues like that.

I don't know where are you from, but at least in my country, this toxic shame condition, feels rather new, so I don't know much where to find therapists specialized in this

The EMDR therapist I talked to, didn´t knew what it was either, but when I described it a little bit more he said "oh, so it's like C-PTSD" so that gave me hope.

Let's see who things go

wish you success

[dollyvee]

Hi Leon,

Welcome to the forum and I hope you find what you need here 

A lot of us come from NPD families and can probably relate to some of your experiences.

Sending you support,
dolly

[LeonLaviu]

Thanks Dolly

Glad to be here

[BrightArrow]

Welcome Léon! I'm so glad you are here and have been moving toward your own healing. I can really identify with your struggles with shame. I hope you find support and community here!!

[LeonLaviu]

Thank you Bright Arrow

You have a cool user name

[Hope67]

Welcome Leon,
Hope 

[LeonLaviu]

Thanks hope

I feel welcomed