Triggered by exercise / sports

[Blueberry]

I've copied this over from the Exercise Support Thread, since I don't want to derail that thread.

This is a good idea Chart!

I have a lot of triggering around taking exercise...

Maybe the existence of this thread will help me do a little more and/or a little more often.

Thanks Blueberry! Yeah the idea is really to explore, encourage and support.

...

Maybe it's difficult to talk about but what is triggering about exercise for you? No pressure to discuss but I'd wager you're not alone.

...

I get triggered by doing sports, exercise, especially the "must / have to" part of it, but that's not all.

The word "exercise" or phrases like "take exercise" trigger me. "Movement" is much better for me, non-triggering.

There's other stuff too, I just don't have the wherewithal to write it down rn. But I wanted to start this thread before the current Exercise Support Thread is locked and no.2 started.

This thread is open to anybody who gets triggered by sports and exercise.

[Dalloway]

I hope this fits with the idea of this thread. I am extremely triggered by the idea of jogging. I used to go jogging regularly before Covid, but I can´t do it anymore and even the idea of starting again makes me feel uncomfortable. The main reason for me is that during jogging I experience extreme loneliness -- maybe because of the silence of the nature and the fact that there are really only a few people in that area I used to jog in -- which correlates with the loneliness I´m experiencing from within. So these two amplify each other which has become too unbearable for me, so I stopped this kind of exercise. 

[rainydiary]

I resonate with this even though it is hard to put into words.

There are certain types of movement like walking that don't stress/trigger me whereas running makes me feel so much pressure I will often skip it.

I love swimming and also swimming is full of trauma for me because my parents insisted I swim competitively and my dad in particular was abusive about how I was or was not performing.  It was awful. 

[Chart]

Another insidious element of developmental trauma... when something beneficial actually triggers a negative response...

[Blueberry]

Another insidious element of developmental trauma... when something beneficial actually triggers a negative response...

Yup. There are probably lots of other beneficial activities that trigger a negative or shall we say even trauma response in me, like saying 'No', standing up for myself etc.

Anyway, further details on what has caused exercise to be such a trigger for me, see below.

Copied off my mbr Journal from May 2024, actually refering to singing,(Those not on mbr Journals ought to be able to read the quote but not follow the link back to it).:

I was ridiculed a lot by FOO (especially M and B1) for the way I moved, my facial expressions, ... the way I stood, my whole body. So I tried my best as a child not to be seen, not to exist, not to move, keep as still as possible and that's really hard to move out of. Of course I have made progress, probably even great progress, but it's still difficult sometimes. Of course I know that my singing teacher is not FOO. She's not going to ridicule me, she has no reason to do that, she doesn't get anything out of that, that's not what good teachers do. But when I'm even a little triggered, it's hard to completely access that information for all parts of me. I'll just notice that I feel more self-conscious than usual rather than remembering all the ridicule.

On top of all that - like as if the ridicule wasn't enough - there was also really early CSA that involved 'just looks' as well as touching, so that's an additional reason to keep my body stiff, unmoving, invisible which also equals a big internal reason why it's so difficult, so exhausting to go up against that, and why it has taken so long of course. ...

(As a pre-teen child)...got more and more self-conscious... - my very physical existence being a shameful embarrassment for FOO.

Singing is a type of exercise and there's all this self-conscious stuff going on, which I'm pretty sure is going on with sports as well. I'm less conscious of it than I was as a child, teen, young adult, but if I delve deeper and try and notice what I'm feeling in my body (somatic response?) whether during general exercise or singing, I might well notice that my body is one large area of self-consciousness. It's obvious to me that I don't want to feel into any of that.

All that ridicule in my childhood and on up is just insidious. It was labeled as 'humour' by FOO and I didn't even know that all of it was a form of abuse until told so in a trauma therapy programme. I have lots of different trauma responses depending on situation but the basic one is probably freeze. Movement is difficult during freeze. All the more reason to work on getting out of freeze of course, but that doesn't mean I do so...  I know that the really early CSA makes me want to try and shrink into myself, actually so does the idea of being ridiculed about most aspects of my body.

I do know that singing reverberates in your body, gets your cells moving sort of thing, and I suppose that any form of sport does too, but if you're like me and don't really want to feel that, then exercise might feel triggering.

I also know that up until my first complete collapse in my early 30's I approached even cycling, which I did enjoy in my way, as a form of self-reduction - as in: 'Every time I turn the pedals I'm turning a bit of fat into muscle or I'm getting rid of a bit of fat.' I didn't even realise at the time or until much later I think how warped and emotionally unhealthy that was. It's not a way to enjoy the sport or the ride itself of course.

Another problem I've had with sport or any form of exercise is ignorance on the part of those teaching or championing it. Not knowing about armouring, telling me to keep going despite pain, e.g. in yoga with sun salutations and pain in one hand being told it'll strengthen with time but it just got worse and worse over the years. Same with most exercises that involve my arms - I've been hearing for decades that I need to strengthen my arms, but nobody knows how to suggest I do so. I suppose by now my frustration tolerance is very low. So I don't even start. For those championing it, read 'B1', FOO's secret top-dog, even when he was still a child.

Anyway, this all sounds like a big rant, maybe I'll re-read it soon and actually find a solution or two to my own problems. 

I hope this fits with the idea of this thread. I am extremely triggered by the idea of jogging. I used to go jogging regularly before Covid, but I can´t do it anymore and even the idea of starting again makes me feel uncomfortable. The main reason for me is that during jogging I experience extreme loneliness -- maybe because of the silence of the nature and the fact that there are really only a few people in that area I used to jog in -- which correlates with the loneliness I´m experiencing from within. So these two amplify each other which has become too unbearable for me, so I stopped this kind of exercise. 

Yes, absolutely, that fits. This is an open thread for mbrs to explore what's behind their 'allergy' to exercise.

[Chart]

Hey Blueberry, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. But it sounds also that you have a firm understanding of mechanics and the sources. Which means you're aware and can use thought-stopping more effectively (does that work with singing?)

I'm not triggered by exercise but I hate the "pain". I have a very low tolerance to physical discomfort. I believe it's because I have to much constant emotional pain. I'm rather a seeker of pleasure to offset that. I've not done any cycling since July. Too much going on. But all through August I did my Guillarme abdominal training as well as PMR (Progressive Muscle Relaxation). Also Cardiac Coherence several times a day (did it just now). I've been very good about all that only skipping a very few times through the month. I'm convinced ALL these techniques are incredibly helpful for healing. They are not difficult to do and take up about half an hour per day. So I'm happy and proud of that.

[Bach]

I've been hoping for years to teach myself to enjoy physical activity. At times, I've gotten into a rhythm with regular physical exercise and appreciated the benefits, but I've never been able to keep it up for longer than a few months at a time before something derailed me, and I've never enjoyed it. I like swimming pools because I like being in water, but I don't swim properly, and I can somewhat enjoy walking especially if I have company, but mostly physical exercise is a dispiriting chore. I guess I'm starting to realise that there are a lot of things I have to live with and do my best at but must stop expecting to change my feelings about.

[Blueberry]

Today I realised that M used to send me to do sports like going for a walk or a run as a form of punishment. I hear her angry voice in my head telling me to 'just go away' and do one or the other. So reparenting my Inners would include taking some or all for a walk w/o being angry. In fact, trying to be inclusive to all who want to come and at least neutral if not managing to enjoy. Just having that in my mind brings up so many old memories, that on the surface don't seem so bad, but deeper down I don't want to fall into them. I might feel how it felt to be me at oh anywhere from 12yo to early 30's plus/minus. Huge sigh. Feeling emotionally or physically.

Recently I have been aware of keeping going e.g. movement in a pool or natural body of water without feeling joy but deciding that feeling neutral about it and at least NOT feeling discomfort or something 'bad' apart from maybe slight boredom was reason enough to keep going till I maybe felt something like pleasure or joy. Leaving that possibility open.

Feeling emotionally could be anything from feeling left out of my own FOO or in team sports at school or around the neighbourhood. Yeah, no wonder I don't want to go there. In fact just 3 days ago I wrote Singing is a type of exercise and there's all this self-conscious stuff going on, which I'm pretty sure is going on with sports as well. I'm less conscious of it than I was as a child, teen, young adult, but if I delve deeper and try and notice what I'm feeling in my body (somatic response?) whether during general exercise or singing, I might well notice that my body is one large area of self-consciousness. It's obvious to me that I don't want to feel into any of that on this very thread.


So solution could be to create Inner Safe Spaces where Parts can enjoy physical activity of whatever sort they like AND for Adult me of Today to carefully explore and look for memories where I was either really happy and content on my own enjoying movement - that is often swimming in natural bodies of water - or when enjoying movement in groups - that has often been folk-dancing or movement to music in 'safe spaces' like inpatient clinics or weekend retreats.

I'm sorry you understand this too Bach. Enjoyment is often difficult for me. I like being in water too and may swim a few strokes but also just enjoy moving my body however in the water, like dancing underwater or something. Or just treading water when ocean waves or boat waves are coming in.

Whether sports or not, I seem to be at some crucial stage where I'm struggling internally about giving up or trying for growth, personal improvement or whatever you want to call it.

[Blueberry]

Hey Blueberry, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. But it sounds also that you have a firm understanding of mechanics and the sources. Which means you're aware and can use thought-stopping more effectively (does that work with singing?)

UBM
I am? I can? News to me.

Cognitively I understand a lot or I come to understand with time but it seems to me it's very hard for me to move from that to taking actual steps to heal/reverse damage or whatever.

I'm not triggered by exercise but I hate the "pain". I have a very low tolerance to physical discomfort. I believe it's because I have to much constant emotional pain. I'm rather a seeker of pleasure to offset that.

It's weird, I put up with physical pain for years - through my childhood and teens and into my 20's. I often had pain and that's just the way it was. Sport mostly caused pain. Shoes caused pain. Boots e.g. hiking boots caused pain. Shoes and boots are back to causing pain again. But I'm no longer into putting up with pain. I don't seek pleasure, I seek inactivity and sleep. I know that's not healthy, but it's what it is.

But all through August I did my Guillarme abdominal training as well as PMR (Progressive Muscle Relaxation). Also Cardiac Coherence several times a day (did it just now). I've been very good about all that only skipping a very few times through the month. I'm convinced ALL these techniques are incredibly helpful for healing. They are not difficult to do and take up about half an hour per day. So I'm happy and proud of that.

  
That's something to be proud of
There were times in the past when I was very good about that kind of thing, but I've lost that part of me.

[Blueberry]

At least for me and maybe for others on this thread, there is some useful information in here https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13086.msg97519#msg97519
It really is more about movement than sports, but I think in my case often the movement has priority over sport. It's hard to write that because I don't think that's how society views it. Shame comes to my mind. But I'm leaving it up.
_______________________

I resonate with this even though it is hard to put into words.

There are certain types of movement like walking that don't stress/trigger me whereas running makes me feel so much pressure I will often skip it.

I love swimming and also swimming is full of trauma for me because my parents insisted I swim competitively and my dad in particular was abusive about how I was or was not performing.  It was awful. 

Thanks for adding your experience to this thread, rainy. I'm sorry your parents made you swim competitively and then your F was abusive about it. Way to encourage your children in sports, not. But it's nice you still love swimming in spite of all that    

[Papa Coco]

Blueberry,

I resonate with you wholeheartedly. The word exercise and the word sports. Both words trigger me terribly. The only word I can use that feels positive to me is Work. I can work hard, but I can't exercise. I was praised for working hard. I was laughed at when I exercised.

Sports only functioned as a place for me to be ridiculed. My dad had me working as a lumberjack from ages 9 to 15. We'd cut trees up in the forests, chop them into firewood, carry them to the truck, and sell them a cord at a time. I was a strong and durable young boy, but when it came to sports, I was uncoordinated and dissociated. My self-esteem was so badly damaged that I dissociated during sports. The more I dissociated, the more I dropped the ball or ran the wrong direction, and the more I screwed up, the more they laughed at me. The more they laughed at me, the more I dropped the ball. It was a slippery slope with no bottom.

I'm 64 now and still won't go anywhere near anyplace associated with exercise, gyms, ball fields... The trigger is still too fresh.

For exercise I have to be alone where no one can see me. I ride my bike alone. I kayak alone. I have a small gym in my house where I can lift alone. People say I should join a gym and I tell them that Gyms are germ-infested nightmares that I want nothing to do with. The truth is I just don't want anyone laughing at me for how much I can or can't lift or how long I can go on an exercise bike. If anyone even looks at me, I assume they're judging me.

I can work hard. But according to the people who raised me, exercise is selfish, and sports are a place of failure and ridicule.

[dollyvee]

I feel like I should be triggered by sports, and maybe I am, but I'm not ackowledging it on some level because I keep doing them. Maybe I'm a masochist.

TW -


My sf was one of these roided up 80s guys that is probably the stereotype of an 80s bodybuilder you would see in the gym. My gf was also a bodybuilder. Around the age of 8/9, my sf decided that my m and I were "fat" (well, his own insecurities here), and that we should be running 4k on the track, three times a week, rain, snow or shine. My m didn't say anything, and was complicit or reinforced this by calling me chubby and Ms. Piggy from an early age. Again, I'm sure all her own insecurities, handed down from my gm and gf.

End TW -

So, I'm sure I carried a lot of this blaming myself and why I can't just look a certain way. Perhaps playing sports was about that, but growing up it was also about being with friends and teamwork. Maybe I could feel the benefits and that's why I keep doing it, but I also know the things Papa Coco talks about. Because of genetics, I carry all my fat around my middle and not somewhere expected for a woman. I guess you could say the fun places. Having to deal with mycotoxins has also meant that my body was/is holding onto fat, even though I am working out (lifting and cardio) about 4x a week with my calories (and protein) in the right sort of place.

For exercise I have to be alone where no one can see me. I ride my bike alone. I kayak alone. I have a small gym in my house where I can lift alone. People say I should join a gym and I tell them that Gyms are germ-infested nightmares that I want nothing to do with. The truth is I just don't want anyone laughing at me for how much I can or can't lift or how long I can go on an exercise bike. If anyone even looks at me, I assume they're judging me.

One instance I remember is doing overhead presses in a shorter top and having my belly hang out a bit, and watch some girl smirk while she and her superfit boyfriend worked out. Another was a woman flashing her abs at me, and no, I don't think this is just me being insecure about my own body and imagining these things though it does probably trigger some things in me. People like this actually exist (as per Joey Swole's account too) and as the world becomes more social media/ influencer oriented, I think there's a lot of pressure to look a certain way. I always try to be kind to the people who don't seem at home in the gym, but I also don't think it's often a two way street (edit: meaning I think sometimes peoples' insecurities get the better of them and perhaps it's not received well; or people are so wrapped up in their own insecurities that it's not welcomed is what I was trying to say). However, I often think screw those people, I have a right to be there too (edit: in reference to the people who want to judge you a certain way for looking the way you do).

I'm also learning there's something to be said about "team" sports like tennis as you get older where you are regularly playing with, and interacting with other people. I didn't have that growing up to a certain degree, or it wasn't intrinsically supported. I didn't see the benefits of playing with groups of people as I got older because I think it brought out a lot of my relational trauma, and doing the solitary sports on my own felt good. The last thing I wanted too was to face people who would/could bully me again, or where I would feel those feelings.

I guess in some way I'm still living out my earlier self's dynamics of, I'll show them. I guess there are times when I could step back from situations in the gym  (roided up guys still exist), but something in me doesn't want to step back. I don't really have an answer, I guess some people are triggered by exercise in different ways.

[Dalloway]

I didn't see the benefits of playing with groups of people as I got older because I think it brought out a lot of my relational trauma, and doing the solitary sports on my own felt good. The last thing I wanted too was to face people who would/could bully me again, or where I would feel those feelings.

Dollyvee, this part of your post reminded me of something related to team sports that triggers me extremely lately. In high school, I used to play volleyball and I really liked it, but there was no capacity in the school for separate trainings for beginners and advanced players, so everyone was going to one training together, which led to some kids taking over the training and the rest of us becoming the benchwarmers. It was uncomfortable for me and it triggered my feelings of inferiority and clumsiness and not being good enough.

Nowadays, I don´t have the opportunity to play, so I was really happy and excited when I found out that there´s a group of people from my high school who play in their free time (they are adults now). So I went there a couple of months ago and I was really glad I got to play volley again but it was extremely triggering and painful at the same time cause all the feelings came back. The feelings of inferiority (pretty much everyone in this recent team is semi-professional), fear of being criticized or attacked for ruining their game, and the anxiety caused by the fact that I didn´t really know anyone there and all the other people were chit-chatting and laughing and having a good time and I was just standing there silently -- it was horrible. So I weighed the possibility of going back, but every time I think about it, all the feelings come back and I´m extremely anxious again.

I realize that these are old triggers and patterns, because none of the things I was thinking about during this recent training actually happened, everyone was nice to me, but I can´t cope with the fear and anxiety this situation creates.

[dollyvee]

I hope you do get to go back and play volleyball Dalloway. We should be able to be a part of fun things. I felt the need to preform recently and worried that I was dragging the game down as the other players were much better than me, and had been playing a lot since childhood. High school sports are tricky because they are competitive. I hope the people in your league are playing for fun and enjoyment though I'm sure competitive players are out there. It isn't so serious with the people I'm playing with though I guess it does feel that way at times with me. Writing this out, I'm seeing that I can discern which players I would enjoy playing against and can look out for.

I guess I'm finding the voice in my head that is saying it's ok for me to be there and to not know things as I've never done them before. How can I be expected to preform well when I haven't played, or perhaps in your case, haven't played for years? When the men did correct me, I tried to set a boundary and tell them why I was doing something a certain way (and I did feel justified in that), but I guess it's also ok for me to say, I don't want feedback at this time. I definitely noticed that when I was playing against someone who wasn't particularly open (not friendly and quite macho), part of me froze and did shut down perhaps (because he was a good player - but then what is good? Is he a national champion? What's stopping me from being good?). I think it probably shut down because I was in a place to be critisized and that just felt so familiar (especially from that type of person).

So, I took all this data in and went home and started watching videos about how to hold a racquet, how to return etc etc, and trying new things out the next time I played. I also saw that the people I was playing against weren't perfect. They had serves that didn't hit, they missed shots too and in just the same way I did.

I don't have any answers, just trying to feel it out and see that I do like playing. However, I'm sure if I had to join a league or do something other than casually drop in once in a while, I think would be a different story and I would feel a lot more anxious.

[Dalloway]

I agree with you, Dollyvee, and it´s sad that CPTSD oftentimes excludes us from fun things. And it´s very tricky, because sometimes I don´t know if it´s the triggered anxious me talking or those things really happen to me and it´s the instincts, for example when feeling that I´m dragging down the team and some players are mad at me. Does that really happen the way I see it or do the players see it differently? And even when they´re really pissed, because they wanted to win, do they really see me absolutely worthless as a human being, just because I missed the ball or something? But the biggest part of the problem -- for me -- is definitely the distorted way of seeing myself as someone who is inferior and clumsy and the fear of being in the center of negative attention and feeling the shame of being, well, me. It´s hard to work with all these challenging feelings and thoughts. 

But it´s great that you found a way to cope with your insecurities through the inner conversation you mentioned, that the other players are also human and that they´re not perfect. Also, it´s good that you are able to set boundaries.