CSA resurfacing

[DD]

I accepted that I had CSA in my, well, childhood. I still can't bring myself to say some words or even write them. About a year ago I came to accept this about my past. But then my mom died and it all came too overwhelming and I had to just focus on remaining functional for my kids, so I pushed it all down again. At that point I had also asked two of my friends and my therapist to help me handle this and they were all unable to do so. So I knew if I asked another person about this, I'd break if it goes even a little bit wrong.

Oh, I did tell my sister about this. She has same, from same person. And she pushed me to give consent to her to tell my siblings and father with whom my relationship is strained to say the least. I felt quite betrayed. So, anyway, I pushed all of this down to just get from day to another.

Lately I've felt pulled towards this topic through music, tv series, and then I listened to a talk in a conference about this and all the walls I had built crashed down. For the first day I felt like engaging in turn promiscuousness, self harm, etc and was just spiralling hard. I did manage not to do those things. of which I am very proud of myself.

But I do feel it coming up. It is rising to the surface probably because now I have so much more resources to handle it and am in a better situation.

But I don't know how to get started or how to protect myself as I go through this. Because when that part of me comes up, I feel myself like a 5 year old to whom A Very Big Bad Thing has happened. I can wrap myself in my weight blanket and cuddle my stuffed panther. And I am trying to find safe people whom I can discuss this with. I am also looking into finding a new therapist, but the last one avoided the topic like the plague and that does not give me much trust. So this is a kind of call for help. But I am unable to even know what help I would need.

Maybe just to be acknowledged, seen, to know I am not alone.

[Blueberry]

Hi DD,

I see you, I hear you.

I'm sorry people irl like your sister have let you down. It's not her decision if and when you tell anybody else, including other family mbrs.

OK, removed.

[DD]

They are kind of neither. But I have removed myself from their circle. I have this quite strong feeling I cannot ignore this anymore. That I have to face this. Has anyone felt this? If so, what did you do? Did something help?

[Armee]

You're not alone. Can we go thru it together? I also have stopped running from the Child stuff. I know I have a lot of resources and yet some of it is so hard and I don't know how to fix it.

[dollyvee]

Hi DD,

I'm sorry you're going through all of this right now and that you're sister wasn't respectful of your boundaries. I think it's also brave that you managed to get through the past little while without engaging in any of the activities that you mentioned.

I wonder if I have CSA that I'm not acknowledging and think that I'm fearful to explore it for the reasons you mention. So, I don't know if this is much, but that's great (for lack of a better word) that you're on that road and starting to explore this stuff. I'm also sorry if it feels so alone.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Desert Flower]

I have this quite strong feeling I cannot ignore this anymore.

I have the same feeling.

I think actually, that we get this feeling of not being able to ignore it anymore when we're stuck (again) and ready (finally) at the same time. We are resourced enough and strong and we can do this.

Can we go thru it together?

Yes, we can.

[Papa Coco]

I wish it could be ignored. I have tried and tried. I've many times believed I've succeeded at putting it behind me only to be retriggered again, and with the same wallop as with that first time I addressed it 40 years ago.

There's a fear that comes from it that I can't grasp. It's a type of abuse that fits in its own category. It lingers in ways no other abuse lingers. It's sharp, like a sword that cuts when I try to move.

I wish I knew how to heal from it. All I can offer is the friendship that nobody is alone with this pain. Here, many of us feel it. We don't need to explain it to each other. I may not ever be free from the fear and terror it raises in me, but I can feel comfort knowing that I'm no longer left to try and make sense of it alone.