Getting Lost

[Moose7]

Hello everyone. I am a 30 year old female who has Complex PTSD, DID, and OCD (whoo-hoo). My CPTSD is from several things growing up but the most impactful was the abuse from my mother who was a sociopath (by her own admission) and a malignant narcissist who also had DID.

I am on here because once I did more identity work and tried leaving codependency behind, I found that relationships are incredibly triggering. It was easier when I just catered to others and rolled with the punches; sometimes not even noticing them. These days I am constantly going back and forth between thinking I'm too paranoid and need to stop reassurance seeking versus upset at someone and wanting to be direct. I feel like the most sensitive person in the world sometimes while simultaneously feeling like I'm justified in how I feel sometimes--which is new. I almost miss codependency because it was safer and I liked who I was as a person more (when I could convince myself that I was being 'loving' instead of just trying to survive). My therapist is wonderful and has been very helpful yet I'm realizing that so many people I talk to just don't get trauma. I'm sure you all know what it is to walk that line between oversharing and being untrue to yourself. I panic no matter what I do socially; I am afraid of being seen as "attention-seeking" and "dramatic" so I often just try not to "bother anyone."

You know what's stupid though? I'm a mental health therapist for victims of trauma. But 'a la dissociation,' I often can't retain any of what I know. I also can't heal myself so there's that. I'm great at insight just like my clients are but it's the social stuff and internal confusion that cripples me. So you may as well forget I even said I'm a therapist because I still need to hear the same things everyone else does.

Anyway, I'm tired of living in a vacuum. I don't tell my colleagues or my clients (of course) about my struggles. I don't say much to people I may meet elsewhere because they can't grasp what I'm taking about even with the best of intentions and honestly, it's not their job to see me. But man, I just feel super alone. I constantly feel like I am cycling between mature adulthood and absolute insanity.

Cool forum, dudes. Peace out.

[dollyvee]

Hi Moose7,

Weelcome to the forum and thank you for sharing.

I hear you and also find relationships incredibly triggering, so prefer just to go it alone. I also get what you're saying about other people not really getting it and how it's not their job to see you. Unfortunately, I mix these two things with dating and then it goes back into triggering territory.

I've learned a lot about myself in four years on this forum in addition to therapy and I hope you find what you need here.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Moose    Cool name

I find relationships of any kind difficult and triggering as well. Tons of my posts here on the forum reflect that.

I don't have DID, but I'm somewhere along the dissociative spectrum, probably OSDD according to therapists who are a little uncertain still themselves. So I hear you on those difficulties too. Also on the 'internal confusion'.

It's a good place here, this forum. We get it! It doesn't matter how outlandish I consider some reaction or problem of mine to be - there's always at least one person on the forum who resonates.

Hope to see you around the forum when you're ready.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to the forum Moose, I hope you find the support and understanding here helpful. Rest assured you are not the only therapist on here as CPTSD is just that difficult to manage.   

[Papa Coco]

Hi Moose,

Welcome to the forum. Your introductory post is very well written. I get a sense of who you are in only a few words.

You said so many things I can resonate with. So let me start by saying, this forum is the first place I've ever had where people DO understand my struggles. We all have different back stories, but somehow, we all ended up here, sharing in the same set of life-struggles in various degrees. We understand each other.

You talked about how you are a trauma survivor and a trauma therapist. My therapist is also a trauma survivor, and it gives he and I a powerful connection. I trust that he knows what I'm going through, and he easily understands, not from book learning, but from personal experience, what I'm feeling.  I'm also a recovering alcoholic who found recovery through a set of addiction councilors who were also recovering alcoholics. I was able to trust them because I knew that they knew what I was going through.  So, in my opinion, when a trauma survivor helps another trauma survivor, the potential for trust is far greater than when a trauma survivor works with a book-taught therapist who only knows what they know because they read in a book.

I also resonated with your fears of relationships and of being seen as "attention-seeking." Oh my gosh, you could have been writing about me in that post.

This morning in my morning quiet time I called myself a fly in a world of spiders. I like having friends. I'm an incredibly social person, who makes friends quickly, but as soon as that friendship becomes serious, I feel like I'm trapped in someone's web, and I start trying to wiggle free from it. It's not about them, it's about me. IT's about having been raised by narcissists who drew close to me when they were grooming me to do something for them. I used to say "My family would give me a piece of candy and somehow I'd owe them a steak dinner in return." I grew up in the Catholic church, who also expected more from me than they were ever willing to give back in return. So...I find myself afraid of people who are kind to me. I find myself feeling like a fly in their web.

Then, when you said that you sometimes want to go back to being codependent, because that was more familiar to you, you resonated to my feelings that I often want to go back to being comfortably uncomfortable with "the devil I know" (or so it is often called).

I am glad you found this forum. Like Dollyvee said, I too have learned a lot about myself in the 2 years I've been on the forum. I learn about myself when I can share myself with others who want to share themselves in return. We're stronger together.

Welcome to the forum. I look forward to more interactions with you. 

[Moose7]

Papa Coco, Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. I'm sorry it took me this long to get back on here and see it. Interestingly, this forum dropped out of my head for a couple of months and I imagine that has something to do with vulnerability. It felt reassuring to hear how you could identify with much of what I said. "A fly in a world of spiders" is such an accurate portrayal of the struggle to me; especially since I have arachnophobia lol. I am Eastern Orthodox but grew up Protestant--the lack of nuance and some of the language used (like "die to self") are considerably triggering. Bringing up mental health in these circles has been a bit like pulling teeth.

I truly appreciate your thoughtful reply.

P.S. I want to reply to the others on here too. Do I just put a follow up post at the bottom of this one or is "quote" the only way to reply?

[Kizzie]

Moose, you can just start off with the person's name if you are replying directly to them.  No need to include the whole of the quote as members know to look back in the thread.  Of course you can quote certain parts if you want to talk about them specifically.

[Chart]

So you may as well forget I even said I'm a therapist because I still need to hear the same things everyone else does.

Um... I'm trying to find the right words to express my incredibly profound appreciation of what you just said, Moose7... It's like you've encapsulated the very heart and soul of what good honest therapy really is... we're all the same, the therapist needs healing, help and understanding just as much as the patient. I wish more therapists had this "esprit de vivre".

Anyway, I'm tired of living in a vacuum. I don't tell my colleagues or my clients (of course) about my struggles. I don't say much to people I may meet elsewhere because they can't grasp what I'm taking about even with the best of intentions and honestly, it's not their job to see me. But man, I just feel super alone. I constantly feel like I am cycling between mature adulthood and absolute insanity.

That's another fantastic way to put it. Yeah it's really like that. But I've decided to tell everything and talk to all. Yeah I often get cow-stares, but most of the time people perk right up. And I can't tell you how many times people have begun questioning me at great length regarding Cptsd. Half the time they mention a family member with a serious problem that nobody can figure out. Sadly we end on the subject of the absence of trauma therapists...

I also wanted to comment on codependency. I remember lying in bed next to my asperger/avoidant ex-girlfriend and it's right there that I lose ANY nostalgia I might have had for the emotional void we called a relationship. Love truly is a two-way street and I firmly believe that my healing will naturally bring a healthy counter-part into my life. But I've got a lot of work still to do, so I doubt that's any time soon.
Okay gotta stop, the inner-critic guilt of having talked too much about myself is getting beyond my tolerance point.

Thank you for your story Moose7 and am very happy you found the forum.