Father

[Sunshineandwarmth]

I've realized that people often only sympathize when they see physical struggle. Yesterday, I experienced this firsthand. I was at college and started bleeding through my mouth and stool due to stress. When I called my father for help, he cursed at me, swore, and told me not to disturb him and to stay at college. Despite feeling heartbroken, I stayed and gave my presentation. When he came home, he went on a trip with friends, even though my mother was also sick. He accused me of being disrespectful, despite my only request being that I was unwell. His anger and the way he spoke to me made me fear for my safety. I realized that if he could react so violently over something as minor as me being sick, he might hurt me or my mother. I feel so alone and terrified, not knowing if I should test his limits or how far he might go before I decide to leave. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just accepting mistreatment because of his gaslighting. I don't want to be wrong about his potential for violence. I'm deeply scared and feel like I have nowhere to turn.
I can't cry, ever since he told me if I ever cried, he'd give me a reason to cry over. All this grief has occupied and consumed me whole. There is this lump in my throat that's choking me, it never goes away

[lostwanderer]

S&W, I have no words but my heart aches hearing of this experience.  That sounds awful and painful and confusing and scary

[Kizzie]

Personally I would listen to my gut as ignoring how you feel may end up being dangerous for you. Typically at colleges there are counselors who can likely give you some guidance to figure this all out. It might open up options for you you don't even know are available such as subsidized housing and education if you were to choose to leave for example. They may tell you how to report your F for coercive control (see https://psychcentral.com/health/coercive-control) which is what it sounds like he is using with you.

Whatever you choose to do please be safe 

[Dante]

For what it's worth, I can relate to a couple of things in your post. 

First, it is so true that people only understand the physical part of the struggle.  I present as a reasonably functional adult; I have a family, I have a job.  I am lucky and I know it.  I also struggle with crippling anxiety, panic attacks, emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, and existential loneliness (even though I have a family, I feel completely alone in the universe).  No one sees that and I get no credit for the days when getting out of bed is all I can do.  I've heard others have problems with vets who take issue with C-PTSD because "how can you have PTSD when you never got shot at).

Second, I had a similar experience at college.  Panic attack in the middle of the night (thought I was having a heart attack), and called my parents.  Back then, I still thought they gave a hoot about me.  My father answered the phone, asked me why I was bothering him in the middle of the night and (my recollection, but it's a bit hazy because I dissociate pretty bad most of the time) hung up on me.

And I get the lump as well.  I've had it for a few years now.  I thought there was something wrong like cancer, but it's "just" a form of armoring.  Makes it hard to swallow sometimes.

I did see the college therapist for awhile.  And it was helpful.  I'm not sure there's a point to my sharing except to say I hear you and can relate to some of what you wrote, and Kizzie has some really good advice.

[Chart]

Sunshineandwarmth, I'm so sorry to read what you are experiencing. It seems your father is very uncaring. It seems to me that you are being abused and not getting the care and support you need and deserve. Realize that you are facing something extremely difficult for you. Your stress and anxiety are "normal" reactions to your situation. I agree with Kizzie's advice. Can you try to find someone at school or elsewhere you can talk to and ask for help?
Sending support.

[Lakelynn]

dear sunshineandwarmth,

please, please, please reach out to someone you trust at your college. With increased awareness of safety issues, both at school and at home, someone will hear you and guide you to a resource. You deserve more than you are currently getting.