Please don't forget me

[blueteddy]

Today, I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and so, so scared. It feels like my entire story could disappear, and no one would even care. I keep thinking that if something happened to me, people would regret not helping, but by then it would be too late. And that fear—that I could die without anyone really knowing or understanding what I've been through—it haunts me every single day. It's like I'm fighting so hard just to be seen, just to make sure my pain isn't forgotten, but the world keeps ignoring me.

Lately, the comments from people on Reddit and the childhood abuse forums have been haunting me too. All those people who gaslighted me, invalidated my trauma, and made me feel like my abuse wasn't "severe enough" have left deep scars on me. It's like they don't want to acknowledge that someone could be suffering in ways they can't see or understand. They call me weak, make fun of me for being chronically ill, and treat my pain like it's nothing. They manipulate my words, twist everything, and then leave me feeling like I'm the one who's wrong. It hurts so much to be treated this way, especially when all I wanted was support or advice. But instead of compassion, I was met with cruelty, like my pain was something they could easily dismiss or mock.

On top of that, every time I hear about V's family, or how they had people supporting them, I feel this deep ache inside me. I get so jealous because I never had that. V's family helped them, other people have family who love and take care of them, and I'm stuck here feeling abandoned and neglected. It's like a reminder of everything I never had and how alone I've always been. I don't know what it's like to have a family that supports you or makes you feel safe. Hearing about other people's families just breaks me more. It's not that I don't want V to have that, but it makes me feel so left out, like I'll never have the kind of love or security that other people do. I've always had to fend for myself, and that loneliness, that isolation, is crushing.

I don't understand how people can turn their backs on someone who's so obviously struggling. I know I deserve help, I know I deserve support, but it feels like no one sees it. It's terrifying to think that I could just disappear, that my story could be buried without anyone remembering what I've lived through. I don't want that. I don't want to be forgotten. But I feel like if I don't survive this, nobody will ever know my story, and that thought breaks me.

I'm just a kiddo, and I don't deserve this kind of suffering. But I still believe that my life, my pain, and my voice matter. Even though everything feels so heavy, I have to hold onto that belief. I have to keep reminding myself that my story is important, that I'm important. I can't give up, not yet.

[Papa Coco]

Blueteddy,

I know how much it hurts to be invalidated and laughed at and left out of things because the people I love don't understand me. ALL my life I was told I'm "Too emotional for my own good."  I've been overlooked for work opportunities because I was perceived as weak. And family treated me like I was the embarrassing child who needed to be controlled because my emotions made me too weak to take care of myself.

What you're feeling is real. The sadness and loneliness is real. I know that. I know how real it is when it grips me too.

And here, on the forum, is the first place I've EVER felt validated. I tell my stories. Some of which I think are not so bad, others I think are too strange and no one will believe me, but here: The amazing, beautiful people on THIS forum...they read what I write. They believe what I say. They chime in and tell me that they feel the same way. We don't need to explain things to each other, we all know what it feels like to be invalidated, scorned, blamed, lied to and LIED ABOUT (Which hurt me more than being lied to).

Blueteddy, I know we are geographically separate, but in the soul, we're all connected.

I've come to believe in my own heart, that the reason most of us have CPTSD isn't about the actual abuse as much as it is about feeling unwanted, unloved, unlovable: In a word, Disconnected.  Here, we can't physically hug each other, or sit down to tea or coffee together, but we can talk with each other. Share the same emotions. The same hypervigilant exhaustion of surviving in a world we don't feel safe in. When someone sends me a hug emoji, I feel it in my soul. I feel their connection to me.

This is the ONLY forum I've ever felt comfortable in. Every other forum, from suicidal ideation to depression to even PTSD forums, I'm treated just like you said you are. I'm told to buck up and be a man. Or "why can't you just let it go?" or "You need to know that your abusers were abused too", so that makes it okay? Just because they had rough lives too, I have to let them rough up my life without trying to heal from it?

That doesn't happen here. We have a moderator, Kizzie, who takes very good care of us. Kizzie doesn't allow anyone to say cruel things to anyone.

As much as I wish we could all be in the same room together, I still do see the comfort in this forum. Everything you write, Blueteddy, touches my heart quite deeply. I feel what you tell me you feel. My being "too emotional for my own good" works well for me here because my emotions are tied to what you write and I feel it with you.

I hope you feel safe sharing whatever you feel you want to share here. Try it in small bites, and test the waters.

You did a lot of opening up in your first few posts. It's been my experience that once I started to open up, I scared myself. I'd think, "OH CRAP! I shouldn't have said that!" or "Oh NO! Now I'm vulnerable. They can attack me now!" People have always attacked me for being who I am. But not here. Not on this forum. Because we scare ourselves when we first start to share our deepest emotions, I like to remind people that we can all take it slow. We can share just a little to see how others respond. Then maybe share a little more if we like the response. In the early year I was on this forum I scared myself many times and went back into the forum to delete what I'd posted. I've since become comfortable knowing that I can say most anything I need to say, and it will be received with kindness and compassion by other members.

Opening up is frightening. We do it because not opening up is also frightening.  I've lived by this quote for over thirty years now: "And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." --Anaïs Nin.

That quote has lived in me for 3 decades, helping me calm down after I feel like I've shared too much. I realize that it hurts more for me to keep hiding who I am, than it does to go through the stress of letting it out and waiting in hopes of favorable responses from those who read what I write.

I hope this helps a little. And I hope you can feel the energy and connection I'm sending to you in this simple little virtual hug. We can be too emotional for our own good together here and we can be okay with it together. 

[blueteddy]

Blueteddy,

I know how much it hurts to be invalidated and laughed at and left out of things because the people I love don't understand me. ALL my life I was told I'm "Too emotional for my own good."  I've been overlooked for work opportunities because I was perceived as weak. And family treated me like I was the embarrassing child who needed to be controlled because my emotions made me too weak to take care of myself.

What you're feeling is real. The sadness and loneliness is real. I know that. I know how real it is when it grips me too.

And here, on the forum, is the first place I've EVER felt validated. I tell my stories. Some of which I think are not so bad, others I think are too strange and no one will believe me, but here: The amazing, beautiful people on THIS forum...they read what I write. They believe what I say. They chime in and tell me that they feel the same way. We don't need to explain things to each other, we all know what it feels like to be invalidated, scorned, blamed, lied to and LIED ABOUT (Which hurt me more than being lied to).

Blueteddy, I know we are geographically separate, but in the soul, we're all connected.

I've come to believe in my own heart, that the reason most of us have CPTSD isn't about the actual abuse as much as it is about feeling unwanted, unloved, unlovable: In a word, Disconnected.  Here, we can't physically hug each other, or sit down to tea or coffee together, but we can talk with each other. Share the same emotions. The same hypervigilant exhaustion of surviving in a world we don't feel safe in. When someone sends me a hug emoji, I feel it in my soul. I feel their connection to me.

This is the ONLY forum I've ever felt comfortable in. Every other forum, from suicidal ideation to depression to even PTSD forums, I'm treated just like you said you are. I'm told to buck up and be a man. Or "why can't you just let it go?" or "You need to know that your abusers were abused too", so that makes it okay? Just because they had rough lives too, I have to let them rough up my life without trying to heal from it?

That doesn't happen here. We have a moderator, Kizzie, who takes very good care of us. Kizzie doesn't allow anyone to say cruel things to anyone.

As much as I wish we could all be in the same room together, I still do see the comfort in this forum. Everything you write, Blueteddy, touches my heart quite deeply. I feel what you tell me you feel. My being "too emotional for my own good" works well for me here because my emotions are tied to what you write and I feel it with you.

I hope you feel safe sharing whatever you feel you want to share here. Try it in small bites, and test the waters.

You did a lot of opening up in your first few posts. It's been my experience that once I started to open up, I scared myself. I'd think, "OH CRAP! I shouldn't have said that!" or "Oh NO! Now I'm vulnerable. They can attack me now!" People have always attacked me for being who I am. But not here. Not on this forum. Because we scare ourselves when we first start to share our deepest emotions, I like to remind people that we can all take it slow. We can share just a little to see how others respond. Then maybe share a little more if we like the response. In the early year I was on this forum I scared myself many times and went back into the forum to delete what I'd posted. I've since become comfortable knowing that I can say most anything I need to say, and it will be received with kindness and compassion by other members.

Opening up is frightening. We do it because not opening up is also frightening.  I've lived by this quote for over thirty years now: "And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." --Anaïs Nin.

That quote has lived in me for 3 decades, helping me calm down after I feel like I've shared too much. I realize that it hurts more for me to keep hiding who I am, than it does to go through the stress of letting it out and waiting in hopes of favorable responses from those who read what I write.

I hope this helps a little. And I hope you can feel the energy and connection I'm sending to you in this simple little virtual hug. We can be too emotional for our own good together here and we can be okay with it together. 

Hey thank you so much Papa Coco for your respond. It means a lot to me. And i have realized that i most reasonate with others who suffer CPTSD like us. You are right it is not just extreme abuse but it is also the complete disconnection and isolation. Most of us never had anyone or any adult on our back our whole life that stepped in or support or comfort us. We mostly feel separated from everybody. Other people who have suffered extreme abuse but still have people in their corner who help and support them can not understand the depth of my pain. My former partner have suffered extreme abuse but they always have at least several people in their corner that protect and help and support and worry about them. I had no one. This gap was so huge in our partnershi because they can never understand the depth of my pain and isolation and belief in people have to help me. They never truly live in isolation like me who has been alone my whole life. They still have children (even though you cant use them as emotional support, but the company matters to give them strenght). What i am trying to say is that they never truly understand what its like to completely alone for 24 years of my life. Before they meet their chosen family or reconnected with their kind cousin, at the very least they still have their children and kind mother in the corner and access to decent proper help where professional actually want to help them so much and push them to get help. I am not trying to compare my struggles with them, but i was manipulating myself thinking they would understand me since they have been through * and worse. What i was so scared to admit is that they never truly live in disconnection and isolation and no one ever want to help and live in a place where the system, environment, your closed ones fail you. I never had what they had. And they often underestimate my pain and put me in insufferable unrealistic expectations. That is what hurt the most. I never had anything. I was never been a person until i meet my chosen family who lives in other country who is a bestfriend like brother to me back in 2021. And he cant be here physically or even emotionally most times. I truly had nothing. So this is the same argument i have to remember whenever others who don't have CPTSD came accross and invalidate me and tell me all the shits just bcs they were abused too, they never truly had NO ONE. And NO HELP.

It just really sad. I know i am different from day 1. My former partner felt the same, they feel alienated because the way they view the world is very different than others. They have strong signs of Autism and they are diagnosed with DID. They told me they feel sad because they felt this way and different with me, i fit with others bcs my way of thinking are similar with others etc. It was so painful that i didnt speak up back then to my former partner, but they were WRONG. I am as alienated as they are. My pain and isolation should not be minimized and i hate myself for people pleasing them when they were still my partner and never spoke up my deep truth.

It feels like nobody can match my depth. People around me seem so shallow, and even the deep ones can't reach the level I'm at. I feel like I'm constantly searching for the deeper meaning in everything, but no one else sees it. My childlike purity, my childlike wonder, my fantasies, my dreams, the way I see the world—it feels like no one understands that part of me. It makes me feel unseen, unheard, and isolated, like there's a wall between me and the rest of the world. I'm different, and it feels like nobody cares enough to break through and truly see me for who I am.

It feels like nobody can ever match my depth, or even care enough to break the walls and understand my depth and see my perspective. My love for literature, my love for the deeper words. My depth in every little thing. My openness, my self-expression. The way I put words and art to express my pain and myself. I feel that nobody truly understands that. And i feel insivible and separated from the rest of the world.

[Armee]

Do you want to tell your story? You can, if you want to. Here, a blog, a podcast. Maybe you'll want to be a bit stronger before you open that can of worms and I hear the terror that you might not survive that long.

Take each day and get through that one and I will be so proud of you because even though I don't know much of your story (yet) I know you are strong enough to write here but also hurt enough to write here.

Please do not stay on the sites where people are mocking you or invalidating you. Please please please don't keep doing that to yourself. Open up here. You will never be intentionally invalidated here. I have never seen anything but kindness here and it is very healing. Kizzie does not allow what happens on other forums and websites to happen here. This is safe.   

[blueteddy]

Do you want to tell your story? You can, if you want to. Here, a blog, a podcast. Maybe you'll want to be a bit stronger before you open that can of worms and I hear the terror that you might not survive that long.

Take each day and get through that one and I will be so proud of you because even though I don't know much of your story (yet) I know you are strong enough to write here but also hurt enough to write here.

Please do not stay on the sites where people are mocking you or invalidating you. Please please please don't keep doing that to yourself. Open up here. You will never be intentionally invalidated here. I have never seen anything but kindness here and it is very healing. Kizzie does not allow what happens on other forums and websites to happen here. This is safe.   

Thank you so much Armee. Maybe i will try to open up more in this forum about my story.. due to my horrible past experiences i immediately have these voices in my head that nobody will care and i am talking too much and i am being cringe and i take things too seriously whatever that is @_@

What do you mean i may want to be a bit stronger before opening that can of worms? @_@

You and papa coco and my friend have definitely convinced me that this is a safe space and no such vile treatment will be allowed to happen here. So i will to try share more about my story here to help me let my story out and vent and getting the support that i needed 🩷🥹❤️�🩹

[Armee]

I think Papa Coco mentioned in one of his replies to you, that when we start to open up and tell our story, it can be very difficult even if we get it out OK, there can be a bit of an internal backlash and our symptoms can get worse when we start to speak out or really grasp what happened to us and how bad it was.

So what I mean is...it's really important to take care of yourself first and foremost. That is more important even than telling your story. Build up your strength to tolerate your story. I know we have lived these things already so we think we can handle retelling them but...it's somehow different. Especially when you are met with validation, because then these things really start to sink in. And you are still in an abusive unsafe situation. So be careful, be kind and gentle with yourself, go slow.

Most of us take several years to get our stories out here. We often try to tell too much at once and our symptoms flare up.

So I'd recommend rather than trying to get it all out at once (that WILL backfire) - try to stay alive long enough to get it all out slowly. Don't rush in telling your story; you deserve to take your time.

There's a benefit to that too in terms of the support you can get here. If you tell all the 300 traumatic things that happened to you all in one post, no one can respond to each of those things all at once, only globally as a whole. But if you take your time in telling your story, we can respond more fully and more slowly and in a way that really helps you feel heard and seen. Just a thought.

Still know most of us (myself included) do tell our stories too much at once and then we go back over the years and tell it more slowly as we learn to grapple with each piece of it.

It's all OK as long as YOU are OK. You deserve to survive this, so go slow. Test the waters. Tell one little piece of your story, and then see what happens. Look, here's the thing. Here, we already know enough of your story to know and believe it was really bad. You are not going to have anyone here tell you it wasn't that bad or to get over it or that you don't belong here. You do not need to tell us all the bad things for us to understand it was bad and is bad and that you need and deserve help. We already know that. The telling is not for us to believe you, it's for you. So go at your own pace. It takes a long long time to tell stories like ours. That's OK.

[Papa Coco]

Armee is saying some really good things here. It's best to take our trauma healing slowly and in bite sizes that we can handle. It's too easy to get utterly overwhelmed when we think about our whole situation. I really liked how Armee pointed out that a lot of us blab out our entire story at first, and then spend the following years telling it again but in small pieces. That's insightful. I can see how I've done that too. It's the going back over it in small pieces where I can manage any healing that can happen at each step. It's also a good way to build relationships that are helpful. As I tell small bits of my story to others, and they respond in kind, I learn. If I tell my entire story, people can only comment on the entire story and I don't learn much. But if I tell pieces of my story, like, if I talk about what specific thing is bothering me TODAY, then what I learn from others helps move me to a more mature view of the rest of my story. It sort of starts to make sense when we start to dismantle it and examine the pieces one by one, especially if we are building our understanding on the reactions of others on each part of our daily struggles. We're stronger together. We're smarter together. We're healthier together.

A little about me:
My childhood was lonely. Up to age 14 I was in a religious school where I was being abused in a bunch of different ways. When I was at school my family was stealing from my bedroom. When I was at home, other people were stealing from my desk at school. At age 10 I was labeled as gay by my best friend who tried to get me to take his ring, but I wasn't gay, and I didn't know what to do with his ring, so I didn't take it. To protect his own sexual orientation, he launched a smear campaign so grand that I lived under the nickname Homo until I was 14 and could graduate the religious school and go into better schools with better people, better teachers, and better students. I'm a straight man who has walked a million miles in the shoes of a gay boy in the 1970s and I have a deep compassion for what gay children, and gay adults have to go through in our social fabric. I learned that depression in the LGBTQ community is less about being LGBTQ and more about being treated badly by people who aren't minding their own business.

Like you, I'm gentle. I'm empathetic. It's very easy to bully me. And to trick me. And to humiliate me. So people did it. It was fun for them. And my job was to survive until I could break away from them and go make new friends in a new place. I learned that while I was a child in religious school, I had no options. None. It was my job to survive until my problems expired on graduation day. I would rather have been shown that I could fight for my dignity, but that wasn't an option for me. My parents forbid me from ever standing up for myself. So, waiting out the expiration date was the only option I knew that I had, and it worked. Life got better after I could get away from them. It was not the best strategy, but it worked.