Hello

[mibae]

Hello,

so usually I dont but to make a difference I will try introducing myself.

I'm 31 already, since very early on I gradually shut off all feelings and every sense of "me" in order to achieve a life I could live.

Being 17 I allowed myself to fall in love for the first time. Allowing that made me quit highschool because I was not able to get up in the mornings anymore. I tried my hardest to live but the emotions made it unbearable so I quit on those too. I married, grew a family and a carrer. We are married for 11 years, the kids are 10 and 8 years old.

Recently, last june, my coworker died. The one who gave his all and now he is gone. The one who always had a smile for everyone despite everything being intensely stressfull. The one person that made me want to smile back not because of obligation but just because it felt so easy and nice. I was a bit shy about it tho, we rode the same train to work and he said we were a team now. I was starting to consider us to possibly be able to become friends while he already called us a team.

Riding that train alone now is very difficult for me but I try to remember the smiles and what he thought me. The connections he made with the people we work with, I honor them. He introduced me to most of them since I helped him out when I first started that job. He always had something nice to say about everyone. I felt myself wanting to be like that, he made me want to be a better person. And he made me want to be friends, I never wanted that. So I thought, we had time. But turns out we had none.

That was the beginning of my healing journey. With my feelings spilled all over the place and not able to contain them I worked myself almost into burnout, slept alone upstairs and talked to no one.

Then I tried to reach out to people online. I even developed some kind of friend crush on someone who I still talk to but he is emotionally unavailable. When I was trying to fit the spot with him, trying to be someone who he needs, I had a mad emotional flashback. He stayed with me through it, I did not know what it was but with my mom and my stepfathers family I suffered domestic violence for emotional flashbacks I couldnt control. In my marriage I was being left alone when I was being "too much" again. Which is a bad trigger for me. So with my friend-crush friend it was different, he talked me through it and suggested I might have a personality disorder. He was being very kind about it. And he was right. Learning about cptsd, especially the emotional flashbacks made me understand that I am not too much or broken and that getting abandoned is not what will inhabitaly happen.

Reading Pete Walker made me even understand the emotional bond I formed with my friend, even one sided, it helped me through so much and I cant wait to learn more about how to heal and how you guys are doing. I want to someday be able to help others heal too, to make them feel what my coworkers smiles made me feel. I feel like I have so much to give, I never could give because I needed to hold onto it in isolation.

I dont want to run away anymore and I dont want to be alone anymore. Thats me, so hello.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum, mibae. It is incredible how the knowledge of CPTSD can change our lives for the better. I'm glad you were able to find it, and find us.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Mibae, 

Welcome to the OOTS forum! 

This has been a very supportive place for me as I've been on my own healing journey. Lots of good people here.

Welcome

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

I am sorry for your loss.

I am glad your friend-crush has been able to help you and has shown you that somebody can be a good friend while still maintaining the boundaries that they need.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Mibae. The lovely thing about being part of this community is that you are part of the community. Just like you, most of us don't want to be alone anymore. We all get CPTSD and do our best to be respectful, tolerant, validating and supportive.