New Member (Possible Trigger Warning)

[ohsnap113]

Hello!

I'm grateful to have found this group. I'm a 30 year old man who suffers from CPTSD. Raised as an only child by a highly codependent single mother, I had minimal but regular interactions with my father growing up, seeing him every other weekend. He abused me twice--once physical and once sexual. Other than that he had a monster temper, and would always get in my face for as long as I can remember. I've never feared anyone more in my life.

I have a lot of anger toward my mother that I'm trying to work through. From the age of 6 until my early adulthood years we'd get in screaming matches. She could shower me with praise and then emotionally abandon me with contempt in a split second. It didn't matter what I did right or wrong, her mood would dictate her feelings toward me, and in turn how I would feel. I learned it was my fault if she was upset. I was her surrogate husband, and began to mimic her codependent tendencies. I'd do anything to not be alone including bathing with her as a middle schooler, sleeping in the same bed as her until I turned 16, and chasing after her begging for forgiveness when she'd run to her room sobbing, despite not knowing what I did wrong.

My first therapist at 16 astutely pointed out the emotional abuse I was enduring; I became enraged, spiteful, and rebellious. My mom abruptly ripped me from therapy when I was 17, and I've been on my journey of self-knowledge ever since. Trusting others is difficult. I experience profound self-hatred and abandon myself in my most desperate moments. I'm angry that my childhood was robbed from me by adult children that were supposed to protect me. I'll never have kids. The rest of my life is dedicated to healing and not passing this damage along.

[Papa Coco]

Ohsnap113

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for the telling introduction. I believe you have every right to be angry at your mother. You will probably find that pretty much everyone here will agree with you that you have that right. As you work through it, do it at your own pace. If it takes 30 more years, then that's what it takes. You have every right to feel what you feel. In fact, I'm angry at her right now too.

The people here on the forum have a lot of various backstories, but in the end, trauma seems to bring us all to the same place, and we are quick to resonate with each other. You won't need to explain your feelings here, we all get it.

I'm sorry to read all that you've been through, but glad you found this forum to find connection with others who came here to find the same connections.

Welcome, and I look forward to more interactions with you.

[ohsnap113]

Thank you for this kind reply and welcome. It means more than you know.