Hello

[inescapably_aware]

Hello 

I'm 27 F and hoping to find some healing by connecting with the OOTS community, it's hard to find people to talk to about this stuff. There always seems to be a cost, whether it's money or the relationship itself. 

I recently overshared, I don't think it was a trauma dump  just an honest answer about how I've been with some ex-colleagues. A little too honest for polite company and a few too many drinks which definitely didn't help. The toxic shame lingered for days afterwards, triggering nightmares, emotional flashbacks and dissociation that I'm just coming out of 4 days later.

I'll try to be brief but here's my little super villain origin story;
 
Childhood was scary. I experienced sexual abuse by an older brother but he was also a child when it happened, idk how many times/ over how long. My parents' relationship was volatile, screaming matches and thrown objects was not uncommon. Dad wasn't around much, spent his time between work and the pub mostly, but he was the "punisher" often at my mum's request, I was "smacked" but never beaten. They divorced when I was 9, it was messy. Mum was desperate to find a new man, and she found a few bad ones along the way. I moved in with my dad when I was 15 and didn't speak to her for at least 5 years, and only have a surface level relationship with her now.

The first week I moved into a new place with my dad, I was attacked and raped by a stranger in a field in the middle of the day. I was out throwing a boomerang around with my little brother, he was 13. I was diagnosed with PTSD at 16 y/o and went into counselling. The counsellor questioned my lack of memory about my childhood and I wasn't ready to go into the stuff that happened with my brother so I stopped going and started self medicating instead. I got a Psychology degree to try and understand myself and threw myself into "climbing the ladder" at work which ended in burnout as I was a people pleaser who couldn't say no or set healthy boundaries.

Currently; I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in, but I'm very dependent on him and that really scares me. My symptoms have got worse since I've been with him and although I think this means I feel safe enough with him that all this is coming up, I feel like he's finding it really hard to be around me as he doesn't know what to do. I've recently quit my job after burnout. I'm trying to prioritize my mental health and find part-time work but I'm struggling to do that. I'm currently on the waiting list to start therapy, one more month apparently! I'm ready to start unpacking and processing my childhood, I want to help my inner child feel safe, reduce flashbacks and dysregulation. I want to reduce the dissociation so I feel present and in control of my life. I want to know who I am and turn up for myself, protect myself and build my own life not just be a passenger princess in someone else's. I've always been surviving, felt alone, been stuck in the past and haven't had the chance to plan for the future. I have so much shame, self-hatred, fear and anger. I know that healing is a long rollercoaster but I'm hopeful, right now anyway.

Recovery and healing; As a teenager, I used all the unhealthy coping mechanisms, I put myself in dangerous situations and have been traumatized and abused over and over again. I used drugs and alcohol and tried the prescription meds (anti-depressants, sleeping pills, beta-blockers). I've been in toxic relationships and isolated myself. I've done EMDR to reprocess the rape, I found that helpful but as it focus' on one trauma, it showed me that I have a lot more work to do, which is a hard pill to swallow. 

I've read a few self-help books; The Myth of Normal, Gabor Mate; Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Pete Walker; The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel Van-Der Kolk. I've done yoga and self- defence classes in the past but I've never done this consistently enough to see benefits.

I'm trying to stay productive, eat healthy, go to the gym, pack in as much self-care and healing work as possible. I think I know what I need to do, but putting that into practice is difficult. I'm aware that I need to accept this is going to be my life long journey and keep fighting, one step at a time. Hopefully this community will help me accept that with a little less romanticised melancholy.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome.

It sounds like you are doing good work on healing, but as you are discovering, CPTSD is the gift that just keeps on giving! There is hope, I think, but it does take time and there can be setbacks along the way, plus days when you kid yourself that you have made no progress whatsoever.

I'm glad you are in a good relationship, and glad you should reach the top of the therapy waiting list soon. And glad you found us, too.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS inescapably_aware.  I echo what Narc Kiddo posted and also wanted to add just how self-aware and reflective you are, not to mention knowledgeable about CPTSD and relational trauma. You're way ahead at your age than a lot of us here having only learned about what we are suffering from in middle age or as seniors. So much more is becoming know about relational trauma and it's impact on survivors nowadays and that bodes well in terms of more effective treatments and more trained therapists. 

It is good to be here where you can share much more than with people who don't know much if anything about what we're dealing with - such a relief! 

Glad you found us and I hope you find being here helpful.

[Blueberry]

Welcome inescapably_aware

[inescapably_aware]

Thank you all for the warm welcome! 

[SenseOrgan]

inescapably_aware

Welcome here!

As bumpy and long as this journey likely is going to be, you have a lot going for you. I know people in their sixties and seventies who have nowhere near the insight you have in yourself.

I recognize your fighting spirit. It's incredibly valuable to have. It tells me that you do know you deserve a good life and are worth fighting for that. In my life, the difficulties remained, but I traveled lighter after a shift happened towards a greater acceptance that all of it IS the journey.

I hope you find support and recognition here.

[Papa Coco]

Inescapably Aware,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to read about what you've been through. I'm glad you found this forum though. It's a good forum. There are a lot of really wonderful, caring people here who already know the ins and outs of CPTSD, so we don't need to worry that we say things others won't understand.

I hope this forum brings you some peace and connection. I look forward to future interactions.

Welcome.