Dysfunctional family dynamic - possible TWs?

[lostwanderer]

I'm not exactly sure where to put this but I know I need to vent & get this off my chest.  I have hesitated to do so because I don't want to break any forum rules by either sharing too much or creating a villain in another person.  I guess my hope in sharing is to find some validation that I'm not crazy - I might change my mind about what I'm hoping for later after I've typed out some stuff though.

Ok, so I've been on an emotional health journey for a LONG time.  There's a lot I feel like I could add here but I'm not so sure it's relevant right now.  Within the last few years, I learned another layer involving the inner child and parts work which led me to Pete Walker's Complex PTSD book.  It seems that diving into these new layers has been super emotional for me (& I was already a pretty sensitive person).  I have realized that what I experienced especially during my pre-cog and developmental years was traumatizing to little me (even saying that seems so strange because I was never hit).  This whole Complex PTSD thing is really new to me but basically the whole first chapter of Walker's book felt like he was explaining me in a nutshell. 

Anyways, that's a lot of build-up....

A little over a year ago I made a decision to take a break.  I had been let go from my job (that's a whole other traumatizing story on its own) and I had been studying to be an emotional health coach so I thought that I would take some time off to work on my business.  Nope.

This has been the most difficult, emotional time where it feels like I've just been living in an emotional flashback constantly and I barely come up for air.  Earlier this year, the landlord at the place I was living gave me 2 months notice so I decided that would be the perfect time to travel halfway across the country to clean out a storage unit (also a story for another time).  Since where I was headed was in a close vicinity to where my sibling lives I reached out and asked if I could come visit.  Originally my plan was that I would go to my storage unit, clean it out, go visit and then in a week or so drive back home across the country, find a new place to live, start subbing and continue to live my life/work on my business.  I've now been here 6 months.

When I first arrived at my sib's it felt welcoming.  There was connection and laughter - it was like healing balm to my traumatized little kiddo.  Since I was enjoying my time here I built up the courage to ask my sib if I could just stay longer (since I didn't need to be anywhere else).  I was prepared to pay rent and all that stuff but they refused.  In hindsight I wish we would have been more intentional about talking through some rules & expectations - we never did.  My sib's thoughts on it were: things are going so well we'll just talk about it as they come up.  Well..... things have come up and fast-forward 6 months later and we're both uncomfortable living here, I basically have no relationship with my nieces and nephews and my sib is asking me to move out.  I have a lot of feelings about it.

The sad part is that I have explicitly told my sib during numerous conversations that I have a fear that if I share vulnerably especially, about things that hurt me, then I will be kicked out (it has happened more times than I'd like to admit).  I know that one of my tendencies is to show up fawning, I'm not really sure how to communicate this; I basically drop everything and just do/fill in the gaps and stuff.  I was checking in on my nieces and nephews asking if they wanted to do stuff or help them with their homework, help them clean their rooms, do the dishes and buy more groceries to replenish the things I was eating.  When my sib would walk in the room where I was on their lunch break and make a comment, I would immediately stop what I was doing to engage in conversation.  To me, my motivation in all of that was because I wanted to connect with my family knowing that my time here was going to be limited.

All the while my sib is just living their life now like I don't even exist.  Leaving the house with no communication to go get groceries or go to the gym.  When the kids were here (my sib has them 1 week on, 1 week off), they would make decisions sporatically (or not) to take the kiddos to the park and not communicate with me/give me a heads up and even stopped inviting me.  I'd find that everyone had gathered to play video games upstairs and no one communicated to me about it.  It was like I was invisible, like I wasn't wanted here.  I know that I have woundings in this area so I took over-responsbility for this and now it feels like I'm being scapegoated.  All the while my sib has been like "I value you and our relationship" "you matter to me" and blah, blah, blah.  YET their actions don't align with what they're saying, to me anyway.

I get that my sib has a busy life but just because I have been living under your roof doesn't mean that a relationship comes built-in and there's no work or intention to be done.  When I have more recently brought some of these things up because, I believe, I have rightfully been hurt by these careless actions (AND my sib has even admitted to causing hurt by their actions), my sib's responses recently have been "I'm just not sure I can meet your needs".  I am confused as h*** by everything and in one way have no idea how it got this bad all the while thinking it's all my fault.  I want to talk it out but I'm afraid to because I'm afraid that what I share will be used against me. 

It's clear to me that we are NOT understanding each other in the slightest!  And that my sib had no idea what it would be like to say yes to my ask.  They have never lived with roommates - they hopped from dad's house to married to now divorced.  Meanwhile, I have lived with many roommates and I know how important it is to establish "rules".  I look back now and realize that my offer to pay rent was a way for me to have some autonomy here and kick myself for not holding more firmly to that in the beginning.  Instead, I am continually confused as to whether I'm family or I'm a guest and it seems to fluctuate depending on what is convenient for my sib at the time... like they are unwilling to take responsibility.

To add to the confusion, they have done their own work in this realm and so every once in a while it seems like we're speaking the same language.  More and more recently it feels like we're not at all anymore though.  I take responsibility for my part: my flashbacks and what comes with those and maybe this is an assumption but it seems that triggers my sib into their own flashback and then we're in this trigger dance but the blame is being put all on me.  They're even putting words in my mouth that it seems "this environment isn't helpful for you" and that I need to start doing certain things to "prove" I don't remember but it's like, I'm sorry, who said that you should make my decisions for me?!  But again, if I call that out then my sib will put a pause on the conversation and then disappear without reinstating and I'm just left in the dark.  It's been a baffling, painful, and heartbreaking experience.  It certainly doesn't add to some beliefs that I have learned throughout my life like I'm just too much, I ruin all my relationships, that I have to do all the work to make a relationship work, etc.

I'm just lost.  And it feels pretty hopeless.

I could share more but I think I'll stop.

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this.

[Chart]

Oh boy, I am so sorry you're struggling with all that LW. There's a lot going on. But so much is critically important. It seems a replay (though maybe gentler) of your family experience.
I relate to many things. I'm fawn too, but I'm a loner. I think you have expectations and hopes that perhaps this new "family" can't or won't fulfill. Their "reasons" are actually secondary (in my opinion). What is primary is the "why" for you. Your expectations are X, but is this balanced and clear for you, especially regarding your past trauma. Maybe I'm not being clear...
I know that analyzing others is a slippery slope. Any chance you could find a good therapist around there?
Anyway I hear your struggle and send support.