god i am not your greatest soldier

[blueteddy]

Today has been an avalanche of thoughts and emotions that I'm not even sure how to untangle. I started thinking about Free4Talk, how I've tried so many things to connect with people, how I've pushed myself again and again to find someone, anyone, who could care for me the way I need. I've tried every platform-Reddit, Boo, Bumble, all of it-sending messages, writing letters, putting myself out there. And yet, nothing. Even when people respond, it always feels shallow, like they're only interested in my appearance or voice. The moment I ask for something back, for real effort, I become the villain, the selfish one. It's like nobody wants to give what they demand from me, and it's suffocating.

I even thought about the queer ex-Muslim from the UK. He responded briefly yesterday, but it felt so disconnected. I'm scared to lean on him because he's clearly struggling too, and I know I can't put that on him. But it's exhausting to keep reaching out only to feel like I'm hitting walls. I've tried everything, Dan. I've tried everything, and it feels like I'm just screaming into a void. And then there's V. The partnership was supposed to be caregiver-child, where I was the one taken care of, but instead, I was forced to be an adult. Forced to carry the emotional labor, to give more and more, while they were rigid, harsh, and unyielding. They hurt me in ways I can't even describe. And now, they're gone. Two months since the breakup, and V hasn't come back. It might be months, years even, because of their fusion work with their therapists and psychiatrists. How am I supposed to wait that long when I'm barely holding on?

It's not even about being with them as a partner anymore. It's about the pain they left behind, the accountability they refuse to take. I need them to see me for who I really am, to understand the harm they caused, and to make it right. But even if they do come back, I don't know if they'll ever truly understand or care enough to fix this. That uncertainty is killing me. I feel like the world is moving on without me. Everyone else has someone. Gray, lan, Brian-they care, but they're far away, busy with their own lives. I don't hate them for that; I'm mad at the situation, at the fact that I can't have more. I've been too understanding, and it's left me with nothing. I'm stuck here, in Indonesia, alone, isolated, suicidal after my break up, on my birthday and the days after. Suicidal for the longest time ever and nobody cares. Life goes on for everyone else while I'm left with this unbearable ache. And I keep spiraling. It's not fair. None of it is fair.