Why is it Different for Me?

[Phoebes]

This may be common with CPTSD as it's a relational issue. I feel like the messages I receive about "improving" my life are things like "reach out to people," "be vulnerable," "know you're worthy," etc.

But when I DO what I feel is being more open, vulnerable, interactive, I am not received in a way that matches my intentions. Like, it feels like people think I'm weird, inappropriate, annoying...or at least that's how it feels. It feels like their response is like a record scratch...then I have to talk myself down from there like "I don't KNOW that's what they think, even though they don't respond, or have a weird microexpression, or weird vibe.."

Then further have to tell myself well, I know what my intentions were, and if they don't respond or misunderstand me, that's on them. It's not a reason to feel shame. But then, it feels bad, and I regret having tried or having been open or vulnerable.

This is a big reason why I don't try as much anymore. It feels really crappy to try to do the things other people seem to do with ease, and then feel like something is "wrong."

I guess it makes sense, and probably points to the essence of relational trauma. If I'm relating it back to the abuse, any and I do mean every time I authentically expressed myself, even just in being excited about something or sharing something I liked or wanted to do, it was met with negativity, sometimes extreme, really mean lashing back comments and even physical abuse at times. I think it's why I struggle she freely share, be creative and feel so much shame when I do show care or emotion and am met with weird vibes. It's not enough to just know I'm worthy intellectually. It feels like just a meme.

[Kizzie]

Personally I don't reach out to non-survivors as it's a bit of a shock for them to hear about my N abuse or they simply don't get it and often makes things awkward. They just don't know quite to say and then I think they feel they will have to take care of us if they become friends. It's different than when our abusers put us down for being excited, creative or whatever. They needed/wanted to exercise control over us and keep us down. 

You can do all those things here though and members will support you.  For example, Narc Kiddo just let us see a picture of a raven she did which was well received.  And there's are quite a few who share poetry with us and other drawings and music they like. 

So I guess what I'm saying is here is a good place to practice feeling excited, creative, etc because OOTS is all about support. Then maybe once you've gotten comfortable here you can try it out in real life with others (but maybe take a bit of time to get to know them to ensure they are safe people to share things with). 

Just my thoughts of course but hope they help to some extent.

[Phoebes]

I understand, Kizzie. But I wasn't even talking about this..it's like I offer support after a death in the family, or I compliment an achievement...things like that...and I feel like there is often recoil or awkwardness after. I know a lot of it is probably my CPTSD and warped perceptions, but it doesn't make it easier..

[NarcKiddo]

I think there are a lot of issues here, and I have experienced similar feelings.

If you are hyper vigilant you will observe every single reaction even if you are not deliberately trying to do so. If the person you are interacting with is in any way distracted or surprised or whatever they will be giving off signals that may put you off.

The person you are interacting with may give off physical signals that in some way resemble those given off by your abusers. Even just mannerisms that trigger reactions in you. And of course you can't go up and say "Hey, I suffer from CPTSD so I don't normally approach you but I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss." They probably also sense your unease because it is really hard to go out of our comfort zone. Then they are on the back foot. Then you sense that.


The person you are interacting with may have known you for a while and may be shocked by an unexpected behaviour from you.

It's a difficult cycle. I've been working on it by being more open with people I hardly know. I will compliment a girl in the gym locker room. If it does not go down well or I feel bad after it then I think "well, they don't know me so it really doesn't matter". Whereas if it were a friend or colleague I might then cringe at the thought of how to handle the relationship ongoing. Most of the time you will get good or neutral reactions from strangers and that will build up your resilience.

[Phoebes]

I can feel that, narc..I used to get upset by passing people on the sidewalk who I would say hello to and they would completely ignore me as if this person speaking to them did not exist..not even a tiny movement in their eye even..I don't expect it anymore and I don't give my energy when someone is looking straight forward with no friendliness..that helps. If they look at me and smile or speak, then great, I return the gesture.

That said, I think one issue of my CPTSD is that growing up, I was expected to "smile" at all times. Even if I was just abused moments before or talked down to harshly in the car, when I emerged to others, the "act" had to be put on. I got lots of compliments for how bubbly and cheery I always was. I'm not saying I ever felt that way, I just got used to always being friendly, polite and cheerful. I can't even tell you how many times I've been told to smile by creepy older men, even though I thought that's what I am doing.

 I understand not everyone came from that. Not everyone is happy, and some people have always been allowed to act how they feel. Good for them, really.

The current issues, I think I have an issue because the two people in question always come across as uber Christian, uber churchy and upstanding. So to receive a comment of support and just ignore it, it's saying something, it feels like.

And to take it a step further, I've always suspected my mom has reached out to friends and spread her smear campaign. I thought for a while I was just being paranoid, but then found out from a couple of people it was the case. So I wonder if it made it to them, and they believed it. 

[Kizzie]

A lot of us are hypervigilant as NK wrote and typically we (survivors) don't imagine smear campaigns and such, but they are real and so why wouldn't we be hyperaware of rejection, invalidation, being made fun of or smeared when that is what happened to us? All of those things hurt so much I know. 

[Phoebes]

  

[Maria S]

I just wanted to thank you for giving words to that. I did that forever. And for the same reason.

It got a lot better for me. Though I am still insecure.

It helped me a lot to find a few safe places and people that were very unjudgemental. And helped me practice. And took me as I am. Even with all my weirdnesses.

I feel best around people who are neurodiverse (eg adhd) or different than average (eg bipolar, ptsd). They often make more room for others to be different too. Which leaves room to show the real me. Without frowns and rolling eyes over not fitting strict ideas  of being "normal".

[Phoebes]

That's great, Mathilde..good idea to open up to only understanding people, if I knew where to look! Haha. I mainly only talk about any of this on here with you guys!

I guess I make progress and feel like I'm past this kind of stuff, and then I have set backs and get triggered.

[Maria S]

There's peer support places here...that really helped me.

I recognise the latter too. I think: I've overcome this. And then I am triggered and all overwhelmed. And think: This never gets better!