A newbie checking in

[Hypervigilant]

Hiya I struggle to write and then it flows so much I struggle to stop.
Neglect was from birth, often left alone for hours in my pram or older my room, I was an anxious child and wet the bed around 4 so was locked in the coal bunker all day. I either had lots of chores or nothing and stuck in my room.I Brought up both my younger siblings and ran the house as mother was Bipolar. School was luxury that only happened after the truancy officer visited so there's huge gaps in my education.
Social services intervened when I was around 12 and I went into care but was returned home after a year. My Dad was weak and wouldn't stand up to mother and Social said I would just have to modify my behaviour as She wouldn't change.
I recently got my paperwork and the abuse was so much more, withholding food, burning of hands and feet just to name a couple.
I'm working through it all with with the added bonus of having no sense of self. I do yoga to try to connect with my body and hypnosis to try and ease my mind. I have never considered a way out as there is no self to destroy but I do get so tired of it all.
My self care is not great and boundaries are not either. All I can do is keep moving forward. I have not been diagnosed as waiting lists are so long Dr's don't even pop me on them. I tried meds but they made me worse. When I worked I paid for private therapy when in crisis. Tapping, emdr, hypnosis and talking therapies but i work very little now. I read any book I can and I'm currently looking up Erik Erikson on child development. I feel understanding the complexities helps me understand my behaviours.
There's so much more but it's a start.

[Papa Coco]

Hypervigilant,

Welcome to the OOTS forum and community. Your introduction tells a big story of struggle and survival. I'm so sorry to hear of all you've been through, but very glad you were able to find and join this forum.

I hope that your interactions here with the wonderful people on this forum will help you find a sense of belonging. The people here really care about each other.

I look forward to reading more and interacting with you more in coming days and weeks. I hope this forum brings you a sense of belonging and validation that you deserve to feel from good, compassionate people.

[Kizzie]

Hello Hypervigilant and a warm welcome to OOTS.  I am so very sorry for what you went through and that you cannot access therapy. I hope being here and reading through our material and talking with other survivors on the forum will help you on your road to recovery. We do talk a lot about self-care and boundaries here so hopefully it will get you some ideas/incentive to try a few things out. 

    

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum, Hypervigilant. I'm sorry to hear about that awful unfair treatment you received as a child.

I either had lots of chores or nothing and stuck in my room.

Your words tug at my heart but I especially relate to this one, often feeling like I was born just to be a working slave to my parents. I hope the therapy access situation will improve for you soon.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Hypervigilant]

Thankyou. Yes I did too. It's followed me throughout life that I'm only worth what I do rather than who I am.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome to OOTS. I didn't see your first post at the time but I am really sorry to read of the dreadful treatment you suffered. I am horrified that Social Services said you would just have to modify your own behaviour because she would not change.

I wish you all the best and hope you find solace and support here at OOTS.